Random Thoughts of the Week: May 23rd-29th

Well, it’s come to an end. Thanks for reading every Thursday, and if you’re ever in need of a reminder of how ridiculous some humans are the blog will always be here. My final random thought for this blog: It’s been real. It’s been fun. It’s been real fun.

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 16th-22nd

• Sometimes I really don’t like being responsible. I want to buy a new car and I want to adopt a dog, and then I realize that those two things cost money for a long period of time that I’m not willing or able to commit to. So I have to make the smart choice and tell myself no.

• There is a food company out there that named one of its sausages Lil’ Chub…For those of you who don’t know, Chub, as defined by Urban Dictionary, “is a semi erect penis, yet still malleable.” Really? A sausage named after a slang term for a penis?

• I had to strip search a 75 year old woman, and I can tell you that it’s something I hope I never have to do again.

• That moment when the person you park next to parks like a jackass, and then makes you have to also park like a jackass just to fit. Then of course, they’ll leave before you and end up making the person after them think that you are actually the jackass who doesn’t know how to park. I always want to be able to explain the situation so that person doesn’t think it’s actually my fault. Like, “I promise, it was the asshole who I had to park next to!”

• I had an inmate tell me that she thought she had lice, and then my head proceeded to itch for the rest of the night. Needless to say, I was a little paranoid.

• I walked by one of the male inmates, who uses a wheelchair, and he asked me if I wanted a “ride.”

• I was working a male cell and there were at least 10 guys seriously invested in the new I Wanna Marry Harry show. They’re really rooting for the girl from Dallas. I never thought I’d see a group of grown ass men giving that much attention to a reality show.

• I was texting my friend about getting breakfast at one of her favorite places, Cups and Crepes, but my phone autocorrected it to Cups and Creeps. I can’t even imagine what a place like that would be. You get a cup of coffee and your very own stalker?

• For all you regular readers out there, you should start preparing yourselves, because I think I’m gonna lay this blog to rest in the very near future.

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 9th-15th

• Is anyone else worried about Guy Fieri? Any time he’s on TV he’s yelling. Dude, there’s a microphone picking up everything you’re saying…you don’t need to yell.

•  Isn’t manure a weird thing? Somebody just thought, “Let’s add some straw to that shit and call that shit manure! What do you guys think?”

• A lot of the inmates have started asking me if I workout, probably because I have the shoulders of a linebacker. I literally opened the door to one of the areas where about 40 male inmates are housed and all I heard was, “Damn, she works out,” and “Yeah man, she’s swole!”

• I found out the other day that if I go to Whataburger in my uniform I only pay half price. Good looking out, Whataburger.

• I saw a guy on a riding lawn mower sitting at a red light, and then proceed to cruise down the road when it turned green.

• If you don’t know anything about fire ants, let me tell you the story about how I found out how terrible they are. I grew up in Arkansas, where I didn’t even know what in the hell a fire ant was, but it didn’t take long for me to figure out that those little fuckers sting! We were at my uncle’s house, climbing trees for some reason, and we were using a chair to get a head start. As I’m standing on the chair, my hilarious uncle decides that it’d be a good idea to shake the chair. I fall off the chair and land directly in a fire ant pile. I can’t even explain the feeling of having 100 ants sting you all at once, or the sheer panic of trying to get them off of you. My entire body was covered in bites, which wasn’t the best welcome Texas could’ve given me, but I certainly learned quickly. The morale of the story? Watch where you’re walking in the South, and don’t let your uncle dump you into a fire ant pile…it’ll scar you for life.

• I had an inmate say to me, “You have full lips for a white girl.”

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 2nd-8th

• Please tell me you’ve seen that Target commercial where the guy just drops the card on the 5 story card tower and just destroys the fucking thing. I mean really, what kind of monster does that shit?

• How about the Swiffer commercial where the son is the messiest fucking person ever and the mom just laughs it off? “Oh hahaha, my son doesn’t know how to clean up after himself.” Lady, did you see all the food on the ground? Your son doesn’t know how to eat either. What kind of animal are you raising?

• There’s an infomercial for a blender, where the guy is doing a demonstration for a bunch of people, and some of them were taking notes. What in the fuck could they possibly be writing down? Put fruit in, turn on blender?

