Random Thoughts of the Week: October 25th-31st

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  • I was checking out at Walmart and the chicken salad I wanted to buy was apparently being recalled. The lady told me I couldn’t buy it in a tone that implied “please don’t yell at me.” I’m not sure why she thought I’d yell at her when she’s saving me from possible E. Coli. She went on to say, “ya know, we don’t want you to die.” Uhh yeah, neither do I.

You did not just ask that!

  • Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was on TV and for some reason my only thought was, “what if everyone in the audience totally just fucked someone over when they used their ‘ask the audience’ lifeline by selecting the wrong answer on purpose?”

I'm An Asshole

  • I was buying spray paint, which now requires showing your ID to prove you’re over 18. Knowing that, I put my ID on the counter and the cashier says, “oh…I guess I’m supposed to check that you’re over 18.” How is it that I’m doing your job better than you are?

Really? Come on.

  • I’ve never really understood why businesses use those big ass spotlights. Are they trying to attract people? If so, do they really think people look up, see the lights in the sky, and think, “I’m totally gonna just drive around until I find that place!?” I’ve got a tip for you, business owners, that’s not how that works; it’s not a fucking rainbow with a pot of gold at the end!

Nope!

  • I watched four old people, I’m talking at least 70 years old, walk into Bad Grandpa. I couldn’t help but wonder if they knew that it was a Jackass movie, and not a real movie about some guy that isn’t very good at being a grandpa. They were probably upset when they realized what was happneing.

Liiiiiies

  • I work with 3 Mexicans and I speak more Spanish than all of them, which isn’t hard to do considering they don’t speak any spanish at all.

Shocking...

  • I was trying to be friendly to a child by telling him I liked his elephant backpack. His mother then informed me it was one of those child leash things. Add this moment to the list of reasons why I don’t try and interact with children.

Not Great..

  • I saw a speed limit sign in a neighborhood with “go slow we love our children” underneath the numbers.

Eye Roll, Head Back

  • Do you ever wonder about how we started using “mother fucker” as an insult? Like, someone a long time ago probably called someone that because they really were fucking their mother.

Evil smile

  • My boss got married recently, and apparently, at their wedding, they walked down the aisle to the Imperial March from Star Wars. They topped it off by wearing Darth Vader helmets. Could you imagine being at that wedding, trying not to laugh?

Amused Looking Around

  • Apparently, at Jason’s Deli, grilled cheese is only for children under the age of 12. Who the fuck stops eating grilled cheese when they turn 13? I made myself a grilled cheese last week and I’m 23. Fuck off, Jason’s Deli!

You're Not Just Wrong You're Stupid

  • Some dude, who looked to be at least 40, sent me a message over Facebook saying that “I looked nice” and to “message him some time.”

No, hard pass

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