I got my oil changed last week, and the entire 30 minutes I spent in the waiting room was accompanied by a “beep-beep” noise that happened every 10 seconds.
In that same waiting room, a woman was talking to another woman about her new born baby and said, “I just want to take her right now.” Sure, she’s probably joking, but isn’t that a weird thing to say? I’m sure it’s meant to be flattering in a oh-you’re-baby-is-so-cute kind of way, but I’m thinking she should just say, “oh you’re baby is so cute,” and leave it at that.
Once the possible kidnapper left, the mother spent the rest of her time loudly talking to her baby; I think it was an effort to get me into a conversation about how cute her baby is…it didn’t work.
The dude changing my oil of course had other things he thought needed to be done, but his sales pitch was terrible. He literally said, “well you could probably do this, this, and this as well.”Sir, I could “probably do” a lot of things, so thank you for the incredibly unhelpful suggestion. Unfortunately, just like I’m not going to become an astronaut or the first female president, I also won’t have you go ahead and fix the things you think I could “probably do.”
One of the other mechanics found out where I work and proceeded to tell me a story, a story I never indicated to him that I wanted to hear. The story was about how a judge made him go to 3 months of anger management, because he was defending his daughter by slamming her abusive ex-boyfriend’s head into a car bumper. I hate to break it you, but you’re getting worked up while you’re telling me a story about something that happened 10 years ago…I think you probably have at least a little bit of an anger management issue that 3 months of classes clearly didn’t fix.
I didn’t realize so much stupid shit could happen to me in a span of 30 minutes. I honestly walked out of that business in shock, and with a strong desire to start changing my own oil.
You are all in luck this week, because I’m gonna tell you a story from my childhood: I can’t even remember what my brother and I were trying to fix, but we were on our front porch with some super glue. Now, we were old enough (I was probably 13 or 14 and my brother was probably 15 or 16) to be using super glue, but clearly I should have been the one in charge of the actual gluing. My brother starts gluing, what was probably a fucking light saber or something, and ends up getting some on his hands. Getting super glue on your skin is super unfortunate, no one wants it, but this genius decides he’s going to somehow shake it off of his hands. Surprisingly, it comes off of his hands, but goes straight onto my fucking face and into my eyes! My eyes were literally super glued closed! It quickly went from, “ha ha you got super glue on your hands” to, “Oh God, what have you done?!”
I literally almost ran a woman over this week. You’re probably thinking that I’m a bad driver, when really this woman is just a complete moron. She literally walked across a busy intersection when we had a green light. I was going 45 mph and she just walked out in front of me with about 15 feet between her and my car. She wasn’t even phased by the fact that multiple cars had to slam on their brakes to avoid killing her. Hell, one car didn’t even slow down, and she just kept on strutting her stupid ass across the street.
There was a sign on the highway that said, “guardrail damage ahead.” I’m not really sure what the point of that sign is. I guess it’s just a warning, like, “hey, if you’re gonna crash, don’t do it up here, because some asshole already did and there’s nothing preventing you from going into the oncoming traffic on the other side…”
I sometimes wonder how long I’m going to keep doing this blog…I’m probably gonna be 60 and still bitching about how confused I am by stupid people.
The electronic billboard for my bank says, “ask us about our gift cards!” Why in the fuck would I buy a gift card from a bank? What the hell do you even spend money on at a bank, checks? What a great gift…”here’s a gift card to your bank, now go buy some checks and make one out to me.”
I saw a pack of playing cards that were the size of note cards, literally 3×5. Why would anyone need cards that big? I don’t care how terrible your vision is, that is excessive. I would never make it through any kind of game; I was laughing hysterically just looking at them.
Peanut M&Ms have a warning on the bag that says, “may contain almonds.” So what happens if you have an allergy to almonds, but really want some Peanut M&Ms? Do you just have to risk it and hope it’s worth it?
