I went out to eat with my sister, and I swear every person in the place had at least 2 kids with them.
I worked on updating my stepdad’s iphone for over 9 hours. Thanks for a fantastic day, Apple.
My sister was looking at the lizards that were on the living room window when she turns to me and says, “make sure to lock the back door.” As if the lizards were somehow going to open the door.
I had a grown ass person cough all over me.
A woman was struggling to open the door at work and when she walked in she asked, “did I come in the wrong door?” I told her she came in the exit door and she said, “that’s why I couldn’t get the door open.” Oh you mean you were having trouble opening a DOOR WITH NO HANDLE?!
On our TVs at work we have a clip of a lady getting slammed in the face with a watermelon; it plays every 5 minutes.
Wear deodorant, everyone. There’s no excuse for smelling like a Subway sandwich shop, unless you just got done working out; if that’s the case, go shower before you sit down somewhere and force everyone to bear the smell of you.
A lady opened two separate items in front of me and just handed me her trash.
I was in a theatre cleaning and the next thing I know, there’s a high pitched sound coming from the other end of the building. At first, I thought someone was peeling out in the parking lot, but it was really just a girl I work with screaming bloody murder because there was a cricket.
My sister bought 50 Shades of Grey.
I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about this before, but I’ll say it again if you didn’t pay attention the first time. Do not stand in the middle of the sidewalk to have a conversation, you’re an asshole if you do. Can you not take one fucking step over and stand in the grass? Is that too much effort for you, jackass?
You’re also an asshole if you throw your gum anywhere other than a trash can…or maybe off in a ditch while you’re driving; if I step in it or have to touch it because you couldn’t wait 5 seconds until you passed a trash can then you’re an inconsiderate little prick. I set my backpack under my seat and when I picked it up to go, there was gum all over it, which in turn got all over my shirt. So to whoever put there gum on the ground in a freaking classroom or didn’t bother to pick it up after it fell out of their fucking mouth, thanks for being a Grade A Dick!
My mom asked me if I had to work as I walked by, dressed in my work clothes.
My history professor says booty at least 5 times in every single lecture.
It’s always a fun time when you’re trying to get somewhere and there’s a fucking parade going on, blocking the street that you need to use!
I work with a kid who spells Saturday with an e, saterday. I don’t understand; there’s a song that spells it out repeatedly for you!
That same kid did that whole “I’m going to jokingly act like I’m going to punch you in the face.” He’s also the same kid who hugged me…how has he not picked up the back-the-fuck-off-vibes I’m sending him?
A kid in my class feels the need to make a “witty” comment after everything our professor says. This isn’t a comedy show, I’m not amused, shut the fuck up.
A coworker told me his cousin was going to come up and see a movie and described her by saying, “she’s super catholic and has black hair.”
I went in to Ben and Jerry’s with my mom and her friend, and the friend asked for “Schweaty Balls.”
There has to be a scientific explanation for that distinct smell that all old people have.
UNT’s campus smells terrible this year; it smells like someone shit in all the flowerbeds. Come on UNT, get your shit figured out…literally.
I hate, hate, when the parking lots are full and some bitch walks out and gets in her car and just sits there. Sure, it’s not like I need to park to get to my class or anything; you sit there and keep texting your friend about what outfit to wear tonight, that’s fine.
Stupid question of the week is: “Did you cut off all your hair?” Is her hair shorter than it was the last time you saw her? Yes? Well look at that…you could’ve answered your own question!
On that note, when a teacher tells you that there’s no such thing as a stupid question they’re lying! Now put you’re hand down.
Why are funeral homes called funeral homes? That makes them seem inviting.
The girl sitting next to me in class whipped out some sort of curry smelling shit. Why on earth would you ever think that that is ok?
Do bears growl? Snarl? Roar? One of life’s greatest mysteries.
I got elbowed, punched, and then elbowed again in the boob all within 30 seconds…
“I haven’t said hi to you yet,” said the girl that I avoid at all costs.
Watching people who really want to say something in class, but the teacher keeps avoiding calling on them is extremely amusing/embarrassing. Stop bopping up and down in your seat and waving your hand around like a crazy person.
Rolling backpacks. Seriously, who thought that was a good idea?
The fact that treasure is called booty is ridiculous to me.