Anytime I see a work van driving under the speed limit I assume that something illegal/creepy is going on.
I wouldn’t say I’m more of a hugger these days, but I’ve become more accustomed to them. I haven’t really had a choice, because I’ve started hanging out with my friend’s other group of friends and they’re all big on hugging. So I’ve accepted that it’s gonna happen, there’s no way around it.
An older woman told me I had a beautiful smile, and that I probably get that all the time.
I saw a child, probably 15, wearing a “party with sluts” hat.
Some of our exit doors at work have signs that say, “emergency exit only, door is alarmed” and this old couple started going towards them to leave. I told them that they’ll need to use the other doors, but apparently they didn’t hear me because the woman read the sign out loud and they still decided to go out of them.
At an intersection, my light turns green and I obviously start to go. However, the asshole on the street going horizontal of mine, who has been sitting at his red light, decides he feels like turning on his red light….almost hitting me. Sir, what the fuck are you doing?
The only time I like running into people I went to high school with is when we can gossip about the stupid shit other people we went to high school with are doing with their lives.
My coworker, the hangnail/use-a-key-to-clean-his-ear/told-my-manager-he-had-diarrhea-guy, asked if someone could cover for him because he’d “been holding it for a while.”
My weekend as a bunny starts tomorrow, so if any of you need to be entertained stop by my work and you’ll have a good laugh.
I don’t like when someone asks me directly if I’d like to donate money to a cause, especially when they mention curing pediatric cancer. I mean, what the fuck am I gonna say to that?
My coworker, the one who used the key to clean his ear and asked me to help him with his hangnail, told my manager that he needed to go home because he had diarrhea. He couldn’t just say he was sick, he had to give specifics?
To the woman who thought it’d be a good idea to let her tiny child hold three drinks: did you really think that was going to end well? I mean, I knew once you handed them to him that he was going to drop at least one…and what does he do? He dropped all three! Congratulations on that brilliant plan.
Dallas on St. Patrick’s Day was a complete shit show. There was so much trash that we might as well have been in a landfill, and don’t even get me started on the people there…should’ve just added them to the curb for the street sweeper to pick up with how trashed they were.
Has anyone seen the old host of Fear Factor? There was a UFC match on at the bar, and he was calling it, and my god has he been hitting the roids or what? If he wasn’t trying to use steroids to compensate for a tiny penis before, then he’ll certainly have to now.
Man, you need to do it the old fashioned way…
At work we now play a song by a band called The Milk Carton Boys. What I’m assuming is the explanation behind that ridiculous name: they were all kidnapped, their pictures put on milk cartons, and met while they were in a support group then decided to form a band.
There was a brand new BMW with a Domino’s delivery sign on top of it. At first, I was thoroughly confused, because those two things definitely don’t go together.
Then I thought the only explanation would be that the guy is a drug dealer, in which case that would be brilliant. Have the buyer order a pizza while you’re working and make the drug trade at the same time you’re delivering their pizza. Kill two birds with one stone; they’ll have the munchies (if it’s weed they’re buying) and they’ll already have a pizza ready to eat, and the dealer will be making money off of the drug deal and doing his actual job.
On St. Patrick’s Day, a friend of my friend’s asked me if I wanted a shot and I said I didn’t drink; he then asked me if I wanted to watch them take a shot. OH MY GOD, HOW DID YOU KNOW!?
My mom and stepdad celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary recently, and I just want to say that anyone who has ever made a comment about divorce ruining kids’ lives can fuck off. I’m not saying it’s great for every family, but I can’t stand people who automatically assume that people whose parents are still married are better off than others whose aren’t. A lot of fucked up people come from parents who are still married…just saying. Am I a little sensitive about this topic?
I helped an old woman at work, and we were talking about how I was bored/doing the crosswords when she said, “if you think this is bad think about getting old and living in a nursing home, it’s terrible.” Old people make me sad.
I like how all the older people I’m friends with on Facebook (my mom’s friends, family friends, relatives) are always so encouraging. Any time I post something sarcastic/negative, or anything really, they’re always there to provide something uplifting and yet completely unnecessary/embarrassing.
I was wearing a jacket as I was leaving work and my supervisor walks over to me and says, “I know someone with that jacket…who gave you that jacket?” Uhh I bought it from a store. You know stores, the places where they sell many of the same item to different people.
I was watching The First 48, and a guy was killed on his birthday and they called the case Last Wish. There was another episode where a 14 year old got killed when she was celebrating her birthday and they called that case Birthday Girl. That’s pretty fucked up.
