I find myself feeling grateful that I’ve never come across one of those women who correct people on their title i.e Mrs./Miss. I mean really…
At work, when I tell someone to do something they act as if I kicked their dog. I’m not raising my voice, cussing at them, or getting in their face about something…and still they look like they’re about to cry.
I’m so glad I didn’t have to go trough the awkward braces/retainer phase.
I’m completely incapable of talking to kids. I can’t make my voice go into that tone that is needed for kids not to be terrified of me. I talk to them as if they’re just miniature 20-something year olds. I always leave the “interactions” thinking:
That guy tight roping across the Grand Canyon was praising Jesus a whole lot, which is the complete opposite of what I’d be doing. I’d be flipping out.
Realizing you missed a spot shaving your leg, after the fact, is so annoying. You’re just sitting there rubbing your leg thinking, “oh how smooth” and then bam! the illusion is shattered.
Is anyone else amazed at the idea of language? The alphabet was formed and people just started coming up with words? Like right now I’m writing and you’re reading a bunch of different combinations of the same 25 letters but the words all mean something different…I just don’t get it. People were just sitting around thinking, “ya know what, we need a word for that. How about such-and-such?” But they were already thinking/speaking in words that came from somewhere else! I can’t even explain how crazy I think that is.
I had CNN on in the background, because MSNBC was on a commercial break, and I don’t willingly watch CNN for this specific reason: they tell me, “oh we’ve got breaking news. The Patriot’s tight end, Aaron Hernandez, is being arrested. Let’s go to Susan Candiotti for more information.” Now a little preface, Susan is the same woman I complained about when the Boston bombings happened. Susan is telling me, “the police arrived at his house, entered and took him away in handcuffs. We don’t know why he’s being arrested, if he’s being charged, but he was taken away with his hands handcuffed behind his back.” That’s literally all the news she had. I mean, not only is she a terrible reporter, but CNN should know better than to think, “oh let’s talk to our reporter who has literally no news to share whatsoever!” You already told us he was arrested, I don’t need someone to explain to me the process of arresting someone; I know they get handcuffed and taken to the police station, in a police car! CNN doesn’t report the news, they state the obvious.
As promised, the tale of the Health Inspection meeting. First, the woman walks up and she’s rocking an eye patch. Now, of course that’s sad, but unfortunately my reaction was to say to all my coworkers, “now kids, if you don’t follow health code that’s what’s gonna happen to you.” Then, she starts talking to us and, my god, does that woman have an annoying voice. She couldn’t get her remote to work so she kept flipping through too many slides, and then would go back too many; it was just a constant back and forth for the entire hour and a half we were with her. At one point, she made a connection between gloves and condoms…It was a complete cluster fuck, to say the least.
Apparently one of my former coworkers has a dream of becoming a playboy bunny.
There’s a Chicago Blackhawks player with the last name Oduya, pronounced oh-do-ya. I mean, come on; he had to have gotten a lot of shit for that.
At work, I had a guy ask if someone could help him at guest services and I told him they’d be there in a minute. After, not even, 15 seconds he turns to me and says, “is there anyone coming?!” right as my manager was walking towards him.
My knuckles were scabbed and my mom asked, “we’re you playing a game, that bloody knuckles game?” What am I, 12? Come on Mom.
I asked a kid how he was and he said, “tired, and I don’t feel well on my birthday.”
A dad called my work and asked if we had found his daughter’s tooth.
The ladies competing for Miss USA were apparently all in their early 20’s, but I’ve carded a 30 year old who looked younger than them.
I made a girl I work with cry. Maybe she’s learned not to tell me how to do my job…considering she’s, like, 12 and worked there for 4 months, while I’m 22 and worked there for 4 years. Yeah, no thanks.
There’s seriously a dating website for people looking for farmers, ranchers, cowboy/girl, and animal lovers, it’s aptly named Farmers Only.
