A woman walked up to me, pointed at my tattoo and said, “that had to have hurt.” She went on to say, “I have one on my ass and that one definitely hurt.”
A woman complained that the restrooms smelled terrible and when they told her they’d take care of it she said, “so I can get my money back for the movie I just saw? I mean I’ll take you in there and you can smell it…you shouldn’t have to sit there and smell that while you’re trying to use the bathroom.” Then we went in there and there wasn’t a smell at all.
I don’t trust people who eat the shells of peanuts.
My waitress called us baby, sweetheart, or darling all night long…
I sincerely hope you all have that one friend who doesn’t have a mean bone in their body, and when they get angry it’s like watching a puppy bark for the first time.
A guy came up and said, “I need three for Tarzan..,” I knew he was trying to be funny, but I just never know how to respond when people pull that kind of shit with me.
I went to Chili’s a couple of days ago and I shit you not, my waiters were named Sage and Flannigan. What a pair.
A woman asked me, “after I get my tickets how do I get in? Do I push on the door?”
Here’s Episode 3 of There Is No Bathroom if you missed it. Also, here have another puppy gif…
Blast from the past story time: my sister called AT&T to bitch about something, and of course she had to put it on speakerphone. So my brother and I are sitting there with her and the lady tells her she’s gonna put her on hold. So as my sister’s waiting she says, “I can’t believe she’s getting attitude.” Lady on the other line, whom we thought had put us on hold, says, “who me?!” I wanted her to hang up immediately.
My sister and I were sitting in her car at sonic and this couple, who were eating at the tables outside, stared us down the entire time.
I totally judge people based on their windshield wiper speed. Like, why do you have then on the highest speed when it’s sprinkling and you’re sitting at a stoplight?
I saw a van pulling onto the highway from a dirt road that led down to the lake. I think it’s safe to assume they were dumping a body.
I don’t understand the people who are turning right and have a green light, that stop because I’m out in the intersection, yielding on a green to turn left. Do you honestly think I’m about to turn into you? I’m just trying to beat the light and you’re being an idiot; you stopping won’t prevent an accident, it’s gonna cause one.
I like when someone calls my work asking for directions. Mainly because with the amount of children I work with, the person who answers the phone either can’t drive or hasn’t been driving long enough.
I saw a girl, no more than 16, wearing shorts so short that I could literally see the bottom of her ass cheeks. Like, suntan line and all.
I saw a couple saying goodbye at the airport; as they went in for a kiss, a shuttle pulled up, honked, and they jumped apart.
Also, here’s episode 2 of this week’s podcast with my brother.
If I hear a rustling in bushes that are anywhere near me, you can bet your sweet ass that I’m gone.
A woman threatened to start a riot because her movie didn’t start on time, because that seems like an appropriate response to a minor issue…not dramatic at all.
Why are tampons so expensive? They should be free, because really women are doing everyone a favor by not bleeding all over the place. Yeah, I said it!
I hate when a hot dog bun breaks on the seam and it turns into just two skinny pieces of bread….like, I don’t want a hot dog sandwich. What is the shit?
I saw a guy walking around Walmart with only one shoe on. You know how you’ll see a shoe in the road every now and then and wonder to yourself, “how the hell does that happen?” That guy, that guy walking around Walmart with only one shoe, is how that happens.
I always get at least one person who asks me why I’ve given them more tickets than they wanted and I have to explain to them, as nicely as possible, that the other papers are receipts. All they have to do is take a second, use their eyes and realize “one of these things is not like the other.”
I immediately know when a trailer is for a horror movie because I don’t recognize any of the actors/actresses; thankfully, it’s a good indicator for my brain to tell me:
Blast from the past story time: my brother, my sister and I thought it would be fun to put those glow in the dark stars on our ceiling fan and turn it on. Turns out, not that great of an idea…one flew off and hit my sister in the face, leaving her a nice scar on the bridge of her nose.
My sister was on the phone with a customer service guy who asked her to spell her name for him, and she says, “K as in cat.” I mean she knows someone named Kat, but the guy on the other end was probably confused as hell.
Have you ever wondered about people who work in adult video stores? Not only do they probably work alone all the time, but they’re just surrounded by porn. Those two things have an outcome I’d rather not think about.
If I wasn’t already terrified of the ocean, watching a show about megalodon, a shark that’s over 60 feet long and supposedly took out a boat, definitely did it for me. Seriously, the documentary on megalodon freaked me the fuck out. I could’ve done without ever knowing about that fucker.
The cashier at Walmart decided to share with me how much she hates her job.
I hate telling someone their card is denied.
Life tip: if you’re buying something from someone (in a retail atmosphere) pay attention to the person helping you! It’s fucking annoying waiting for you to realize that I’m trying to hand you your shit and you’re dicking around with your friends.
Oh and I know you and your gaggle of giggling friends are all seeing the same movie, you don’t all need to tell me. Just give me your money and shut up.
We kicked a girl out for sneaking into a rated-R movie and she asked, “why is everyone so rude here?” You want to know why?
I had a child come up to me and ask me, what seemed like, 500 questions. “What’s your name?” “How long have you worked here?” “How old are you?” “When’s your birthday?” Jesus, is this the Spanish Inquisition?
My brother walked up to the house next door to mine under the impression that he was walking up to my house. What do you think he did? He tried turning the door knob, it was locked, so he covered the eye hole and rung the doorbell. Finally, my neighbor opened the door probably thinking someone was there to kill her.
A child walked by the windows at my work, carrying a blown up alien doll. We made eye contact, he slowed down and shook the alien at me.
A guy does an introduction before all the music that plays at my work, and right now he says, “here’s Tess Drunkenmiller, a gifted singer with a beautiful voice.” Dude’s a liar because that girl has a voice that makes nails on a chalkboard seem like a symphony.
There’s a sign I pass by every day that says, “stage 2 mandatory water conservation…” No less than 20 ft away there’s a busted sprinkler that shoots out a jet of water into the air whenever it’s on.
A guy asked me if we could plug in his phone at work, and when I told him we couldn’t because we’d be responsible if something happened to it he said, “oh fuck off.”
I was walking away from a guy after I gave him his drink and he said, “where’s your brother?” I was about to say, “uhh he could be anywhere, sir.” That was until I realized he was talking to his kid that I couldn’t see.
Blast from the past story time: So my brother and I were on different sides of the room, and I must have said something to offend him, because the next thing I know I have a drumstick flying at me. The first one was low enough that I could jump over it, but I was so focused on dodging the first one that I didn’t see the second one coming right at my face. After it hit me, I went outside to tell my mom, and her response was, “I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened.”
I found nail clippings on a chair in one of the theaters.
My siblings and I were getting breakfast, and my brother told my sister not to get sausage because he wouldn’t eat all his. Her response was, “that’s fine, I’ll eat your sausage.”