Random Thoughts of the Week: January 25th-31st

• Every single phone call I take at work:

• A girl I work with asked me if my tattoo, the one that covers my entire lower leg, was real. No, I draw it on everyday for shits and giggles.

• A guy came by my house talking about an energy efficiency program and I’m pretty sure I only understood 10 words he said. They probably wanted someone who was bilingual, but homeboy could not speak English. He probably would have been better off just speaking Spanish and I would have known what he was saying.

• A girl handed me her ticket from her shoe and proceeded to search her shoes for her friend’s ticket. She had perfectly good pockets, why she wasn’t using them is beyond me.

• Two different groups of people came out of their movie saying they were supposed to have tickets for a different movie. Now, my coworker did sell them the wrong tickets; however, not only does their ticket tell them they have the wrong movie, the marquee above the door also tells them. Even with that information they all sat in the wrong auditorium for an hour past when their movie was supposed to start. Why are you not coming out to say something when your movie doesn’t start when it’s supposed to? Sure we made a mistake, but don’t be a fucking idiot.

• I was giving my friend a hard time about her cell phone and when she was going to get a new one and I shit you not, this is what she says, “in the next millennium…I’ll get an iPhone, but by that point I’m sure people will be speaking texts.” So phone calls?

• “Oh my gosh, guess who just had their baby?!” Guess who doesn’t care?!

• To my neighbor who hits his car’s lock button at least 5 times every single night: I’m pretty sure one honk tells you that your car is actually locked, seven seems like a bit of an overkill.

• They brought back the Taylor Swift song at work, the one that made me bitch about her a month or so ago. If work didn’t already suck, listening to that song every 5 minutes for many hours straight really tops it off. It’s the cherry on top of an already large pile of shit (that’s how the saying goes, right?).

Cooking with Alex #1-Chicken Taquitos

Okay so I really enjoy cooking and I love finding new recipes to try. I decided that any time they turned out well, I was going to share it with everybody else. Tonight I made these:

I usually find the recipes through pinterest but they are always for more than 4 people, so the main point of this is to teach people how to make these for themselves.

HERE WE GO.

(Here is the real recipe, this is just my single serving spin on it.)

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING ELSE

• Preheat oven to 325
• Get yourself a chicken breast.
• Cut off the ick.
• Grab some foil and spray it with cooking spray.
• Wrap up the chicken in the foil, put in a pan and stick in the oven for 30 minutes (you can flip it half way through but I don’t think it matters)
• Don’t worry if it’s a smidge under done, it’ll cook more when it’s in the taquito.
• Tear it into shreds as big as you’d like.

WHAT YOU NEED

• Shredded chicken (enough for 2 taquitos)
• 1 oz Cream cheese
• 2 small flour tortillas (idk if corn tortillas will be different because they are gross and I don’t eat those)
• Mozzarella (however much you want)
• 2 tbs. of butter
• garlic powder
• seasoning of choice (the recipe says cajun but I just used a blend I already had, I don’t think it matters)
• salsa
• milk
• vegetable oil

WHAT TO DO

• Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
• In a small sauce pot over medium low heat, melt butter.
• Add seasoning. Stir to combine and cook for 1 minute.
• Add cream cheese and stir until melted and completely combined with butter and spices.
• Wisk in hot sauce (about a tablespoon) and milk (also about a tablespoon) and simmer for ~3 minutes. Add salt to taste.
• Combine chicken and sauce.
• Lay out a tortillas; fill partially with chicken and top with mozzarella.
• Tightly roll up taquito (I put a toothpick in mine to keep it shut. Just remember to take it out so you don’t die.) and place on a greased baking sheet.
• Brush taquitos with vegetable oil on all sides.
• Bake for about 15 minutes; rotate the taquitos about every 3-5 minutes, until each side is golden brown.
• ENJOY

I’m gonna try to do these at least once a week but I’m not that reliable and I’m also a poor college kid so I don’t always have the stuff to make cool things.

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 18th-24th

• I walked in on a woman going to the bathroom because she didn’t lock the door. Traumatizing for both of us, I think.

• I drop my sister’s mail off to her even though she supposedly lives with me.

• On that note, I was eating dinner and I heard the front door being unlocked; since my sister hasn’t been home in 2 months it took me a second to remember she would be the one coming through the door and not a murderer.

• A kid, probably 13, farted on my coworker, lifted his leg and farted on her. When she told me I laughed, but if he had done that to me that little shit would have left crying.

• I saw two of the manliest men, like Paul Bunyan type mother fuckers, walk out of Les Miserables together. I wasn’t sure what to make of it; were they a couple, two men who really love musicals, two men who didn’t actually know what the movie was about? I’ll never know, but hopefully they liked the movie.

