Random Thoughts of the Week: December 20th-26th

• I was holding a friend’s puppy when it started to do the running-in-it’s-sleep-thing, at which point, I turned to my friend and asked, “do you think puppies dream that they’re big?” I was being completely genuine too. She looked at me as if I was losing my mind.

• Tasting pasta to see if it’s been cooked long enough is a terrible part of the cooking process. If it’s not ready it has a terrible texture, and even if it is ready it tastes like shit.

• I just found out recently that “no tears shampoo” didn’t mean that if you got it in your eyes that you wouldn’t cry, it meant that your hair wouldn’t tear…as in not getting torn. First of all,  why the fuck would you advertise it as your hair not tearing? What the fuck does tearing your hair even involve? Also, how did I just learn this?

• A guy I work with thought that the new Beyoncé song XO said, “love you like Tao” instead of “love you lights out.” He thought that Tao was a way to say xo in English.

• My manager said that she was craving puppy chow (ya know the chex cereal with chocolate, peanut butter, and powdered sugar on it) and my supervisor asked, “you mean like dog food?”

• My friend tried to convince us that the Holocaust was all propaganda and that the Nazis treated the Jews really well. For some reason I feel like the Jews would definitely disagree with him. He also mentioned something about Hitler being a really smart guy who had really good ideas.

• My mom was being all sweet and motherly while I was visiting them for Christmas by asking me, as she was going to bed, “do you know how to turn off the TV?” I responded with, “uhh the power button..”

• My uncle showed up at my parent’s house and immediately said, “I’m gonna go to the garage…” Pshh! We all know what that means.

• My dad likes to tell everyone the story about when I was five or six years old and I rolled my window down, stuck my head out the window and yelled, “ándale ándale” at a couple of hispanics that were walking on the sidewalk. I promise I’ve become a better person than my five or six year old self; I’m still an asshole, but I’m not a racist asshole. That counts…right?

Random Thoughts of the Week: December 13th-19th

•Last week my sister and I were talking about what to get our parents for Christmas and she felt the need to remind me that Christmas is less than two weeks away. No shit? Is Christmas on the 25th this year? I had no idea.

•I had a dream where bees had somehow gotten under my skin and made a beehive in my arm. I then proceeded to pop it like a zit and the beehive came out, along with a massive amount of bees. I guess the term nightmare would’ve been more accurate.

•I was catching my brother up on a show and said, “he shot the sheriff….but not the deputy.” He didn’t find my joke via an Eric Clapton song reference funny.

•A kid I work with got a new hair cut and he was telling everyone it was his “Asian” haircut because “it’s the haircut that all Asians have.” I told him that that’s offensive/racist and he said, “well it’s not racist if it’s true.” I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works.

•We had a problem with one of our projectors at work so I was standing in the theatre looking at a black screen, waiting to see if the movie would start, and a guy walked up to me and said, “do you know that the screen’s going out?” Oh is that why the screen is blank? Thank you, kind sir, for enlightening me.

•Some guys were upset about this kid cussing out his “girlfriend,” even though I’m pretty sure it was just his friend that had long hair, but that’s not the point. Anyway, they come out after the movie and one of the three guys that stopped to talk to me is ranting about it, and when I tell him that I can get my manager he says, “oh, I’m not mad, I just want you to know that I think he should have been kicked out. He was aggressive, which makes him a threat, and that makes me uncomfortable. My training taught me not to get involved because I would’ve gone to jail, but just so you know that kid would have been missing a knee cap if it had escalated. Also, I have friends on the city council and that nice liquor license you guys are applying for would be done with. Now you have a good night.” Right…you’re not mad at all you passive aggressive dickhead! The only difference between you and the guy you’re mad at is that you didn’t use any offensive language, but you’re still an asshole. Oh and what’s this training you’re referring to? What, are you a fucking eagle scout? You gonna take out that kid’s knee cap with your fucking pocket knife, you 5’4 hobbit-looking mother fucker? Get out of my face with your shit. You’re complaining to me when I can’t do anything for you, ya dumbass.

