Random Thoughts of the Week: February 21st-27th

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•We have one of those little clock displays that say “we’re closed until…” and it was sitting in the window even though we were obviously open. So of course multiple jackasses feel the need to say, “oh it says you’re still closed hahaha.” I didn’t realize I needed to explain.

Let Me Spell It Out For You Go To Hell•I got my friend a present from Bed Bath & Beyond and of course my cheap ass totally took advantage of their free gift wrapping station. That was where I found out that I am self conscious about my wrapping ability, because I know the woman at the station next to me was totally judging me.

Don't judge me, okay.•I was walking through Walmart and apparently someone thought it was a brilliant idea to display shot glasses next to the juice. Is it so all the 16 and pregnant moms can make their kids feel included when they’re doing shots by having them do shots of juice with them?
•My friend looked at me and said, “your hair actually looks good.” Actually? Actually? What the hell does that mean?

What No Stop•I hate the phrase “hit the head.” What the fuck does that even mean? Are you gonna go hit the head of your penis against something for a couple minutes? I don’t get it and it’s stupid.

Huh•Any time I see that someone has their gas cap open at a stop light I want to get out and close it for them. Then I realize that I live in gun-loving-Texas and if I walked up on someone’s car they would probably end up killing me. I think I’ll pass.

Nah Ah Ah

  • I can’t even begin to explain the amount of information that was forced into my brain during the orientation for my new job.

Headache

  • I told my sister that my grandma has the hard copies all of the Nicolas Sparks’ books and she said, “what’s a hard copy?”

Tell me you're not serious

  • My mom was telling a story and said, “…where was he at?” Uhh Mom, you’re the one telling the story.

Lucy Confused

 

  • Hopefully I can share some good stories from my new job…keep your fingers crossed.

I Hope

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 14th-20th

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•I don’t even have to put my trashcan by the road anymore, the garbage man just takes it no matter what.

Daww

•Do women still get all pissy when you use the wrong title? Like, I remember when I would call someone Miss instead of Misses and they’d be all, “umm I’m married, it’s Mrs. Blah Blah…”

Bring It Down A Notch, No One Cares•I love when people say, “I’m not gonna come back to (insert the name of the business you work for)…I’ll go to (insert competitors’ name)” expecting me to bend over backwards to keep them coming back.

Like I give a fuck•One of my supervisors told a girl I work with that everyone hated her.

Bitch!•A guy I work with goes by the nickname Colonel Sanders, and one of the girls I work with came in one night and said to a group of us, “did you guys know there was actually a guy named colonel sanders? I heard his name on a video and I was like, ‘I know a guy named colonel sanders.'”

Everyone I work with is an idiot... And by sometimes, I mean all times All the time Every of the time

•Apparently one of the new kids at work asked someone, “what do you think about plowing coworkers?”

How Dare You

  • Number two, are you a fucking farmer? Why the hell are you using the term plowing?

Sit in the Corner

•Some woman had to go to the restroom while my coworker was helping her and the woman asked, “can you hold my baby?” The woman literally handed her the baby over the counter and my coworker is just holding the baby and working the till.

What Is Happening•We had a technician come out to work on some of our equipment at work and before the guy even starts he asks, “do you know what’s wrong with it?” Uhh isn’t that your job? Is that not why we’re paying you? How the fuck should we know what’s wrong with it?

Agh•A girl I work with was asking me if I wanted some of her lotion and she said, “it’s country chick.” Chic, it was Country Chic.

School•A guy called up to my work complaining about the prices saying, “your prices are ridiculous! I never would’ve paid that much to see a movie if it wasn’t Valentine’s Day and a movie that my girlfriend/wife wanted to see.” Wow, what a sweetheart! He really went out of his cheap ass ways to treat his girlfriend/wife to a special night. Girlfriend needs to get out of that situation as soon as possible. Seriously, run!

Run!

•We were talking about the movie Parent Trap at work and one of the kids I work with said, “we did that to my dad’s girlfriends once…” and I was so confused that I just stood there for a minute or two trying to decide what he meant. Like, did he find out he had a twin at a summer camp, did he switch places with his twin that he just found out about, did he tell the girlfriend that there were cougars in the woods and to bang sticks together to get them to go away, or maybe they drugged her and put her in the middle of a lake on an air mattress? There were so many possible things that he could have been talking about.

WHAAAAAT?

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 7th-13th

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  • Well Valentine’s Day is tomorrow, so let me start by saying that if you’re the type of person who asks someone what they’re doing on Valentine’s Day then you need to stop. It’s fucking Valentine’s Day what do you think a person’s plans are? There are really only two options: 1)That person is single (which you probably already know so why are you asking anyway) and they’ll be sitting at home watching Netflix or 2) They’re going to dinner with they’re boyfriend/girlfriend and then having sex. What is there to be curious about?

