- I was holding a friend’s puppy when it started to do the running-in-it’s-sleep-thing, at which point, I turned to my friend and asked, “do you think puppies dream that they’re big?” I was being completely genuine too. She looked at me as if I was losing my mind.
- Tasting pasta to see if it’s been cooked long enough is a terrible part of the cooking process. If it’s not ready it has a terrible texture, and even if it is ready it tastes like shit.
- I just found out recently that “no tears shampoo” didn’t mean that if you got it in your eyes that you wouldn’t cry, it meant that your hair wouldn’t tear…as in not getting torn. First of all, why the fuck would you advertise it as your hair not tearing? What the fuck does tearing your hair even involve? Also, how did I just learn this?
- A guy I work with thought that the new Beyoncé song XO said, “love you like Tao” instead of “love you lights out.” He thought that Tao was a way to say xo in English.
- My manager said that she was craving puppy chow (ya know the chex cereal with chocolate, peanut butter, and powdered sugar on it) and my supervisor asked, “you mean like dog food?”
- My friend tried to convince us that the Holocaust was all propaganda and that the Nazis treated the Jews really well. For some reason I feel like the Jews would definitely disagree with him. He also mentioned something about Hitler being a really smart guy who had really good ideas.
- My mom was being all sweet and motherly while I was visiting them for Christmas by asking me, as she was going to bed, “do you know how to turn off the TV?” I responded with, “uhh the power button..”
- My uncle showed up at my parent’s house and immediately said, “I’m gonna go to the garage…” Pshh! We all know what that means.
- My dad likes to tell everyone the story about when I was five or six years old and I rolled my window down, stuck my head out the window and yelled, “ándale ándale” at a couple of hispanics that were walking on the sidewalk. I promise I’ve become a better person than my five or six year old self; I’m still an asshole, but I’m not a racist asshole. That counts…right?