Random Thoughts of the Week: April 20th-26th

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  • I don’t like when people walk behind me on campus. I’m 5’1, which means I have a short stride, which means people walk faster than me. Them being directly behind me creeps me out; they need to pass me, slow down, or fall in a hole.

  • I passed a guy on campus riding a unicycle to class…I guess he’s too good for two wheels.

  • We watched a clip in class about false memories where this woman was raped by a black guy. She said the suspect was Ronald Cotton, but it turns out that after 11 years, DNA evidence proved that he was innocent. They wrote a book about the incident and titled it “Picking Cotton”…I mean really? Picking cotton? Why would a publisher let them title the book that?

  • I’m not sure why these moms for the soccer team I coach think that I want to hear their problems, but they tell me anyways. One of the moms I was talking to kept throwing in little jibes at her husband because they’re “separated” and she “doesn’t always get all of the information she needs.” I may be a psychology major, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear this mess. These ladies need to join a book club or something so they’ll have someone who’s older than 6 to talk to, and someone who isn’t me.

  • I think the most annoying thing to me is someone who eats like an animal…it’s not that hard to chew with your mouth closed. Does no one tell these people that it’s disgusting? If you have a friend that eats like a camel then do them, and everyone else, a favor and tell them to stop it.

  • There’s a guy in my class who pretty much just repeats everything that someone else has already said. Why are you raising your hand? Stop it, we get it; you agree with them, good for you. He doesn’t even just say that. He seriously rewords what they’ve already said.

  • I spent at least an hour watching this girl play with her hair instead of what my professor was saying. She was practically weaving a basket. I can’t decide if I was impressed or concerned by the amount of time she obviously spends doing this everyday. She was like Rapunzel, all cooped up and nothing to do but play with her hair.

  • I feel sorry for the men in my sexual behavior class; one of the videos we had to watch was showing clips from pornos. I’m sure a lot of them were a little uncomfortable, if you know what I mean…I feel like this was happening for a lot of them:

  • If I let you out in front of me and you don’t give me a courtesy wave or a nod then you’re an asshole. It’s not that hard to acknowledge, just do it! Just lift your hand, maybe just a finger, the chin, whatever you feel like, just lift it an inch.

  • It’s incredibly unfortunate that a person’s ears and nose never stop growing. I think Disney was preparing us for that little fact of life when he made Dumbo and Pinocchio. Well played, Walt.
  • At my soccer game on Saturday, the team I was coaching against had a kid diving. For those of you who don’t know soccer lingo, that means he fell to the ground and acted like he was hurt…but as the ball rolled past him he jumped up and took it to the other end and scored.

  • I don’t know if any of you watched El Clásico on Saturday, but the announcer ended the telecast with, “there’s going to be a lot of hoochie coochie for the Real Madrid players tonight.” What an awkward thing to say.

  • I don’t like people who don’t appreciate good music, and yes, I consider most of the music I listen to to be good music. What I mean is, people who don’t like the oldies, or don’t even know what the oldies are, shouldn’t even be allowed to listen to music.

  • It’s crazy how there are hardly ever black people at the movie theatre I work at, but when a Tyler perry movie or a movie with almost all black actors comes out they come out in groups? Where have they been this whole time?

  • Why are teenagers such idiots when it comes to needing an ID for something? “I don’t have it with me, but I’m obviously old enough.” Really? If you were old enough then you should be smart enough to have your ID with you.

  • I passed three girls and the only part of their conversation that I heard was “it’s really big, but then it shrinks back up.” I can only assume they were talking about some guy’s penis.

  • I had a stranger tell me that I didn’t look excited. This is my face, there isn’t anything I can do about that. Do I have to walk around with a creepy ass smile 24/7 for people to think I’m excited/happy? You’d be surprised how often I have to hear this from people, especially strangers.