• While working, there was a group of three kids standing around making a mess and being annoying, and one of them put his hand up to me for a high five

• •I’m not sure what’s wrong with parents these days, but almost every kid under 18 acts like a fucking animal. Hell, my dog is more well behaved than these kids. I can tell my dog to sit and he will, but heaven forbid these kids learn how to follow simple rules of being in a public place.

• •You want to know the worst way of learning that a certain muscle is involved in every single movement the body makes? Injuring that muscle. When I tell people that I’ve pulled the muscle between my ribs, and they act like I’m being dramatic

• Why do people not trust my opinion?

• I had to wait behind a guy who was waiting for a parking spot when there was an open one 4 spaces down.

• A kid told me he wanted a large pop, and I had to ask him what he said because I was confused. This is Texas, we say coke. He should have just told me what he wanted to drink and not just that he wanted a drink, no matter what wording he used.

Take Notes, Kids

Last week my coworker told me what might be the funniest story I’ve ever heard, and I wanted to share it with you all. (As I’m typing it I realize that it sounds really serious and it is, but the way she told it was hilarious. Nothing happened to her, so it’s ok to laugh.) A little background on my coworker: she’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met, but she’s also young, naive, and innocent, which doesn’t bode well for the situation she gets herself into. This is her story:

Her and her friend are both 18 so they decide they’ll go to a club; they’re sitting there in a corner drinking water when two guys come up to them. These guys tell them that they are Dolphin trainers from Holland (I’m sure), that they are stopping in Dallas on their way to San Antonio. While they’re talking to these guys their friend, a third dude from Holland, who is sitting at the bar, sends over drinks for the girls to drink. At this point, my coworker tells me that she’s pretty sure that they were probably trying to roofie them, so they don’t drink them 1)because thank God, they’re smarter than that 2)she’s too innocent to drink when she’s underage. Even after that, they continue talking to these guys for a total of 20 minutes until finally my coworker fakes a phone call from her mother saying that their sister is sick and that they need to go. They tell my coworker that in Holland it’s custom to kiss people on the cheek three times to say goodbye (and I’m sure by cheek they really meant their dick), and my coworker fucking does it because she’s too nice to say, “get the fuck out of my face!/well, here in America we don’t do that!” I asked her why she did it, and why she continued talking to them in the first place and she said, “they were nice enough and they were kind of cute…one looked like a human version of Frankenstein (the monster, and yeah I fucking know Frankenstein is the doctor’s name but I don’t fucking care you know what I/she means).” When I asked her what a human Frankenstein looks like she said, “well, he was tall.” I’m not real sure what a human Frankenstein would look like (apparently you only need to be tall to qualify), and I sure as hell don’t know how you’d think he’s cute. I already think this is fucking creepy and then she tells me that they follow them out into the parking lot trying to get them to go back inside. She said her friend had pepper spray in her hand; I told her, “at that point you turn around, spray those fuckers in the face and say, “welcome to America, assholes!” They didn’t spray them, but when they saw the pepper spray they turned around and went inside.

After she told me this story, I told my supervisor and we proceeded to make references about Holland, penises, and sex. I think she learned to either, never go to clubs until she’s a little meaner or to never tell me a story. I certainly hope it’s the former, because her stories are hilarious.

The lesson here people is that when you think the person you’re talking to is creepy as hell you get the fuck out of there. I don’t care how nice of a person you are, if they’re following you into the parking lot you spray those fuckers in the face with pepper spray (kick them in the crotch for good measure) and leave.

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 11th-17th

• Why are pills to help a cold so fucking big? My throat already hurts, but by all means make me swallow a pill that we should be giving to a horse. Not to mention the fact that it takes me 5 minutes to get the pills out of their super intense packaging.

• I can see what people search that bring them to my blog and two people last week searched “church thought of the week.” They didn’t find what they were looking for.

• I mentioned I was sick last week, which has continued all of this week as well, and I have spent all my free time during this bout of sickness in bed watching murder shows: First 48, Snapped, Deadly Women, Women Behind Bars..you name it I watched it. The narrators just suck you in with their entrancing voices; where do they find those people?

• Two guys tried to sneak into an R-rated movie and when they were given the option to go to a different movie they chose Les Miserable.

• When I ate Raisin Bran Crunch as a kid I would pretty much just eat the raisins and dump out the bran. Probably should have just gotten a box of raisins.

• I know I’ve talked about this multiple times, but it seriously still happens every day: “well you look happy to be here,” and “Aren’t you a ray of sunshine.” We’ve worked together for 2 years, get the fuck over it; I’m happy with my life, what’s your problem with it?

• Instead of buying a long lighter I use a regular lighter to light junk mail on fire and light my grill that way. Yeah I’m cheap, but it’s also efficient.