I don't know *shrug*

  • I was at work watching it snow and I thought to myself, “well it’s starting to stop…” and then I spent the next five minutes thinking about how weird it is to say that something is starting to stop.

Just Sayin

  • A new kid called up to work the day it snowed and said that he was supposed to come up that night to fill out paperwork, but that since the roads were bad (which they weren’t) he couldn’t make it in. Clearly they hired a real winner with that one.

Bit of a Bitch

  • A woman offered to pay for her two friends, as well as herself, and then her card got declined. Talk about awkward.

Awkward silence

  • A couple asked me how long a restaurant, that’s across the street from my work, had been there. Four years, it’s been there for at least four years. How have you missed seeing an entire building for four years?!

Huh? Huh?

  • A 17 year old girl walked up to me at work and asked, “are you guys open?”

Chloe-what the fuck?

  • I had to pee in a cup for a drug test, and let me tell you, someone should have invented a better way for women to pee in a cup by now. Like, can I get a funnel or something so I’m not sitting there moving the cup around trying to catch enough pee to pass the line?

Right

  • The moment you realize it’s gonna be one of those days.

Fuck This Shit

  • I had a guy tell me that he used to see movies for 50 cents, which he said while wearing his fancy clothes and holding the keys to his fancy car in his hands.

Eat a dick!

  • I was watching the Olympics, and they showed Vladimir Putin shaking hands with some of the American athletes and I thought to myself, “He is not a person that I would want to meet.” Seriously, if they said, “hey Vladimir Putin wants to meet you…” My only response before running off would be:

No, hard pass

  • I saw a no smoking ad recently where a girl goes to buy a pack of cigarettes, but doesn’t have enough money and the cashier says, “you need more.” So the girl peels some skin off of her face! I guess that’s one way to keep kids from smoking.

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth a Little Bit

  • I put in my two weeks notice at work last week.

Celebrate

Random Thoughts of the Week: January 31st-February 6th

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  • I was at a bar and there was a group of three old ladies just sitting together, checking out every guy in the bar, and making comments out loud to each other. “Well doesn’t he have a cute butt…” “Aww he’s a cutie!”

No and Headshake

  • I hate when people come up to me while they’re smoking. Put that thing out and stop blowing your nasty ass smoke in my face!

I hate smokers

  • I went to a soccer game over the weekend and in the process of finding a place to park I also found a group of real assholes. There was an open parking space that I wanted to park in, but the dick head in the spot next to it had his car doors open while him and his friends were just standing in it talking. I had to yell “excuse me, can I park there?” three times until they finally realized that maybe someone wanted to fucking park in an open parking space for a sold out game!

Asshole day

  • As we were walking by the previously mentioned assholes, one of the girls, who was probably 14, said, “…those bitches.” Whether directed towards me or not, why is that child talking like that, and why are the adults she’s standing next to not telling her to knock it the fuck off?

I Mean Seriously

  • At that same game, there was a woman who tried to start the wave for the entire hour and a half game. Literally, she yelled “1,2,3” at least 20 times and never once got more than 20 people to even attempt the wave. Then kept complaining about how no one would do the wave.

Bitch, Shut Up

  • Let me tell you something, being the only liberal-minded person out of almost all the people you know is an unfortunate situation. For example, Coke’s Superbowl ad came on, ya know the on where they had a bunch of kids sing America the Beautiful in different languages, everyone in the room started talking about how people in America should speak English…and I’m just sitting there trying to stifle the groan that wants to come out of my mouth.

Pillow Over Face

  • A woman pulled out an iPhone, turned to her grand kid, who looked to be about 7, and asked, “is your phone volume turned down?” He said, “yeah, it’s on mute.” An iPhone? Why does that kid need an iPhone? What important business calls is this kid expecting that he can’t use the phone of whatever adult he’s with at the time?

I Don't Get It At All

  • I passed a business called Condoms To Go. As opposed to what, Condoms To Stay? Do they think if they leave the “to go” out of the name that people will assume they can stay and use the condoms they just purchased?

Really?

  • I had to take a polygraph for a job I’m hoping to get, and let me tell you something, I was paranoid as shit. I haven’t done anything crazy or unlawful in all of my 23 years, but the process of getting hooked up to a computer and asked random questions about your life is nerve wracking. Hell, I think even a nun would be paranoid when taking a polygraph.

I'm having an anxiety attack

  • I once got a ticket because I was so caught up in singing “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston at the top of my lungs that I didn’t realize I was speeding.

Singing