Someone created an old school handset that plugs into an iPhone. I don’t know why? Their big selling point is, “convert your ordinary smartphone into an old school telephone!” Yeah, put your iphone in your pocket and walk around talking into a handset instead…who doesn’t enjoy looking like an idiot? You might as well get a brick phone from the 80s.
Rain was hitting my window, but it sounded like someone was digging through a plastic bag. So I was lying in bed, I don’t know, assuming it could be a thief who decided to use Walmart bags to carry whatever it was he was stealing….that was my only explanation for the noise, there was no other possibility.
There was a commercial for catheters that advertised them as being “able to fit in a woman’s purse or a man’s pocket.” Why is that even a thing that you’re mentioning as a way to sell them? Are they doing that shit in a public restroom?
Every single day at work, at least once a day (more like 10 times a day), I’ll hear, “You smell really good! What are you wearing?” They will literally walk up to me and sniff me. I guess that’s what being locked in a room 24/7, with 30+ other people, for weeks on end will do to you.
I heard a grown ass woman refer to God as “Daddy.” She literally said, “It’ll be fine, I’ve got Daddy on my side.” It was weird.
I have to deal with a couple of prostitutes at work, and they literally smell like fish. You know, people always joke about vagina smelling like fish, but these ladies’ vagina’s actually do smell like straight up fish.
Anyone who drives 10 under on the highway should not be driving on the highway. Honestly, the access roads usually have a speed limit of 50 so stay on those.
You want to know what creates trust issues? People putting on their blinker as they approach where you’re going to pull out of, and then not turning. Bitch, I could’ve pulled out in front of you, assuming you were turning (because your freaking blinker is indicating that that’s what you’re doing), and then you’d hit me.
You can always count on mothers to like every single thing you post on social media. Without fail, no matter what you post, your mother will like or comment on it. I could post a picture of a blank white wall and my mom’s probably gonna try and be supportive by saying, “You’re so artistic.” It’d be a nice try.
Who was the person who decided to do the whole loop thing with laces? Why not just tie them in regular knots and be done with it?
I was driving behind a person who had a stuffed animal hung from their bumper.
I heard a woman say, “I’m not a racist, but I could kill a Mexican.” Uhh no, I’m pretty sure you’re a racist.
I can’t believe people willingly drive behind semis that are loaded down with lots of heavy shit that could fall off and kill them. Hasn’t anyone seen Final Destination?
Two dudes pulled up to a drive-thru window and decided to spend way too long digging under their seats for change. They literally paid with a single dollar bill and two handfuls of coins.
Do you think it’s weird that we can whistle different tones? Like, we’re literally just blowing air through our mouths, but with the slightest change we can make the air sound completely different? No, you’ve never thought about it? So…just me then?
There’s no way that advertising a business by putting a dancing person on the side of the road with a sign brings in enough business for them to even cover the cost of paying those fools.
A dude drove down the highway for more than 20 minutes with his caution lights on. What is the point? Either get off at one of the 50 exits you passed, or turn off your caution lights! Your car is clearly not breaking down any time soon, ya dickhead! Other people’s lack of basic driving skills is going to drive me insane (no pun intended).
I was driving home from work and saw an elderly couple going into Whataburger at 11:30 at night. There must have been a rave going on at the senior center; that, or bingo got a little out of hand.
My sister forgot to leave her money for the rent/bills on the kitchen table, and told me that she wouldn’t have time to come by the house at any time this week. Her reasoning was that even though she’s works 10 minutes away from our house, it would take 45 minutes with the traffic. So, she decided that the solution would be for me to meet her near her work, which meant I had the joy of sitting in all the traffic.
“Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof…” Those are lyrics from Happy by Pharrell, and I don’t know what that means. I’m gonna need a very detailed description for why I have no roof, and what exactly the weather conditions are. Though I’m sure, no matter what the explanation is, “happy” would not be the emotion I feel when I “feel like a room without a roof.”