• Speaking of lighting the grill, last night I went to light it and I guess there was some gas built up and when I lit it there was a burst of fire. My eyelashes, eyebrows and the right side of my hair are now shorter. Good thing I didn’t get ready that day or else the hairspray I normally use would have sent me up in flames. It would have been a Michael-Jackson-and-the-Pepsi-commercial moment for me.

• The “security guards” where I work just park their security vehicles in the parking lots with their lights on. It’s really fucking creepy.

• A girl I work with said that I’ve been slipping on the blog, that it’s not as funny. No one is forcing you to read it

• We were in Barnes and Noble and two high school guys asked one of the employees, “Where can we find How To Kill A Mockingbird?” I don’t care that they haven’t read it, but to not know the name of it. Really? They’re probably the type who reply, “I don’t read” when people ask them what kind of books they like.

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 4th-10th

• Every time people would ask for a ticket to Django they would pronounce it duh-jango, like Dijon mustard. He told you in the trailer, the D is silent.

• A kid used a fake ID, one saying he was 21, to get him and his friends into an R-rated movie. Problem with that is that once we verified that he wasn’t 21 ( 1. The kid who checked his ID goes to high school with him and 2. He used to work at another AMC so we called and had them check his file…turns out he’s 16) we had to call the cops because it’s the company’s policy. So we go to get the kid and tell him he has to wait with us and that’s when he starts his spiel about how he’s a good kid and that this will ruin his life. I asked him why he got the ID in the first place and he said to get into a club…strike one. He told us that his friend got in trouble for the same thing and it was a $5,000 fine and blah blah blah…strike two, should’ve learned from your friends mistake. When my manager told him he wouldn’t be tried as an adult he said that he had already been in a lot of trouble…strike three, you’re an idiot. He gets a class-c misdemeanor and loses the license all for Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which he didn’t even get to finish. At least try and sneak into a good rated-R movie, like Django.

• I don’t think I’ll ever be able to properly fold a fitted bed sheet.

• I was checking IDs, like I always do because I’m the only one that people take seriously, and when a couple walked by me the guy jokingly said to his girlfriend, “do you want to sneak into Texas Chainsaw?” His girlfriend replied, “No, I don’t think so; she looks scary.”

• I don’t care how small a purse is there will always be that one thing that will take you 5 minutes to find. It’s like we all have Hermoine’s bottomless-fucking-pit-of-a-purse.

• A guy threw up in Django, and after I finished cleaning it up he passed by me and apologized saying, “sorry, I have a weak stomach and it’s pretty gory.” Were you expecting a movie about rainbows and kittens? He probably watched one guy get shot; he didn’t even get to the guy getting his penis blown off and he was already getting sick.

• A guy came out and asked us if we could shut the door to the auditorium he was in because he could hear the shitty music we play in the lobby (he just said music, but it’s really terrible and I thought you should know). I guess he thinks there’s some kind of special powers you need to close the door. He couldn’t just shut it himself? He wasted more time and missed more of the movie so he could come and find us to do it for him?

• I’d like to thank the 20 coworkers of mine who passed on their sickness to me, really fantastic.

Random Thoughts of the Week: December 28th-January 3rd

Well it’s a new year with new idiots, let’s begin.

• My parents live so far north in Arkansas that they drive to Missouri to get groceries. Something about that struck me as funny.

• While shopping, a father and son passed me and the son said he wanted shorts. The dad replied, “you’re a dude, dudes don’t shop for clothes.” That kid better marry early or else his mother’s gonna be shopping for him when he’s 30.

• If you seriously use one of those electric scooters at Walmart just because you’re overweight and don’t want to walk I don’t have any sympathy for you. I’m really not, but you’re probably thinking

• I almost always regret watching comedies with people because either they’re laughing and I’m not or I’m laughing and they’re not. Either way, awkward times ensue.

• Watching someone get pulled over, after they ride your ass and then pass you like they have somewhere more important to be, is extremely rewarding.

• Especially when the cop gets two of them at the same time.

• Having a motion sensored light is helpful, but also raises my anxiety a little bit. Any time I see the light go on I feel the odds that I’m about to die increase dramatically. I just sit there hoping that it’s a bug and not a psycho wielding a weapon.

• The McRib is back at McDonald’s; I’m not really sure why it was ever created in the first place. Seriously, I don’t think any of us want to know what “meat” they use in them.

• I’m 22 and I’m still fascinated with seeing my breath when it’s cold outside (or inside if your heat isn’t working).

• What the hell is the point of a pull handle to get out of a restroom? It defeats the purpose of washing your hands if you have to grab a handle that’s been touched by the people who don’t wash their hands.

• How does one go about starting a funeral home? Do they wake up one day thinking “you know what, I want to put dead people in the ground for the rest of my life.” ?

• A little kid threw his hat at me while I was standing there helping his dad. The urge to just slap the shit out of people’s kids gets stronger every day.