  • Do you think people would think I was happy and excited if I walked around like this?
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Random Thoughts of the Week: April 13th-19th

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  • Who decided the middle finger was a good way to indicate “fuck you” without saying anything?

  • Since I don’t drink, any time I go to a bar with my friends, I go specifically to judge people on their life and clothing choices. You should all try it if you’re of age. Go to a bar, remain completely sober and look at everyone around you; it’s extremely amusing. You’ll probably see at least one person do this…

  • How many chips come in a fucking bag? I’m fairly certain the girl behind me was doing her best to make that tiny bag of chips last the entire 80minutes of class. Punch me in the face! If she wasn’t eating, she was talking to the guy next to her. I wish I had the courage to turn around and hit her in the face with a book.

  • I think if more people had the guts to say something to people who are being jackasses then we would have less jackasses in the world. Most of us just stand by and silently judge them, probably hoping that they choke. By not saying anything, they go on making people’s lives miserable and thinking that it’s all fine.

  • If you read my random thoughts every week then you will be familiar with the feminist I’ve mentioned in the past few weeks. Well she dropped this bit of knowledge on us last week, “the iPhone has a vibrator app.” The things that come out of her mouth alarm me. Why would you say that to a class of 150 students? Even if you read it on the internet somewhere, we’re all assuming that you’ve used it before…which is gross.

  • She also has this weird way of raising her had. She puts the back of her hand facing out towards the professor and then flips it around. I want to start playing the single ladies song whenever I see it.

  • I’m not too sure what was in the water this week, but the kids on the soccer team that I coach were spazzing out. Granted, they’re 5 and 6 and are normally pretty energetic, but this week was insane. It was like trying to get a pack of wild animals to play soccer. So when people ask me how it’s going…

  • It’s always a weird moment when you know someone knows something that you haven’t actually told anyone about, but they don’t know that you know that they know.

  • I can’t stand when people complain about something that they bring on themselves. If you would stop acting like an idiot then these things wouldn’t happen to you.

  • Have you seen the Liberty Mutual commercial, the one where it’s a pay it forward kind of thing? The tag line is “everyday millions of people choose to do the right thing,” and at the very end it shows a lady holding the door open for a blind woman. I feel like the tag line should be “everyday millions of people choose to not be assholes.”

The World We Live In

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Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about how egotistical we are as human beings. I think most, if not all, of us have at some point wondered “how will this affect me?” before we decide to do something for someone else. I think that most of that comes from how we were raised. It’s like when you were in school when there was that one person or group of people who ruin something for everyone else. For example, my senior year I had to go to Saturday school and it was around Christmas time so instead of doing pointless packet work we got to decorate the cafeteria…of course, the people in Saturday school are there for a reason and I should have known that it was too good to be true; so one of the kids was dicking around and ended up breaking an ornament and we had to go back to copying a packet word for word. That’s what’s happened to our society; there’s a small percentage of people who like to make people’s lives miserable and be assholes. That means that we start to question people’s motives; we don’t know if we should help someone because we don’t know if they’re being genuine.

I don’t want anyone who reads this to think that I’m sitting here not including myself in this critique; this seriously happens to me at least once a week. I’ll drive by someone who’s obviously having car trouble or needs some help, but I don’t ever stop. I’m either on my way to work or it’s nighttime and I have to question whether or not it’s in my best interest to stop. For instance, the other night I was driving home from class and a woman was walking alongside the road with a bag in her hand and as I passed she stuck her thumb out. A large part of me wanted to stop, but then everything I’ve ever been taught fought against it. Seriously, just take a minute and think about everything you’ve ever been told about situations like that. I don’t think I’ve ever once been told that I should stop; it’s always something along the lines of “they could murder, kidnap, or rape you.” So of course I drive on past her and tell myself that she could have had someone waiting with her so they could rob me or do something heinous. Of course, then you think later on how ridiculous that seems, but then what happens if you choose not to follow those warnings? What if that one time is the one time you shouldn’t have stopped? The same goes for donating money; is it legitimate or is this some scam I’m being tricked into? How about giving a homeless person spare change; what if they just take that money and spend it on drugs and alcohol?

