Recently, more and more people have been trying to give me hugs…
My new manager at work is the boyfriend of my old manager, the one who tried to get me fired. Yay!
My boss has this annoying habit of whistling at me like I’m a dog.
He also tends to tell people what to do as they’re in the middle of doing it. As I’m sweeping, “hey, sweep that up.” Thank you, I wouldn’t have known what to do.
I had someone complain about a cricket being in one of the auditoriums…yeah, let me go find a black cricket in a dark theatre. I love looking for a needle in a haystack too.
I’ve never understood people who take themselves seriously all the time. Don’t get me wrong, I have my serious moments, but I also constantly take things said in absolute normalcy and make them completely inappropriate….because that shit’s funny. If you can’t have a little fun, well.
Why do they even make candy flavors like grape, lime, and lemon? (I’ll have you know that I like grapes and lemonade, but I don’t like them in candy) There are probably 10% of people who willingly eat those…and guess what, I’m not part of that 10%, so just knock it off.
Anytime someone says, “oh you’re gonna love them” I never do. Not once has that ever been true; in fact, I’ll probably really dislike them. Don’t ever tell someone this, because they’ll have expectations and those expectations will never be met.
You shouldn’t make a joke if you don’t know for sure that you’re funny, at least not to a large group of people.
People who do a lot of PDA are disgusting. I was at a party where a girl was basically giving her boyfriend a lap dance. Really? He should have given her a few dollar bills so it could at least be legit. Get a fucking room!
I was driving home at about 1:00am and there was a construction sign that said “various lanes closed.” What the fuck does that mean? Do I just pick a lane and hope that I pick the right one?
If you’ve talked to someone less than 5 times, I don’t suggest you make a sarcastic comment about what they’re wearing…especially if it’s not funny.
If you pull up the camera on your iPhone and it’s flipped so that you see your own face, that should be your sign that you take too many pictures of yourself.
My professor wouldn’t let us turn in our tests until at least 45 minutes after we started. I take tests in 15-20 minutes, or 25-30 if I haven’t studied. He asked us, “do you really think you can take a test in 15 minutes?”
I was told, just the other day, by my black friend that I was one of the only two white people on her wedding list and that she thought I’d fit right in.
Maybe it’s just me, but I get really disappointed when an orange isn’t juicy.
Talking about someone bragging about themselves: my mothers says, “oh please, don’t choke on your own penis in your mouth.” Ladies and gentleman, my mother.
I don’t like when someone asks what I mean when I’ve made it clear what I mean. What do you mean what do I mean?
The two girls in front of me in class constantly talk. It doesn’t matter how quiet you’re trying to be, we can all still hear you!
We watched a movie in class and it showed a picture of some doctor that worked at, I kid you not, the Hospital for Sick Children…as opposed to the Hospital for Healthy Children?
Why is it that people in psych classes feel like they can talk forever when they’re called on. We get it, you think you’re so smart…but you’re not.
Let’s talk about how annoying it is when you get stuck behind cyclists when they’re going up a hill, going super slow because, well shit, it’s a steep ass hill. I can’t pass them because I don’t prefer going head on into another car.
My black lab was sitting in the pitch black hallway outside my bedroom door when I walked out; to say I was alarmed would be an understatement.
We watched a video about pregnancy in class and the narrator said, “at week 10 your baby is the size of a kumquat.” what the hell is a kumquat and why is that the example she used?
Why is Sarah McLachlan the go to artist for super sad videos? I wonder how she feels about that. Way to go Sarah, you’ve provided music for all commercials and videos that make people want to cry.
Our professor asked us what we learned about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome…one guy answered with, “it’s random and unpredictable.” no wonder they put “sudden” in the title.
Have you ever been complimented by someone you didn’t want to be complimented by? Does that make it an insult?
I had a 10 year old ask me, “what’s Gucci?” as he put his hand up for a high five; I was confused and he clarified with, “like, what’s up?”
I really love when someone gives me permission for something I’m already going to do, and don’t need permission for in the first place.
Kids who are spoiled and don’t appreciate it are annoying. I feel like I’m spoiled, and compared to most children these days I’m probably not, but I appreciate everything my parents do for me and I don’t go around asking for tons of shit.
Watching old people try and work smart phones is incredibly entertaining.
There’s always that one cricket that constantly chirps. Is that what they do? Chirp? The cricket I’m currently talking about chills right outside my window that is next to my bed, which means it sounds like it might as well be on my fucking pillow!
I hate when someone puts lol into a sentence. I know you’re not laughing and I certainly know I’m not laughing, so knock it off.
Hypocrites are amusing to me. They complain about someone who does the exact same thing as they do.
My professor for my summer class is Chinese and has an accent; when he says access it sounds like asses. I can only hope he doesn’t use that word a lot, or I don’t think I’m going to make it.
I feel like, on the syllabus for classes, they should put “don’t be a moron or an asshole” right under all of the university policies.
There will always be one person who, when asked for an idea, says something completely stupid.