Random Thoughts of the Week: January 24th-30th

•Apparently, in Ohio some guy got interrogated by Homeland Security because he was wearing his Google Glass while he was watching a movie at a theater. This lead some guy to call my work and say that he was going to be wearing his Google Glass when he came to see his movie, and that if we gave him any trouble about it he would use his power as “Boy Scout leader” to have millions of people boycott our company. That guy is obviously a terrific influence for kids; “oh there are rules you don’t think you should have to follow, kids? Become unreasonable and threaten the people who are just trying to do their jobs and enforce their company’s policies.”

•My mom thinks that I’m depressed because I don’t go out. Maybe I should go out, do some blow and really liven things up a bit…I think she thinks I’m just sitting at home, in the dark, crying.

•A woman asked me why whatever-the-hell-she-was-buying was so expensive. Fantastic question, maybe instead of asking me you should ask the CEO of the company….bitch.

•Justin Bieber’s fans literally thought that DUI stood for drinking under the influence. I mean, really? Drinking under the influence?

•Why do people add a bunch of stupid shit to their shitty cars? Dude, you’re driving a fucking Neon…no one thinks you’re cooler because you have a louder muffler.

•I hate when I’m at work and people are on their phones while I’m trying to help them. It’s just disrespectful, both to me and the other people behind you who have to wait for you to get off the phone.

•A woman said to her friend, while I was standing in front of them, “girl, I’m going for all the calories…it’s not like anyone’s gonna be grabbing my ass any time soon.”

•A guy I work with apparently had nothing better to do, so he was just staring at me. So I told him to stop staring and go do something productive; the guy I was helping said, “well in his defense, I’d stand there and stare too.” The woman with him told me to ignore him, to which he responded with, “what? It’s bro code.”

•There’s an infomercial that starts with “everyone loves bird watching…” Do they?

•I saw a car broken down in front of a car dealership. I think the universe is trying to tell them something.

•I was walking next to my friend and she randomly, and very seriously, said, “you always smell like Disney World.” What does that mean? Do I smell like children? Is that a compliment?

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 17th-23rd

•The mayor of the city that I work in came into my work and threw a massive hissy fit, because the advertisements that he apparently pays us to run weren’t running that day. We explained to him that we had a power outage that morning so things weren’t running like they usually do. He didn’t seem to care and, I guess, thinks everyone is a certified electrician and can magically make everything work as if everything is run like one of those fucking clapper lights.

•Regular people should not be allowed to drive the same models of cars that the police use. Don’t even act like you don’t agree with me. I know that when we all pass a black charger we have that oh-shit-moment of “I’m totally gonna get pulled over! I don’t know what I was doing, but I’m sure I was doing something illegal.”

•I had some guy say to me, “thanks, lady…” Lady? Lady?

•I went to buy some cookies from the Girl Scouts outside of my work, and the mom said to the girls, “what do we say to the lady?” (again with the “lady” shit) One of the girls said, “would you like to buy some cookies?” The mom then said, “well she’s standing here, so that’s kind of obvious.”

•Two people I work with were telling me that I should braid my hair because it’s getting long enough. As if I look like I’m the kind of person who knows how to braid hair?

•At work there’s a song called I Didn’t Know What Time It Was from an album called Woman Child that plays every five minutes. I think it’s safe to say that the woman singing is clearly confused about a few aspects of life…like what a watch is and the concept of age.

•I hate when football players celebrate after small things. Like, that’s your job, you’re being paid millions of dollars to do that. Why do you think people should applaud you? Could you imagine if normal people celebrated after everything they did at their jobs? Waiters bring you your drinks, *celebration*:

•Apparently there was a dead body found a couple of blocks away from my house. If I don’t post a blog next week it’s probably because the murderer on the loose got me.

•I hope that none of you have to experience the moment of complete awkwardness that comes with someone trying to jokingly hold onto their money when they go to pay you. It’s terrible.

•Someone I work with was telling me about the job they were interviewing for, but didn’t want anyone else we work with to know about it so she said, “come back here so we can talk about that j-o-b.” She literally spelled it out. I mean sure, I complain about the fact that I work with a bunch of children…but they’re still children who are old enough to spell. It was a good try though.

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 10th-16th

• A woman came up to me at work, looking all kinds of botoxed up, and then asked for a senior discount. Lady, it’s gotta be one way or the other; you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You want to look young but you’re gonna go around telling people you’re over 60 so you can get something for a cheaper price? What the hell is the point of all the plastic surgery?

• I can’t stand when people act like they’re dying when really they have the common cold.

•  When I saw the Geico pig-in-a-blanket-commercial for the first time I turned to my stepdad and said, “that doesn’t even make sense! Why would he only be wrapped in a blanket, like why wouldn’t he be wearing a shirt or something.” My stepdad replied with, “why is there a talking pig at a football game?”

•  My car has a stupid ass setting where it lowers the volume of the radio whenever I decelerate and raises it when I accelerate. The problem lies in the fact that I have the radio set to the perfect volume to blend in my terrible singing voice with the song, to where it actually sounds like I can sing. I have to stop singing at stop lights so as not to embarrass myself.

•  There is a recipe for Beer Cheese Soup on the back of a bag of shredded cheese, which I thought was supposed to be Beef Cheese Soup. Alas, it was an actual recipe for a soup that consists of beer and cheese, which neither sounds appetizing or edible.

•  I had two people in one day come up to me at work and ask, “you guys don’t have coke, do you?” If you’d take a second and look around you, there is a coca-cola logo on almost every single thing in our building. What do you think the answer to that question is?