I think it’s sad that this is what it’s all come down to, but it becomes necessary in the type of world we now live in. Why are there people in the world who have to be wholly evil and ruin our idea of what’s good and right in the world? They ruin that image for all of us. Now children are taught about stranger danger and how to protect themselves at such a young age. Is it unfortunate? Yes, but I can’t sit here and say that it isn’t necessary. It’s a sad, sad world we live in. I don’t think it will change in my lifetime, but one can only hope.

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 5th-12th

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  • Why are some professors such assholes? Really, you can’t post your notes online? I get that you want us to come to class, but we’re paying thousands of dollars to make that choice. What does it matter to you? Hell, I even go to one of my classes pretty much every time and I just don’t take notes because he says he puts the slides online…he forgot to tell us that they lacked pretty much all the information. What a dick!

  • You know the desks/chairs are too close in the classrooms when a person’s ass slides across your desk to get by; and I’m being literal when I say “ass.” This girl was wearing “shorts” that barely covered her ass when she slid it across my desk. It doesn’t matter how tiny of a person you are, it is impossible to get by without hitting someone or almost molesting someone.

  • On that same note, if your shorts are that short then why did you bother putting pants on?

  • If you raise your hand in class to speak, then you had better stop whispering and speak up. If the professor has to continually ask you to speak up then you might as well just keep your hand down.

  • In my sexual behavior class we were talking about a rape scenario and my professor used a metaphor about an intersection. When he took a poll of the class asking if we thought it was the woman’s fault a guy raised his hand saying yes. He played off of the intersection metaphor saying that they came to a red light and the guy just decided to run the red light and another girl blurted out, “yeah, that’s against the law.”

  • I had another lady ask if we knew each other. I’m fairly certain at this point that there is a doppelgänger running around within 15 miles of me. It’s a little creepy.

  • I saw a 5 year old drinking a monster…what is wrong with parents these days?

  • I cannot stand people who are incompetent and I’m fairly certain that 90% of the people I work with definitely are. Some, go above and beyond. I don’t have any patience for it, which sometimes gets me into a little bit of trouble. I just don’t understand why people can’t use common sense, it’s not that difficult.

  • People are fucking inconsiderate assholes!

  • What’s the deal with spray butter? Once there is a certain amount left in the bottle, you have to hold it at exactly the right angle to get any butter to come out. I usually end up spraying the wall because I have to hold the bottle completely vertical along with whatever it is that I’m spraying.

  • I was on campus walking behind this group of four girls and a guy when they stopped to smell some flowers or some shit. First of all they’re blocking the entire sidewalk, but then all of a sudden one of the girls pushed the other girl into the bush and she fell to the ground. Listen here, if someone, friend or not, pushed me into a bush in front of a bunch of people I would come up swinging.

  • I drove past two ladies, dressed in jeans and sequined tops, walking a dog. They might as well throw on some hooker heels and work the corner.

  • I don’t like when people take food into the restroom. That’s disgusting. Haven’t you heard how far germs from toilets travel? People at the movies do it all the time with their popcorn. So you want some butter and a little toilet water to top that off? Gross!

  • I don’t like women who “woohoo” all the time. It’s really unnecessary; we get that you’re excited. If you need that much attention throw yourself a birthday party. Now, do us a favor and go play in traffic.

  • In my spanish class we had to say a sentence out loud that expressed some kind of reciprocal action. The guy who sits next to me, who I  talk to all the time, had no clue what he was supposed to be doing. First he said, in spanish, that he wanted a drink; Then, our professor told him that that wouldn’t work. He then tried saying that he and I wanted a drink, which still doesn’t work. Eventually, our professor supplied him with the example, “Amanda y yo nos queremos,” which he agreed with. In english, that means that we want each other. This could not be further from the truth and he still had no idea what he was saying, while the rest of the class was just cracking up. I told my professor that I wanted no part of that.  I think it’s safe to say that that moment was lost in translation.

