I was checking out at Walmart and the chicken salad I wanted to buy was apparently being recalled. The lady told me I couldn’t buy it in a tone that implied “please don’t yell at me.” I’m not sure why she thought I’d yell at her when she’s saving me from possible E. Coli. She went on to say, “ya know, we don’t want you to die.” Uhh yeah, neither do I.
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was on TV and for some reason my only thought was, “what if everyone in the audience totally just fucked someone over when they used their ‘ask the audience’ lifeline by selecting the wrong answer on purpose?”
I was buying spray paint, which now requires showing your ID to prove you’re over 18. Knowing that, I put my ID on the counter and the cashier says, “oh…I guess I’m supposed to check that you’re over 18.” How is it that I’m doing your job better than you are?
I’ve never really understood why businesses use those big ass spotlights. Are they trying to attract people? If so, do they really think people look up, see the lights in the sky, and think, “I’m totally gonna just drive around until I find that place!?” I’ve got a tip for you, business owners, that’s not how that works; it’s not a fucking rainbow with a pot of gold at the end!
I watched four old people, I’m talking at least 70 years old, walk into Bad Grandpa. I couldn’t help but wonder if they knew that it was a Jackass movie, and not a real movie about some guy that isn’t very good at being a grandpa. They were probably upset when they realized what was happneing.
I work with 3 Mexicans and I speak more Spanish than all of them, which isn’t hard to do considering they don’t speak any spanish at all.
I was trying to be friendly to a child by telling him I liked his elephant backpack. His mother then informed me it was one of those child leash things. Add this moment to the list of reasons why I don’t try and interact with children.
I saw a speed limit sign in a neighborhood with “go slow we love our children” underneath the numbers.
Do you ever wonder about how we started using “mother fucker” as an insult? Like, someone a long time ago probably called someone that because they really were fucking their mother.
My boss got married recently, and apparently, at their wedding, they walked down the aisle to the Imperial March from Star Wars. They topped it off by wearing Darth Vader helmets. Could you imagine being at that wedding, trying not to laugh?
Apparently, at Jason’s Deli, grilled cheese is only for children under the age of 12. Who the fuck stops eating grilled cheese when they turn 13? I made myself a grilled cheese last week and I’m 23. Fuck off, Jason’s Deli!
Some dude, who looked to be at least 40, sent me a message over Facebook saying that “I looked nice” and to “message him some time.”
I went out with a group of friends this past weekend, and one of the guys who went with us went to playfully push his girlfriend’s face away but ended up smashing her in the face really hard. I could seriously hear the sound when it happened, even over all the noise in the bar. Ironically, the bar we were at was playing a UFC fight on all the TVs. I wasn’t sure how to react to it and I’m hoping my face didn’t reflect what I was thinking, which was:
I had a heart to heart with a friend…in a bar. I can honestly say that I never thought I’d be one of those people who would cry in a bar. Unfortunately, that can now be checked off of my list. “A list of what,” you might ask. To which the answer is, a list of things I never wanted to “accomplish.” To clarify, I think it’s important to note that at least I wasn’t the drunk girl crying in the bathroom.
I saw something on Pinterest and sent it to my friend, because I thought she would like the idea for her wedding. I had to take a moment and ask myself, “who am I turning into?”
My friend jokingly refers to himself as “daddy” or “big pappi.” It only really gets awkward when he offers to help me with something by saying, “let daddy help.”
My manager had never heard the word “wonky” before. I mean, legitimately argued that it wasn’t a word and made us look up the definition to prove it.
I was getting my food from the lady at the window, and I was expecting the usual have-a-good-day-you-too interaction when I went to leave. Instead, she said, “thanks for coming.” Unfortunately, I still said, “you too.”
Have you ever noticed how the Walmart self checkout immediately starts yelling at you to take your shit.
There were people setting up tents across the street from where I work and I shit you not, almost every single person I had to deal with asked me what they were setting up for. How the hell should I know? Do I look like I’m the one setting up the fucking tents? Why don’t you ask one of the guys who are setting it up?
The new kid I have to work with talks so loudly that I can’t hear myself think. The dude is talking into a microphone, so I’m not sure why he feels the need to shout.
One of my supervisors said that eating raisins is like eating old people.
Two guys came into my work on Monday and we were talking about how high schools were out for Columbus Day. During the conversation, my coworker complained about how colleges weren’t out. They said that people should just drop out of college like they did. To convince me of that they said, “it’s working out pretty well…I mean we’re on this side of the counter.”
Speaking of Columbus Day, has it always been in October? I seriously had no idea. Am I the only one?
My grandma goes to a line dancing class every Thursday, and she had me go with her while I was visiting her in Arizona. The lady started the class by saying, “ok I’m teaching a new dance to I Don’t Need It by Jaime Foxx, you know, that black guy.”
Audio books are terrible. Like, why do the people reading them do the different voices? I don’t use different voices when I’m reading to myself. Honestly, they just sound so ridiculous and it’s super distracting. I didn’t even hear a word they said becuase I was so focused on trying not to laugh at the voice they were doing.
Why is there a “cool” option on blow dryers?
I was doing a crossword on my flight home and one of the clues was, “Juan’s cheers.” Do you want to take a guess at what the answer was? It was “oles.” Racist much mister crossword-maker?
I got a notification on Facebook from someone asking me to like a page. Unfortunately, it read, “so-and-so asks you to like Teens Living With Cancer.”
There’s a country song where the guy sings about shining his headlights into her bedroom window. Ladies, that is not romantic behavior; that’s some creepy, stalker, I’m-going-to-murder-you-later behavior! Run, as fast and as far as you can.
When I was in high school, we had a substitute that called herself “the slave driver.” Only now do I realize how, kind of, fucked up that is.
I saw a convertible PT Cruiser and I had to wonder why it was even a thing. Like, it’s still a PT Cruiser, it being a convertible does not make it any cooler to drive.
Have you ever watched a dog dig around in blankets trying to get comfortable and thought, “wow I totally know the struggle…and am I seriously relating to a dog right now?”
A woman wanted fresh popcorn, the stuff that had just started popping. So, I handed it to her and she said,”I smell something burning; I hope this isn’t burnt.” Could you be any more of a bitch?
My friend just got engaged and she was talking about doing their bachelor/bachelorette parties in New Orleans. She asked me if I’d drink for the bachelorette party and I had to remind her that someone would need to be sober to get their drunk asses around the city safely.
We hired a new kid at work and as he was selling people tickets he would ask them if they come here often. He then stuck is hand under the little window and said, “I’m so-and-so and I’m new here.” For some reason he’s just really excited and everyone else can’t stand him for it.
A woman bought tickets for the Metallica concert/movie in IMAX and then asked if we had earplugs. Riiight good luck with that.
A husband and wife got up to board their flight and after about 10 steps the woman says, “honey will you grab my water? I left it back there.” You seriously can’t grab it yourself? She didn’t even continue walking when he went back to get it, she just waited there for him.