Why are Mazda Miatas considered a man’s car? I see mostly men driving those cars, and if I see one I always assume a man is driving it. It doesn’t make sense to me.
Any time I see a curly headed ginger I always say the “hey there’s the girl from Brave” joke in my head. Seriously, every time.
A couple walked up to box office and asked my coworker if they were at The Rave. Guys, there are big ass letters on the outside of the building, and directly behind where my coworker was standing, that read AMC and every single thing you look at has AMC on it. It was literally staring them in the face.
A coworker, whom I cannot stand, would not stop talking to me throughout the entire 4 hours we worked together. She wasn’t picking up on my dear-god-stop-talking vibes and I didnt want to flat out say, “would you please shut the fuck up!” Apparently she told one of our other coworkers that I’m one of the few people who’s nice to her. She has a weird idea of what nice is, because I don’t even acknowledge the fact that she’s speaking and I certainly don’t engage in conversation with her. Why, you ask?
A family asked for five tickets to the 3D Oz, and I only had three glasses next to me so I gave them the three I had. Before I could grab the other two one of the girls said, “uhh we need more.” No fucking shit? This might surprise you, but I can count; why don’t you give me a fucking second. She said it twice before I finally said, “I know.” Then, as I’m grabbing the glasses, with their tickets and change in my hand, the mom asks her mom, “do you need change, mom?” Fucking hell people! I know what I’m doing. Jesus!
I don’t really see any cars these days with the “my kid’s on the honor roll” bumper stickers. Is it because kids aren’t on the honor roll anymore? Do parents just not want to put shit on their car? Based off of the children I come in contact with, I’m going to say it’s the former. These are the things I think about while driving.
Worse than being woken up by the beeping noise that I talked about last week, is being woken up by a detective banging on my door because he’s under the impression that a guy who supposedly committed a hit-and-run lives at my address. My first thought:
A couple of guys came by my house to try and sell me a vacuum that cost over $3,000. Nice try, assholes; A “vacuum with a fan made from nasa technology” isn’t really on my list of things I need to buy.
A girl I’ve worked with for over 2 years was wearing her watch on her right wrist and I asked her if she was left handed, because I could have sworn she was right handed. Her response? “Why, am I acting left handed?”
•Let’s talk about the new M&M commercial, the one where he’s singing “I would do anything for love.” She’s biting him and he says, “it hurts, but I kind of like it.” So he’s an M&M who’s into S&M? Let’s not forget that the whole commercial is about him (the fact that I’m even calling a fucking m&m a him is ridiculous) being in love with her.
More weird commercials: the Swiffer commercials where they’ve got household products falling in love with each other.
A woman I helped at work had a Hispanic accent when she was talking on her cell phone, but when she started talking to me she started using a super southern accent. I’m not sure if she thinks that that’s something she needs to do, if she’s crazy, or maybe she enjoys making fun of people with accents like that. Either way,
I hate when I let someone out in front of me and then they turn out to be terrible fucking drivers.
I was wearing an Arkansas Razorbacks sweatshirt when I went to see a movie, and a girl I work with asked me if that’s where I want to go. I know I look young, but…
I was dead asleep when a fast, high pitched beeping started going off in my house; let me tell you, being startled awake is quite possibly one of the worst things ever.
The Last Exorcism Part 2 came out recently, I guess they couldn’t exorcise the bitch the first time. Someone told me they set it up for another one. Are they just going to keep going until they finally release The Last Part of the Last Exorcism? These movies can’t be making any money; when was the last popular exorcism movie, the 70’s?
Any time someone tells me they like my favorite movie I thank them as if I was some how involved in making it.
A kid I work with makes racist comments, but says he’s not racist and that he just says it to make people laugh.
I was telling a coworker about a band I like and wanted him to listen to, and a guy standing near us asked, “are they any good?”
I thought people calling me sweetheart, darling, hon, and dear was bad; some guy called me babe the other day. It was really fucking weird, he said it like he was talking to his girlfriend/wife…”Thanks, babe.” Yeah, don’t.
I’m watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory while writing this and the further I get into it the more creeped out I get. The Slugworth character, who we find out works for Will Wonka, is creepy as fuck; that scene on the boat when they go into the tunnel, and all go on an acid trip, was completely unnecessary. Don’t even get me started on the fucking kids in that movie; I would have punched all of them in the face. Violet chewing that gum drives me insane. Clearly, I’m a fan of the movie