Is anyone else sick of the fucking Waxvac infomercial? How are these people using the q-tips? Are they hulk smashing them into their eardrum? I guess it wouldn’t be an infomercial if it wasn’t extremely dramatic.
I was checking IDs and a girl who had to come with her mom was leaving to get food so she asked if we’d remember her. We said we would and she said, “of course you will. How could you forget a face like this?” *giggle* *giggle*So when she comes back she asks, “do you remember me?” I told her I did because *cue an impersonation of her airhead personality*; as she was walking by she told her friends, “at least I’m rememberable.” 1) Rememberable? Really? 2) That’s not a good thing to be remembered for.
Add to the list-of-skills-I-don’t-have: snake charming. The snake in my house was 6 inches long and the best I could do was throw a Tupperware container over it. Then!, when I tried to get him out of the house (by putting a piece of paper under the Tupperware to carry it all out) he kept getting his head out and then I’d just freak out and squash his neck for a while until I was ballsy enough to lift the container up a little and put it all the way over him again. Seriously, that routine happened at least 5 times. I got him out eventually though.
A lady was upset that she was being carded and used the excuse, “this is a free country, I don’t need to carry an ID!”
I was looking for jobs and there was a posting for, I shit you not, a person to teach “writting.” You would think “oh just a simple typo”, but they had it written 3 times…all spelled writting. Would I be teaching the person who posted the job how to write or were they posting it on behalf of someone else?
I wonder if Will Smith has ever listened to or walked in on his other children listening to Just the Two of Us, realized that everyone knows he has a favorite kid, and thought to himself:
I had a quarter-life crisis yesterday and when I told my friend that, she laughed. Maybe she thought I was trying to be funny, or maybe she just thought the term quarter-life crisis was amusing…but I was seriously having a mental breakdown. For hours, this was literally what I looked like:
Using eye drops is seriously an art form, one that I have yet to master. The odds of me actually get it in my eye is probably 1 time out of 5.
Stay tuned next week for the tale of the Health Inspector’s meeting we had to attend for work.
I went to see a movie and the guy behind me had his shoes off, and his feet on the top of the seat next to me.
Even after all these years of brushing my own teeth I still haven’t mastered the art of not getting toothpaste all up in the cap. If you’re the kind of person who has, then you’re a sorcerer.
I had two women get in a cat fight at work this past weekend. One woman was upset because the woman in front of her didn’t know what she wanted and was holding up the line, and of course the woman waiting just had to say something. It went back and forth for about 5 minutes. Lady, why are you upset? Sure, it’s frustrating but you don’t need to be a bitch about it. She had at least two kids with her, so I’m sure she was already frustrated herself, she doesn’t need your fucking input about it. Trust me, we’re all thinking it, but nothing needs to be said.
There’s always a big ass lizard chilling on my back porch when I get home. As long as him and his friends stay out of my house we’ll be friends forever.
Let’s talk about how clothing companies make pants with pockets that are sewed shut. I bought a pair of work pants like that recently and couldn’t fathom the point of it. Why do I have to cut stitching out so I can use a pocket that’s there, but was sewed shut? Because that makes a shit ton of sense!
My first experience at a “country bar” was a shit show if I’ve ever seen one, and trust me I have. I put country bar in quotes because they played at least 1 hip hop for every 2 country songs they played. I witnessed a couple switch off giving each other lap dances, and old people trying to do the wobble.
Don’t say, “you’re welcome” to me with the implication that I was supposed to be thankful for you doing something that you chose to do on your own. I didn’t ask you to do it and I didn’t tell you to do it, you chose to do it so get out of my face about it.
The fact that the last 20 seconds of a sports game can be dragged out into 20 minutes, is frustrating as hell. Can we just end it, please?
I cannot take tennis seriously with all of the grunting. I mean…I think it’s safe to say we all know what sex with any tennis player would sound like. For sure, Maria Sharipova’s neighbors probably hope she doesn’t ever have sex.