A dude wanted a ticket to Elysium and asked for a ticket to asylum…not the same thing, my man. I’m sure there’s at least one person reading this thinking to themselves, “well you knew what he meant.” Yeah, I know what he meant, but I also know that he should know the difference between the words elysium and asylum.
I work with a kid who is so fucking stupid that it’s indescribable. No I’m serious, I honestly cannot explain it to you. Any time I talk to him I have to refrain from slapping him in the face.
Laying in bed, starting on a nice relaxing stretch, and then getting a charley horse in your calf is what I imagine hell would be like.
I saw a car that had “for sale” written on the back of it; the problem was, that I saw it broken down on the side of the highway. I’ll pass on that one, thanks though.
I’ve had a UPS guy give me shit for my signature not looking anything like what I told him my last name was. I didn’t realize you wanted proper cursive, asshole…not that your technology would pick it up anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to print my name clearly on that shit. So, shut up dude!
I thought I was buying orange gatorade…turns out it was tangerine/mandarin. You suck, Gatorade, for making them the exact same color and the flavor label so fucking small!
I will never understand why random people, people I have no mutual friends with or that know me in any way, send me friend requests on Facebook.
While we’re on the subject of Facebook, I’ve decided that as more and more of the people I went to high school with have kids, I’ll have to start hiding them from my newsfeed. I can’t unfriend them just in case I want to creep on them later, but I also don’t want to keep seeing pictures of their kids every other second. They look the same in every. single. picture! Do you honestly think we want to see 10,000 copies of the same picture?
I’ve discovered that I don’t enjoy groups of people all trying to clap to the same beat. It never works out, because everyone gets out of time after two claps.
On that note, the guy standing behind me at the Fun. concert clapped on off beats for the entire concert! Even when everyone is clapping on every beat, he would be clapping on only the 1st and 3rd beat. Like, my dude, get your shit together because it’s really fucking distracting and annoying!
You know when you’re opening a door and you can’t decide whether or not to hold it for the person behind you? Like, they’re kind of far away, but just close enough that you would feel bad about not holding it open. I feel that same way about yellow lights…I’ll be at a distance that makes me have a moment of indecision. Do I floor it and hope I make the light or do I slam on my breaks and hope the person behind me doesn’t slam into me?
I hate when I know there is a hair somewhere on my person, but I can’t see it.
When I unlock my car, the headlights flash a few times and a family was walking in front of my car when it happened one night. They looked like they were afraid I was about to kidnap them.
A woman had a card on her keychain that I needed to swipe, unfortunately that keychain was attached to her purse in the form of a fucking lanyard that was knotted to it. Her attempt at fitting her purse in the little window didn’t really work, and neither did her attempt at trying to make the lanyard stretch far enough for me to swipe the card. Clearly not the brightest person I’ve ever dealt with.
There was a guy driving like a madman on the highway, but thankfully he had his caution lights on. While normally caution lights are used for people broken down on the side of the road, I guess they could also be used to let everyone know, “hey I’m an impatient asshole and I drive like a crazy motherfucker!” Get off the road asshole!
I’m friends with two people who are extremely loud people and I find myself wondering how I even came to be friends with them, because I hate attention…and they attract it wherever they go. Everywhere we go there are at least three people looking at us at all times.
My lack of a desire for attention would also explain why I hate the idea of celebrating birthdays. I just don’t understand the point of them. So this will be me today:
I apparently have an unfortunate skill of making people I work with cry, but you know what?
A guy I work with asked me to make him some food, something that he easily could have done himself, and I wasn’t having any of it. I said, “are you physically incapable of doing it yourself?” He said, “well it’s better when someone else does it.” So I told him I’d do it just this one time and that he’s on his own next time and he has the balls to say, “yeah I won’t make you do it next time.” I turned around and said, “you won’t make me do anything…ever.”
You wanna know what bothers me, and will always bother me? How insistent teachers were that we learned cursive! I’ve never once used cursive, like, what a load of shit!
Yeah I know, it’s a short one this week, but if you have a problem with it then I’ve only got one suggestion for you.
A guy I work with needed his shift taken so he could go on a “friend date” with the girl who broke up with him only a day earlier. We all just looked at him for a few minutes and he didn’t seem to understand why what he was telling us would be seen as weird.
I’m almost positive that being a home owner is going to kill me. I’m not equipped for almost anything that happens or things that need to be done. Just the other day I took a weed eater to the bushes because they needed to be trimmed…that’s how that’s done, right?
You know what’s inevitable? The second leg a woman shaves being worse off then the one we started with. We just stop caring as much after we spend all that time on leg one.
My friends and I went to a bar that had 4 different stories, and I’ll take a shot in the dark and say that they aren’t big on catering to handicapped people; they had the elevator blocked with a table so a lady could sell beers.
A convenience store on a Sunday morning is the best place to tell what kind of night a person had. One look at somebody and you know it was a rough one.
That being said, you can also tell what kind of a driver a person is based on how they turn; if they do a complete stop to turn then you want to get away from them as soon as possible because they’re probably going to be driving 5 under the speed limit.
Life tip for all those people who fall for that Catfish type shit: if the person you’re talking to online ever uses the word “silly” when talking to you, then they are probably older than 50.