• I love when people tell me that my name is spelled wrong. I told someone my last name was spelled with an H and someone honestly said, “no it’s not.” Shit, I’ve been wrong for over 20 years?

• Any time I go somewhere in my uniform for work, usually a gas station, at least one person will verify where I work and then proceed to tell me about the time that they did time. Ok cool, you’re an “alleged” criminal.

• There was a QT advertising beer and wine to go…as opposed to sitting in the gas station and drinking it?

• Inmates calling my name from the bathroom never bodes well for me, because it usually turns into a will-you-take-a-look-at-this-for-me situation. Which means they usually whip out a body part.

• There are multiple construction sites with mannequin dudes made out of those orange barrels. Seriously, one of these things was hanging from a crane. Clearly those gentlemen are hard at work on the roads…taxes well spent.

• This is going to sound terrible, but working in a jail makes me feel smart. Mainly because they always ask me questions that I always know the answers to.

• Let me tell you, the ice cream truck jingle gets a little old after it plays for 5 minutes straight.

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 25th-May 1st

• Everyone I work with has been giving me shit for the way I say shampoo. Apparently, I put more emphasis on the poo than a normal person, and I spent about 5 hours trying to say it differently…it’s impossible. Now I’ll never be able to say that word without thinking about how I say it, which means I can add it to the list that also includes the word crayon.

• Things that crawl are unpredictable and it frightens me a little bit. I mean you would expect that once you start walking toward them that they would head the other direction, but sometimes those little fuckers head straight for you! I’ve literally shaken my keys at a lizard, a very large lizard, to get him off the stairs that I needed to use. You’re probably thinking that that’s a little overdramatic, which is what my brother thought when I told him that story. However, he understood my reaction when he had the same exact run in with that same exact baby Godzilla.

• Do you remember me telling you guys about the woman who refers to Jesus as daddy? Well, last week she said to someone, “We’re you talking about my daddy? Because my daddy is sexy.” When I looked at her as if she’d lost her fucking mind, she said, “What? There’s nothing wrong with getting a little intimate with Jesus.” I told her that that’s debatable and she said, “We’re all Jesus freaks, some more so than others.”

• I almost ran over another person this past week. There was a dude walking across the street at 11:30 on a Friday night, and this motherfucker wasn’t even at an intersection! He’s just walking across the road while it’s pitch black out, and can only be seen by headlights on a car as they’re slamming on their brakes. These idiots obviously struggle with all aspects of life, so if I ever see them when I’m not about to run them over I’ll be sure to make it clear.

      

 

• I’m not sure why people think I look like a person who wants to see pictures of their children, but they always show them to me and I never have an appropriate reaction. They’re just so excited to show me the pictures, and I always just kind of nod my head.

 

• I saw a cat just chillin’ in a parked minivan and my first thought, I shit you not, was, “Do those people know that a stray cat got into their car?” Who is taking their cat for a car ride?

• I had an inmate ask me if I was married and my only response was, “Why do you want to know?” It’s as if they thought that whatever the answer was going to be was going to determine whether or not they’ve got a shot with me.

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 18th-24th

• I got my oil changed last week, and the entire 30 minutes I spent in the waiting room was accompanied by a “beep-beep” noise that happened every 10 seconds.

• In that same waiting room, a woman was talking to another woman about her new born baby and said, “I just want to take her right now.” Sure, she’s probably joking, but isn’t that a weird thing to say? I’m sure it’s meant to be flattering in a oh-you’re-baby-is-so-cute kind of way, but I’m thinking she should just say, “oh you’re baby is so cute,” and leave it at that.

• Once the possible kidnapper left, the mother spent the rest of her time loudly talking to her baby; I think it was an effort to get me into a conversation about how cute her baby is…it didn’t work.

• The dude changing my oil of course had other things he thought needed to be done, but his sales pitch was terrible. He literally said, “well you could probably do this, this, and this as well.”Sir, I could “probably do” a lot of things, so thank you for the incredibly unhelpful suggestion. Unfortunately, just like I’m not going to become an astronaut or the first female president, I also won’t have you go ahead and fix the things you think I could “probably do.”