•  A guy came into my work Friday morning and asked, in genuine frustration, “don’t people work anymore?” Uhh sir, you’re not at work either.

•  I have a terrible fake laugh, it’s really something I should work on. Unfortunately for all the terrible joke tellers out there, who are hoping to get a laugh out of me, I just don’t care enough to work on it. Also, if you’re wondering, for future reference when you say something you hope I’ll laugh at, this is what my fake laugh is like:

• My uncle’s girlfriend said that she thought she once bought cow’s tongue. The most stunning part is the fact that she actually cooked and ate it, but still wasn’t sure if she actually bought tongue or just that it tasted the way she thought cow tongue would taste like.

•  I am probably the worst at responding to life changing news. Example A: My friend texted me that she’s engaged and my response was, “well now you can stop bitching about it.” Example B: Another friend texted me that she’s engaged and my response was, “woot woot! Get it!”

•  Probably the most awkward social interaction is when someone asks, “oh! do you remember so-and-so?” right in front of the person you’re supposed to remember. Even worse, when the person you’re supposed to remember asks you themselves, “do you remember me?” I usually go with a straightforward, “nope, sorry.” Followed by:

•  My brother called our cousin, someone we’ve known our whole lives, “Paige” multiple times, in front of her and the rest of our family…her name’s Amber!

•  I had to use a public restroom on our way back from Kansas, which is something I hate doing. What’s worse, is that some random lady started talking to me while I was peeing.

•  A couple of girls were banging on an emergency exit door at work and yelling, “help me!” at the top of their lungs. The reactions went as followed: one guy chased after them, one guy called the cops saying he heard gun shots, one person dumped their drink on the person in front of them in their process of freaking out, and everyone else ran out of the theatre. Turns out, they were 12 years old and doing it for a Vine.

•  My brother and I were waiting in line when our aunt came up behind us, and my brother asked her, “how’d you get up here so fast, did you run?” My aunt responded with, “yeah, I just couldn’t wait.” Which would have been an okay thing to say if we hadn’t been walking into a funeral service at the time.

• My grandma, who reads this blog, told me that I needed to tone it down with the F-word…I don’t think I’m doing too well with that.

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 3rd-9th

• I’ll have you assholes know that I accidentally deleted the note for this blog, the one with all the stupid shit that happens to me during the week, and it took me over 30 minutes to recover it. I was freaking the fuck out, because there was no way that I could remember all the shit that I had written down.

• I hate when someone uses the phrase “that’s highway robbery” when they’re buying something they don’t actually need to buy.

• I went to an engagement party for two of my friends, and five minutes after meeting the best man we somehow became best friends. Within a span of a couple of hours, the guy hugged me multiple times, told me he loved me at least 10 times, kissed my face twice, and to top it all off he peed on the tire of my car for a solid five minutes (because he, and I quote, “has a small urethra”).. If that doesn’t solidify a friendship then I don’t know what does.

•  That same guy is apparently the smoothest mother fucker you’ll ever meet, because homeboy had 5 different women hanging on his every word. Hell, he had three girls, who were all friends, just standing in a circle giggling at him…all while he was doing the fucking hook-and-reel dance move! He could have been dancing like this and they probably would have fell in love with him.

• I hate Chapstick, but I’ve learned that as I get older some things are just necessary.

•  My brother and I went to watch The Wolf of Wall Street, and the older couple sitting in front of us left less than 45 minutes into it. More specifically, they left in the middle of the scene where they’re insulting dwarves. I’m surprised they didn’t want to leave five minutes in, when Leo DiCaprio had a scene where he was doing cocaine out of a stripper’s asshole.

•  I think I’ve finally found one of the most flattering compliments a person can be given! A friend of a friend told me that she wanted to put me in her pocket and take me everywhere with her so I could comment on everything.

•  I passed a billboard that was advertising a storage company with the words “store your cold stuff” and a picture of a baby on it. What I’m getting from that is, “need to hide a body? Choose us!”

•  I went to Walmart a couple of days before New Years and they were completely out of produce bags…ya know, the little bags you…put your..produce in. I guess we know which New Years resolution most people are trying to achieve this year.

•  My brother and I were talking about our impending trip to Kansas this weekend and he turned to our friend and said, “you want to come!” He was so enthusiastic that he made it sound like it was going to be a fun trip, when really we’re going for a funeral.

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 13,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 5 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Random Thoughts of the Week: December 27th-January 2nd

• I was at a Walmart in Missouri and they had a display specifically for Jagermeister and Redbull. Really Missouri? You guys are ridiculous.

• My parents actually had this conversation: Stepdad: He looked wiped out! Mom: Well he takes the Xanax, ya know! Stepdad: That doesn’t have anything to do with combing his hair!

• I’m honestly stunned that there are people in this world who don’t like game night.

• Cox runs an ad that says, “choose cox for the speed you need!” The jokes write themselves.

• My brother ends every phone call we have by saying, “JFred out!”

• While driving through a parking lot, I saw two kids get out of the back seats of a parked car and get into the front seats while adjusting their clothes.

• A restaurant had a sign saying they would be closed on New Years for their employees. I know what’s really going on there.What they’re really saying is that they doubt their staff would show up, and even if they did they’d be hungover and completely useless.

• Does anyone else find it weird that Cindy Crawford’s career is now creating her own furniture line and doing Rooms-to-Go ads? You know what I’m sayin’? No, just me? Alright.

• I was driving back from visiting my parents when I saw a loaf of bread on the highway, which I thought was pretty weird. The mystery was solved about a mile later when I passed a lady with an entire truck bed full of loaves of bread. What she could possibly be doing with at least a hundred loaves of bread is beyond me.