Take Notes, Kids

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Last week my coworker told me what might be the funniest story I’ve ever heard, and I wanted to share it with you all. (As I’m typing it I realize that it sounds really serious and it is, but the way she told it was hilarious. Nothing happened to her, so it’s ok to laugh.) A little background on my coworker: she’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met, but she’s also young, naive, and innocent, which doesn’t bode well for the situation she gets herself into. This is her story:

Her and her friend are both 18 so they decide they’ll go to a club; they’re sitting there in a corner drinking water when two guys come up to them. These guys tell them that they are Dolphin trainers from Holland (I’m sure), that they are stopping in Dallas on their way to San Antonio. While they’re talking to these guys their friend, a third dude from Holland, who is sitting at the bar, sends over drinks for the girls to drink. At this point, my coworker tells me that she’s pretty sure that they were probably trying to roofie them, so they don’t drink them 1)because thank God, they’re smarter than that 2)she’s too innocent to drink when she’s underage. Even after that, they continue talking to these guys for a total of 20 minutes until finally my coworker fakes a phone call from her mother saying that their sister is sick and that they need to go. They tell my coworker that in Holland it’s custom to kiss people on the cheek three times to say goodbye (and I’m sure by cheek they really meant their dick), and my coworker fucking does it because she’s too nice to say, “get the fuck out of my face!/well, here in America we don’t do that!” I asked her why she did it, and why she continued talking to them in the first place and she said, “they were nice enough and they were kind of cute…one looked like a human version of Frankenstein (the monster, and yeah I fucking know Frankenstein is the doctor’s name but I don’t fucking care you know what I/she means).” When I asked her what a human Frankenstein looks like she said, “well, he was tall.” I’m not real sure what a human Frankenstein would look like (apparently you only need to be tall to qualify), and I sure as hell don’t know how you’d think he’s cute. I already think this is fucking creepy and then she tells me that they follow them out into the parking lot trying to get them to go back inside. She said her friend had pepper spray in her hand; I told her, “at that point you turn around, spray those fuckers in the face and say, “welcome to America, assholes!” They didn’t spray them, but when they saw the pepper spray they turned around and went inside.

After she told me this story, I told my supervisor and we proceeded to make references about Holland, penises, and sex. I think she learned to either, never go to clubs until she’s a little meaner or to never tell me a story. I certainly hope it’s the former, because her stories are hilarious.

The lesson here people is that when you think the person you’re talking to is creepy as hell you get the fuck out of there. I don’t care how nice of a person you are, if they’re following you into the parking lot you spray those fuckers in the face with pepper spray (kick them in the crotch for good measure) and leave.

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