Every time I walk towards an automatic door I have a very real fear that they’re not going to open and I’m just going to walk into them. Why do they only open when I’m an inch away from them?
Did you guys know that people still pop their collars?
It was raining for the Thursday premiere of Catching Fire, and I was holding the door open because we had all the other doors locked (so people wouldn’t get out of hand). So, I’m holding the door open and this girl walks up, trying to close her umbrella, and I tell her not to poke me in the eye…while she didn’t poke me in the eye, she did end up dumping all the water that was on top of her umbrella onto my face.
Some random dude rubbed my shoulder and told me I needed a beer.
The heater kicked on at work and sent a shit load of smoke into the lobby.
A woman getting tickets from me forgot what movie and said, “uhh best man holiday?…it’s a black movie.”
A guy I work with jokingly told another guy I work with that he was a pussy. In response, he said, “well I am what I eat.”
Did you guys know that the brothers who did the Boston Bombing are up for Time’s person of the year?
Some guys in Italy found my blog and we’re talking about it in a forum, which google chrome graciously translated for me, and one guy said, “I found this blog, it doesn’t make any sense, but it has the funny moving pictures.” So there’s that.
I’m not really sure why anyone wants to end up in this blog, but people get genuinely excited when they do. However, it’s always an awkward moment when someone is excited/worked up because they think something I’ve written in this blog is about them, when really it’s not. Exhibit A: I wrote about how a girl I work with was going to prom with someone even though she didn’t want to, because she’s too nice to say no. A couple days after I posted it, a different girl I work with came up to me and said, “how did you know I’m going with so and so and that I don’t really want to go with him!?” Uhh I didn’t, that wasn’t about you, and the world doesn’t revolve around your precious little life.
I hate opening cans of biscuits! I know what’s gonna happen, but it still scares the shit out of me when the can pops…it even makes me nervous watching other people open them.
There’s a jar of unopened apple jelly in my fridge and I don’t have a clue who’s it is, because I’ve sure as shit never eaten apple jelly nor do I plan to.
AT&T sent me two texts at like 7:30 in the morning saying,”oh thanks for upgrading your phone…would you recommend us? Text 10 (definitely)- 1(definitely not).” I’m gonna go with a “definitely not,” because I didn’t upgrade my phone and you’re texting me at 7:30 in the morning!
My brother and I went into Pizza Hut to place an order, and my brother starts with, “we want to place a carry out order..” I cut him off saying, “no, we’re gonna do a delivery order.” I thought I had made the sarcasm obvious enough, but the girl putting in the order clearly didn’t pick up on it. She started to change the order to delivery and I had to reaffirm that I was joking. After she figured it out, she just started laughing and saying I was funny repeatedly.
While we were waiting for our pizza, there was a car parked next to us with a kid in the driver’s seat, a grandma passed out in the passenger seat, and the car was on. That’s got trouble written all over it.
I feel like a good indicator that you’re growing up is whether or not you carry a pen with you at all times.
My sister had a kid a couple of weeks ago and they already made her a Facebook. What is the world coming to?
Nothing says friendship quite like spending 5 hours bailing someone out of jail.
My brother and I pulled into a police department parking lot and there was a sketchy dude standing by his car waiting. We asked him if he worked there and he said no, but he was hesitant about it. He clarified that he was meeting a guy to sell something off of craigslist, and then asked if we needed something.
I was in the lobby of the Denton Police Department and on the bench next to me was a girl, no more than 18 years old, who was so fucking nonchalant about the fact that she just got out of jail. She was on the phone with someone saying, “yeah I’m at the PD, but I guess I gotta call my daddy because I don’t know who’s coming to get me.” She then calls her dad, just completely fucking relaxed, and says, “will you tell grandma I’m out.” Does this happen so often that her family has a system of who’s gonna go get her? Then, on our way out the girl says, to my brother and I, “oh you have to bail your friend out tonight? Why because they’re too scared?”
In honor of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire coming out tonight, and it being an awesome fucking movie:
Whenever I put moisturizer on my face I always start by smearing it across my forehead, like Rafiki does to Simba.
Am I the only one who waits until other cars start to move once a stop light turns green? It’s like I’m paranoid that the light isn’t actually green because no one else seems to be moving yet…so sometimes I wait. Just me? Alright.
I find myself wondering more and more about why car alarms are even a thing. Like, I don’t think they actually dissuade someone from stealing a car anymore, because no one actually gives a fuck when one is going off. If anything, we’re all thinking, “great, there’s another jackass who can’t remember where they parked so they’re gonna use the panic button.”
We have 4 cases in our lobby at work that hold big posters promoting upcoming movies, two on each side. My supervisor decided it was wise to put the two posters that had all black actors on them, on the same side….
