A woman came up to me at work, looking all kinds of botoxed up, and then asked for a senior discount. Lady, it’s gotta be one way or the other; you can’t have your cake and eat it too. You want to look young but you’re gonna go around telling people you’re over 60 so you can get something for a cheaper price? What the hell is the point of all the plastic surgery?
I can’t stand when people act like they’re dying when really they have the common cold.
When I saw the Geico pig-in-a-blanket-commercial for the first time I turned to my stepdad and said, “that doesn’t even make sense! Why would he only be wrapped in a blanket, like why wouldn’t he be wearing a shirt or something.” My stepdad replied with, “why is there a talking pig at a football game?”
My car has a stupid ass setting where it lowers the volume of the radio whenever I decelerate and raises it when I accelerate. The problem lies in the fact that I have the radio set to the perfect volume to blend in my terrible singing voice with the song, to where it actually sounds like I can sing. I have to stop singing at stop lights so as not to embarrass myself.
There is a recipe for Beer Cheese Soup on the back of a bag of shredded cheese, which I thought was supposed to be Beef Cheese Soup. Alas, it was an actual recipe for a soup that consists of beer and cheese, which neither sounds appetizing or edible.
I had two people in one day come up to me at work and ask, “you guys don’t have coke, do you?” If you’d take a second and look around you, there is a coca-cola logo on almost every single thing in our building. What do you think the answer to that question is?
A guy came into my work Friday morning and asked, in genuine frustration, “don’t people work anymore?” Uhh sir, you’re not at work either.
I have a terrible fake laugh, it’s really something I should work on. Unfortunately for all the terrible joke tellers out there, who are hoping to get a laugh out of me, I just don’t care enough to work on it. Also, if you’re wondering, for future reference when you say something you hope I’ll laugh at, this is what my fake laugh is like:
My uncle’s girlfriend said that she thought she once bought cow’s tongue. The most stunning part is the fact that she actually cooked and ate it, but still wasn’t sure if she actually bought tongue or just that it tasted the way she thought cow tongue would taste like.
I am probably the worst at responding to life changing news. Example A: My friend texted me that she’s engaged and my response was, “well now you can stop bitching about it.” Example B: Another friend texted me that she’s engaged and my response was, “woot woot! Get it!”
Probably the most awkward social interaction is when someone asks, “oh! do you remember so-and-so?” right in front of the person you’re supposed to remember. Even worse, when the person you’re supposed to remember asks you themselves, “do you remember me?” I usually go with a straightforward, “nope, sorry.” Followed by:
My brother called our cousin, someone we’ve known our whole lives, “Paige” multiple times, in front of her and the rest of our family…her name’s Amber!
I had to use a public restroom on our way back from Kansas, which is something I hate doing. What’s worse, is that some random lady started talking to me while I was peeing.
A couple of girls were banging on an emergency exit door at work and yelling, “help me!” at the top of their lungs. The reactions went as followed: one guy chased after them, one guy called the cops saying he heard gun shots, one person dumped their drink on the person in front of them in their process of freaking out, and everyone else ran out of the theatre. Turns out, they were 12 years old and doing it for a Vine.
My brother and I were waiting in line when our aunt came up behind us, and my brother asked her, “how’d you get up here so fast, did you run?” My aunt responded with, “yeah, I just couldn’t wait.” Which would have been an okay thing to say if we hadn’t been walking into a funeral service at the time.
My grandma, who reads this blog, told me that I needed to tone it down with the F-word…I don’t think I’m doing too well with that.