• One of the other mechanics found out where I work and proceeded to tell me a story, a story I never indicated to him that I wanted to hear. The story was about how a judge made him go to 3 months of anger management, because he was defending his daughter by slamming her abusive ex-boyfriend’s head into a car bumper. I hate to break it you, but you’re getting worked up while you’re telling me a story about something that happened 10 years ago…I think you probably have at least a little bit of an anger management issue that 3 months of classes clearly didn’t fix.

• I didn’t realize so much stupid shit could happen to me in a span of 30 minutes. I honestly walked out of that business in shock, and with a strong desire to start changing my own oil.

• You are all in luck this week, because I’m gonna tell you a story from my childhood: I can’t even remember what my brother and I were trying to fix, but we were on our front porch with some super glue. Now, we were old enough (I was probably 13 or 14 and my brother was probably 15 or 16) to be using super glue, but clearly I should have been the one in charge of the actual gluing. My brother starts gluing, what was probably a fucking light saber or something, and ends up getting some on his hands. Getting super glue on your skin is super unfortunate, no one wants it, but this genius decides he’s going to somehow shake it off of his hands. Surprisingly, it comes off of his hands, but goes straight onto my fucking face and into my eyes! My eyes were literally super glued closed! It quickly went from, “ha ha you got super glue on your hands” to, “Oh God, what have you done?!”

• I literally almost ran a woman over this week. You’re probably thinking that I’m a bad driver, when really this woman is just a complete moron. She literally walked across a busy intersection when we had a green light. I was going 45 mph and she just walked out in front of me with about 15 feet between her and my car. She wasn’t even phased by the fact that multiple cars had to slam on their brakes to avoid killing her. Hell, one car didn’t even slow down, and she just kept on strutting her stupid ass across the street.

• There was a sign on the highway that said, “guardrail damage ahead.” I’m not really sure what the point of that sign is. I guess it’s just a warning, like, “hey, if you’re gonna crash, don’t do it up here, because some asshole already did and there’s nothing preventing you from going into the oncoming traffic on the other side…”

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 11th-17th

• I sometimes wonder how long I’m going to keep doing this blog…I’m probably gonna be 60 and still bitching about how confused I am by stupid people.

• The electronic billboard for my bank says, “ask us about our gift cards!” Why in the fuck would I buy a gift card from a bank? What the hell do you even spend money on at a bank, checks? What a great gift…”here’s a gift card to your bank, now go buy some checks and make one out to me.”

• I saw a pack of playing cards that were the size of note cards, literally 3×5. Why would anyone need cards that big? I don’t care how terrible your vision is, that is excessive. I would never make it through any kind of game; I was laughing hysterically just looking at them.

• Peanut M&Ms have a warning on the bag that says, “may contain almonds.” So what happens if you have an allergy to almonds, but really want some Peanut M&Ms? Do you just have to risk it and hope it’s worth it?

• Someone created an old school handset that plugs into an iPhone. I don’t know why? Their big selling point is, “convert your ordinary smartphone into an old school telephone!” Yeah, put your iphone in your pocket and walk around talking into a handset instead…who doesn’t enjoy looking like an idiot? You might as well get a brick phone from the 80s.

•  Rain was hitting my window, but it sounded like someone was digging through a plastic bag. So I was lying in bed, I don’t know, assuming it could be a thief who decided to use Walmart bags to carry whatever it was he was stealing….that was my only explanation for the noise, there was no other possibility.

• There was a commercial for catheters that advertised them as being “able to fit in a woman’s purse or a man’s pocket.” Why is that even a thing that you’re mentioning as a way to sell them? Are they doing that shit in a public restroom?

• Every single day at work, at least once a day (more like 10 times a day), I’ll hear, “You smell really good! What are you wearing?” They will literally walk up to me and sniff me. I guess that’s what being locked in a room 24/7, with 30+ other people, for weeks on end will do to you.

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 4th-10th

• I heard a grown ass woman refer to God as “Daddy.” She literally said, “It’ll be fine, I’ve got Daddy on my side.” It was weird.

• I have to deal with a couple of prostitutes at work, and they literally smell like fish. You know, people always joke about vagina smelling like fish, but these ladies’ vagina’s actually do smell like straight up fish.