I asked a friend if he could share my blog post on Facebook so I could get some more weekly visitors; he asked me if he could post it to Twitter instead, because there would probably be friends/parents on his Facebook that would be offended by the content. So basically, my personality is offensive. Wow, it’s like a knife to the heart.
I learned, this past weekend, that I have an unusually strong gag reflex to the overwhelming smell that mass quantities of ketchup creates. Small portions of ketchup are fine, but I had to clean up pints of ketchup at work and I about lost my shit. Seriously, this was me for 5 minutes straight:
A girl I used to work with was telling a girl she works with now that she and I used to work together. The girl looks at me and asks, “you used to work at planet tan?” After I stopped laughing at the thought of that, I said with as much sarcasm as I could muster, “yeah I definitely used to work at planet tan.” She looked confused for a few seconds and then asked, “wait, so you didn’t used to work at planet tan?”
It’s like my neighbors are competing for the award of Who Can Drive Amanda Insane The Fastest. I’ve got my neighbors on my right with children who scream constantly while slamming balls into the side of my house, and I’ve got my neighbors on my left who have a dog that barks nonstop. Lucky for them, they both win!
I was having a shitty day at work, so when I turned around to find 4 people I work with just standing around talking I decided I’d had enough; I looked at them and said, “do not fuck with me tonight, work” and walked off. Needless to say, they started working immediately. It’s a wonder why people tell me they are scared of/intimidated by me.
I was having dinner with my brother and a friend, when the topic of coffee came up. Of course my brother tried to make a joke saying, “I like my coffee like I like my women…” I jumped in with, “with a little cream?” Easily the most disgusting thing I’ve ever said.
I would be the worst person to go on family feud! All that clapping and encouraging them by saying, “good answer” repeatedly when really it’s the worst answer you’ve ever heard…yeah I couldn’t pull that off. They’d probably end up cutting to me being all pissed off and judgmental because my family is sucking it up.
A large amount of birds, all grouped together, hanging out in the same place freaks me out for some reason. It’s like they’re plotting something!
I pass a car wash off of highway 35 that has had a “now open to the public” sign up for the last 5 years, at least. I mean all they have to do is take off the now. “Now” implies that it’s a new development, when clearly it’s not at all.
Have you ever seen someone walk into a room and immediately known that they’re gonna be a fucking douche bag that’s going to piss you off all night?
That douche bag previously mentioned, which I had to deal with at a Halloween party, sarcastically said to me, “nice costume.” Ironically, this idiot wasn’t dressed up either.
I told that same guy, yes still the same douche bag from two bullet points above, that I was gonna just carry around a bag of lemons and be “life” for Halloween. He said, “you’d just carry around like a Walmart bag of lemons?” Apparently this idiot has never bought any kind of fruit in his life if he doesn’t know that there are bags specifically designed for fruit, or that they can come prepackaged in a bag.
A girl I used to work with got completely shit faced at said Halloween party. They decided to do shots, even though they were already way too far gone. While they were getting situated for the shots, this girl read out loud, “oh Captain Morgan 100 proof.” So, she takes about a shot and a half of this 100 proof rum, proceeds to get upset, asking my friend why she would let her take that shot. Then my friend, who is also completely hammered, is trying to force her to drink water by putting the cup to her lips. The girl’s response was, “I’m a grown woman, I can handle drinking my water on my own!” Two minutes later she spills the water all over the floor.
I changed the favorite movie, that’s listed on my name tag for work, from Blood Diamond to The Breakfast Club so that people would stop asking me if my name was Blood Diamond. Unfortunately, now people, seriously multiple people, ask me if I’m a part of the breakfast club. Listen, I went to saturday school once and I certainly don’t weirdly celebrate breakfast with a group of other people…so no, I’m not a part of “The Breakfast Club.”
Did you guys know that “sherbert” isn’t actually a thing? It’s meant to be spelled sherbet, like sorbet. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Like, do I say it the right way and have everyone look at me like I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, or do I just keep on saying it the wrong way?!
I asked a girl I work with what time it was, because she was wearing a watch, and she pulls out her phone to tell me….if she was gonna use her phone I would have just checked my phone. When I asked her why she didn’t use her watch, she said, “it takes me a long time to read my watch.”
A middle-aged man that I was helping at work said to me, “you’re a sweet lady; I should write a letter about you or better yet, a song.” My first inclination was to tell him to read my blog and think again, or that there have been two different songs titled Amanda that have already been written.
I like when commercials claim they aren’t using paid actors, but I recognize one of them from something else. I just sit there thinking, “bitch, I know I’ve seen one of those ladies in an episode of ER or some shit!”