• We were doing a white elephant gift exchange at a Christmas party and a guy, someone I’ve never met before, made me take the present his little girl wanted. Like, she literally just got done saying how much she wanted this particular present so we would all know not to choose it. Now I understand why he was doing it, so she could learn how the steal rule of white elephant works, but did he have to make me do it? I’m already terrible with kids and I look mean. It didn’t help that no one knew he told me to do it. It was a hot mess; she started bawling immediately. I guess I can check “making a child cry at Christmas” off of my list of things I never thought I’d do.

 

Random Thoughts of the Week: December 6th-12th

• Did you guys watch the VS Fashion Show the other night? There was one model who looked like she was wearing those bright yellow cleaning gloves.

• I hate when kids squeak their wet shoes on tile.

• Texans have to be the most dramatic people ever when it comes to weather. I mean, it had just started to sleet and one of the reporters was saying, “if you look here you can see how bad it’s getting.” The sleet was literally just blowing across the ground.

• My sister drove home from work early and said the roads were really bad from the ice. She then proceeded to get ready and then get back on the roads to drive to her boyfriend’s place, because that makes sense.

• I’ve found that driving in icy conditions can turn some people into real dicks. Like, we’ve got just two tire tracks that are free of ice and “safe” to drive on, but apparently some people are in more of a hurry to get places than everyone else; their solution, after riding my ass isn’t getting them anywhere, is to get into the lane covered in more than a couple inches of solid ice and go 50mph. With people like that on the roads, I decided that we should forever refer to this past week as Assholes on Ice. For all you assholes, who drive like maniacs:

• With the aforementioned weather, came a million calls asking if we were open at work. I shit you not, every minute someone called saying, “I was just wondering if you guys were open…” Whelp, I’m sure as shit answering the phone so I’d say it’s a good bet that we are. “Well your website says..” Yes thank you, I’m fucking aware of what the website says.

• I had a kid ask what Delivery Man was about, and I didn’t know if I was supposed to tell the child that it’s about a guy who has 500 kids because he donated his sperm 600 times.

• There’s a sign near a shopping center that says, “don’t leave anything in your car!” That seems more than a little dramatic. Should I be taking my empty water bottle with me into the store?

• Do you guys ever get excited about pens? Like when you have to sign the check at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress gives you a nice pen to use, and then you consider stealing it? I know you know what I mean, and I know it happens to you too.

• My brother was excited about $10 off of his Old Navy purchase so he clapped, rather loudly, and the woman ringing him up said, also rather loudly, ” well hot dog!” I think she was surprised by the fact that she said that out loud, because she covered her mouth and looked away.

Random Thoughts of the Week: November 29th-December 5th

•Have you guys ever actually thought about Chik-Fil-A’s advertisements? I only just thought about the fact that their entire approach is to have cows pleading for people to eat/kill more chickens instead of killing/eating cows.

•Life tip: close your blinds. My brother and I drove by a house with all of the blinds open and I could see everything that was happening. In the room upstairs, I shit you not, it looked like a kid was taking a vacuum hose to penis. I’m scarred forever.

•My brother puts on music while he drives and then looks up the lyrics so he can sing along. Not only is he trying to read while driving, he still isn’t getting the words right. He’s totally going to get us killed, and the last thing I’ll hear is my brother speaking gibberish to a beat.

•A woman told me we should get paid time and a half for working on Thanksgiving…uhh how about you stay home and we won’t have to work at all.

•I told a guy his total and he asked, “are you guys still taking cash?….I heard Obama was restricting cash.” 

•Apparently a guy I work with is planning on buying a bunch of dildos to throw at the foreign exchange student that is staying with him. Nothing says, “welcome to America” quite like a dildo to the face.

•A guy told my brother to have a good night and my brother said, “you’re welcome.”