•  Anyone who drives 10 under on the highway should not be driving on the highway. Honestly, the access roads usually have a speed limit of 50 so stay on those.

• You want to know what creates trust issues? People putting on their blinker as they approach where you’re going to pull out of, and then not turning. Bitch, I could’ve pulled out in front of you, assuming you were turning (because your freaking blinker is indicating that that’s what you’re doing), and then you’d hit me.

• You can always count on mothers to like every single thing you post on social media. Without fail, no matter what you post, your mother will like or comment on it. I could post a picture of a blank white wall and my mom’s probably gonna try and be supportive by saying, “You’re so artistic.” It’d be a nice try.

• Who was the person who decided to do the whole loop thing with laces? Why not just tie them in regular knots and be done with it?

• I was driving behind a person who had a stuffed animal hung from their bumper.

•  I heard a woman say, “I’m not a racist, but I could kill a Mexican.” Uhh no, I’m pretty sure you’re a racist.

Random Thoughts of the Week: March 28th-April 3rd

• I can’t believe people willingly drive behind semis that are loaded down with lots of heavy shit that could fall off and kill them.  Hasn’t anyone seen Final Destination?

• Two dudes pulled up to a drive-thru window and decided to spend way too long digging under their seats for change. They literally paid with a single dollar bill and two handfuls of coins.

• Do you think it’s weird that we can whistle different tones? Like, we’re literally just blowing air through our mouths, but with the slightest change we can make the air sound completely different? No, you’ve never thought about it? So…just me then?

•  There’s no way that advertising a business by putting a dancing person on the side of the road with a sign brings in enough business for them to even cover the cost of paying those fools.

• A dude drove down the highway for more than 20 minutes with his caution lights on. What is the point? Either get off at one of the 50 exits you passed, or turn off your caution lights! Your car is clearly not breaking down any time soon, ya dickhead! Other people’s lack of basic driving skills is going to drive me insane (no pun intended).

• I was driving home from work and saw an elderly couple going into Whataburger at 11:30 at night. There must have been a rave going on at the senior center; that, or bingo got a little out of hand.

• My sister forgot to leave her money for the rent/bills on the kitchen table, and told me that she wouldn’t have time to come by the house at any time this week. Her reasoning was that even though she’s works 10 minutes away from our house, it would take 45 minutes with the traffic. So, she decided that the solution would be for me to meet her near her work, which meant I had the joy of sitting in all the traffic.

• “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof…” Those are lyrics from Happy by Pharrell, and I don’t know what that means. I’m gonna need a very detailed description for why I have no roof, and what exactly the weather conditions are. Though I’m sure, no matter what the explanation is, “happy” would not be the emotion I feel when I “feel like a room without a roof.”

 

Random Thoughts of the Week: March 21st-27th

• I had two charlie horses, not even a minute apart, in the same calf! I seriously considered just chopping it off.

• Let me tell you something, it doesn’t matter how many times I watch the movie Step Mom, I bawl my eyes out every.single.time.

• When I see two cars parked next to each other, in an empty parking lot, late at night, with one or both cars running, I definitely assume something suspicious is happening.

 

• On that note, I saw three minivans parked next to each other, in an empty parking lot, all running, and the only logical explanation for that one would be a traveling soccer mom convention. Not so suspicious.

• Some guy, that I had two classes with in college two years ago, randomly texted me, “God’s not dead!”

• I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, “don’t worry, your daughter’s in good hands.” So he already seems like a douche bag, but he also had a thing around his license plate that said, “I love hooters!” Ladies, this one seems like a real catch!

 

• I saw an ambulance responding to an emergency at a sex shop. Seems like someone got a little too excited.

• I can’t even explain to you how frustrating my job can be. It’s babysitting, but instead of children, they’re “alleged” criminals who could potentially harm me at any moment.

 

• I saw a sticker on a bridge that said, “foreskin is not a birth defect!”

• Apparently, a friend of the pilot of the missing plane is telling people that the pilot was “having a rough time,” and implied that he was taking “one last joyride.” Uhh you would think he wouldn’t take 200 other people with him, because he was depressed about his love life. He even said that the pilot was plotting it out on his flight simulator. As if the guy needed a flight plan for where to crash; I’m pretty sure he could crash into a massive ocean without having an x on a map.