Random Thoughts of the Week: March 30th-April 4th

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Apparently my mind was working overtime with the witty comments and thoughts this week because I’ve got quite a few of them to share with you.

  • I have this super feminist chick in my class who goes bat-shit crazy any time we get on a remotely touchy subject (she was the one I mentioned last time, the one I told my friend I thought was a crazy bitch). She is in two of my classes, which are back to back, so I get a double dose of crazy every Tuesday and Thursday. Last week she flipped out on this guy because we were talking about self defense and concealed handguns, and this guy said that he has a handgun license and that, “sometimes you have to do what you have to do.” She just yelled at him, “Over skittles!” because that’s supposedly what Trayvon Martin was carrying when the neighborhood watch guy shot him. Also, the week before that, we were in my Sexual Behavior class and we were doing an exercise where people could ask the opposite gender a question they’ve always wanted to know the answer to and she asked the men why they can’t understand the term no. One guy said that some women just like to play hard to get so you keep working on them and eventually they’ll say yes. She went on a tangent about coercion and rape…and it was insane. She needs some sort of medication so level her out a little bit.
  • I had a feeling that the girl driving behind me was going to rear end me at some point and she got damn close. It’s like a super power, being able to read people and having a feeling about them. That, or I made an assumption off the sorority sticker on the back of her car when I passed her putting on her make up and fixing her hair. I’m completely surprised she didn’t crash with all that she was doing back there.

  • I feel like prettier people shop at Target and not Walmart…

  • Why is it that most of the attractive people smoke? You’re ruining the appeal; seriously, stop it right now.

  • I’m too judgmental to work in retail. I can hardly sell someone a movie ticket without thinking to myself, “really? You’re a 20 year old guy, why are you going to watch This Means War?”

  • The security guards where I work ride around on segways; I’m pretty sure that no one takes them seriously. Just the other day I pulled in and one was hopping his happy ass over a speed bump. He should be embarrassed. Later on I was taking the trash out and he rolled up and asked me if I needed any help. Oh, you’re going to get your ass off your little toy and help me? That doesn’t make you any more manly…you can’t recover from riding a Segway.

  • Law and Order was on when I woke up one morning, which isn’t surprising considering it’s on 24/7, and I realized that I don’t know how anyone could be a defense attorney. Sure, if you truly think they’re innocent it’s not hard, but what about when you know they’re guilty; how do they do it in good conscience? Especially when all of the evidence points to their guilt? I think I’d quit rather quickly.

  • I was talking to a parent from my soccer team and she asked if she needed to bring a ball and I told her, “extra balls is never a problem.” If I was talking to anyone else I would have laughed.

  • I also told a soccer mom that it was my first year coaching and she proceeded to ask me which child was mine…I’m sorry, what? How old does she think I am? This isn’t some sort of 16 and pregnant shit.

  • I usually keep my tv on for background noise or something to fall asleep to, but if I do that I have to keep it on a certain channel (ESPN). I do that because I don’t want to contribute to ratings for a shitty show. For instance, the other night I was watching a movie on TBS and fell asleep without changing the channel and I wake up to whatever new show that Tyler Perry has so “cleverly” added his name to. I cannot stand that guy and any kind of work he is involved with.

  • I can’t stand when a sports announcer says, “they’re really playing to win” or “wow, they’re in it to win it.”. No shit? Is this what they’re paying you for, captain obvious? I’ve never met someone who played a sport that was playing to lose.

  • I think I’ve taken a number of years off my life with the amount of times I wake up thinking it’s a different day than it actually is and that I’m running late. I woke up today thinking my alarm didn’t go off and that I was going to miss my test; with the amount of panic I experience, you would think someone is trying to kill me.