Random Thoughts of the Week: January 3rd-9th

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  • I’ll have you assholes know that I accidentally deleted the note for this blog, the one with all the stupid shit that happens to me during the week, and it took me over 30 minutes to recover it. I was freaking the fuck out, because there was no way that I could remember all the shit that I had written down.

Jack Shock

  • I hate when someone uses the phrase “that’s highway robbery” when they’re buying something they don’t actually need to buy.

Go fuck yourself.

  • I went to an engagement party for two of my friends, and five minutes after meeting the best man we somehow became best friends. Within a span of a couple of hours, the guy hugged me multiple times, told me he loved me at least 10 times, kissed my face twice, and to top it all off he peed on the tire of my car for a solid five minutes (because he, and I quote, “has a small urethra”).. If that doesn’t solidify a friendship then I don’t know what does.

Giggle Shrug

  •  That same guy is apparently the smoothest mother fucker you’ll ever meet, because homeboy had 5 different women hanging on his every word. Hell, he had three girls, who were all friends, just standing in a circle giggling at him…all while he was doing the fucking hook-and-reel dance move! He could have been dancing like this and they probably would have fell in love with him.

Dancing model

  • I hate Chapstick, but I’ve learned that as I get older some things are just necessary.

I'm an Adult

  •  My brother and I went to watch The Wolf of Wall Street, and the older couple sitting in front of us left less than 45 minutes into it. More specifically, they left in the middle of the scene where they’re insulting dwarves. I’m surprised they didn’t want to leave five minutes in, when Leo DiCaprio had a scene where he was doing cocaine out of a stripper’s asshole.

Chloe-what the fuck?

  •  I think I’ve finally found one of the most flattering compliments a person can be given! A friend of a friend told me that she wanted to put me in her pocket and take me everywhere with her so I could comment on everything.

Oh Stop It

  •  I passed a billboard that was advertising a storage company with the words “store your cold stuff” and a picture of a baby on it. What I’m getting from that is, “need to hide a body? Choose us!”

That's Messed Up

  •  I went to Walmart a couple of days before New Years and they were completely out of produce bags…ya know, the little bags you…put your..produce in. I guess we know which New Years resolution most people are trying to achieve this year.

Good Luck

  •  My brother and I were talking about our impending trip to Kansas this weekend and he turned to our friend and said, “you want to come!” He was so enthusiastic that he made it sound like it was going to be a fun trip, when really we’re going for a funeral.

You Know What Else Sounds Fun?

Stabbing Myself In The Face With A Fork

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