I hate, hate, when I’m grocery shopping with someone and the person who is paying (which is usually my mother) tells me to stay in line while they go grab something. No, where are you going? Don’t leave me here.
I guarantee everyone has at least one pair of socks that is no longer a pair. Where do they go? Because it’s not like I’m letting this asshole do my laundry.
A guy walked up to me and asked, “ma’am, do you work here?” What gives it away sir? My shirt with the company name on it or the fact that I’m sweeping? Nice guy, but stupid question.
A guy was buying his tickets out of the automated machine, and when his tickets didn’t drop down he flipped his shit. My manager told him that they sometimes just get stuck in the printer slot and his response was, “You know what would fix that? A shotgun.”
Do you ever just look around and think about how none of the things you see used to be there and how crazy that is? Or am I the only person fascinated by that kind of thing? The other day I was sitting at a red light and looking around at all the cars that had the new state license plates, which lead me to think about how many people buy new cars all the time. That made me think about how many cars are made yearly, which made me think about how there didn’t used to be cars at all. Just me? Alright.
Speaking of cars, I’m pretty sure mechanics just try and take advantage of the fact that women don’t know anything about cars. Unfortunately for them I’m too cheap to buy into their bullshit, both figuratively and literally.
As I was waiting for the guys to finish working on my car, I heard and ad for a mattress sale being extended to the end of May. My question: are mattresses ever not on sale?
I saw a guy wearing a hat that said, “fuck me it’s my birthday!” I’ve got a better idea
The number of times Leo said old sport in The Great Gatsby…
I have a problem of usually being too early to everything, so I have to just sit around waiting for the appropriate time to leave.
I don’t know if this has ever happened to any of you, but one time I was getting gas and some little shit of a kid pushed the emergency shut off switch. He fucking shut off all of the pumps!
A guy was parked next to me and his bass was so fucking intense you could hear all ofthe plastic of his car rattling.
I’m not really sure why people aren’t honest with their friends, like telling them “you look ridiculous in that.” Everybody says, “well I don’t want to hurt their feelings.” Listen, it’s better if you hurt their feelings instead of someone else doing it because they’re laughing at how stupid your friends look. Trust me, I do a lot of people-watching and a lot of laughing at what people are walking out of the house in…their friends need to say something.
There was construction on my drive to Arkansas and they closed the left lane so everyone was merging, and then there were those assholes who decided to just drive all the way up and then merge…like all of us in the back weren’t trying to get to the same place! Anyway, the semi behind me was tired of their shit so he started driving in the middle of the two lanes so no one else could pass. That’s what I’m talking about!
I passed a billboard advertising the people from the shows swamp people and gator boys being at some casino. I’m not real sure how anyone is going to know what they’re saying, they have to use subtitles on those shows. All those people are gonna be super confused.
I saw a girl filling an empty hawaiian punch jug full of gas, that’s certainly one way to do it.
A woman in the booth across from me at a restaurant ordered a “water on the rocks.”
I don’t care who you are, if you walk through a cobweb you’re going to look like an idiot trying to get that shit off.
What the fuck is up with the word arctic? Can we not with that extra C?
I don’t care if you’re running late, that’s no excuse to be an asshole. I didn’t make you late, you did that on your own so don’t take it out on other people.
When it’s called for, I can’t even be confrontational while driving. For instance, some jackass pulled out in front of me and I came really close to slamming into him, and I couldn’t even manage a honk. I just yell in my head and glare at them.
Have you guys seen the poptart commercial where the poptarts, that are talking/supposedly living things, are put into the toaster? So essentially it’s a commercial about killing poptarts by burning them alive!
I had to listen to 2 women cackling for like 5 minutes, and of course I couldn’t leave because I was helping a woman about 2 feet away from them. I felt like my ears were about to start bleeding if I had to listen to it any longer than I did.
A woman was complaining about waiting in the cold for Iron Man. She legit yelled, “I don’t even have a coat!” Ma’am you’re over 40 years old and you can’t make the decision to bring a coat with you after you’ve stepped outside and realized that it’s fucking cold? I’m not your mother nor is this the hunger games where we can control the weather. So take your fucking attitude and wait in the cold!
If you’ve ever thought about how much you hate having to hear terrible music because someone is listening to it with their windows down, just be glad you didn’t have my experience; this guy had speakers in the fucking grill of his car. Why?
I had to lift heavy shift for 5 hours straight at work, and when I physically exert myself I turn into a fucking tomato…seriously, my whole body turns bright red. I shit you not, every single person who saw me said, “wow, you’re red! Are you ok?” Yeah, no shit! I can see my arms and I’ve been present for my 22 years of life, so I know what’s happening; I don’t need you to point it out.
A lady told me she liked my name, and I thanked her, but I mean my mom named me; I didn’t really have a say in that decision. So, if you’re reading this mom, good choice on the name.
A woman dropped a handful of pennies on my counter and counted them out to partially pay her total saying, “I really want to get rid of these pennies.”
I saw a thing on Pinterest that said, “Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.” The only thing summer means for me is driving with my windows down and getting a sunburn on only my left arm.
I don’t like when people talk loudly in public, like could you not? I especially don’t like when the person talking loudly is with me. Please stop, you’re attracting attention to us.
A guy asked me if his wolf shirt was doing anything for me. It was literally just a t-shirt with a giant snarling wolf on the front.
We accidentally ended up at an 80’s rock cover band concert, and while they were really good, shit got a little weird in the middle of their set. The lead singer started putting blow pops in his waistband and then proceeded to have women say into the mic what they wanted him to do with the blow pop (which was obviously referencing a penis). Once they said whatever nastiness they wanted, he would put the blow pop in their mouths. If that’s what they were willing to do for a blow pop, I don’t even want to know what they’d do for a Klondike bar.
While a guy was dancing with one of the girls we were out with, he called his friend’s name and then pointed to one of our other friends, as if to say, “hey I got this one, you get that one.”
We walked by a guy on the street and he looked at me and said, “hey! You look like my friend!” I said, “cool, but I’m not” and kept on walking.
When I was younger I used to think that windshield wipers would wipe because it knew there was too much water on the windshield….
A kid walked up to me and a coworker and just looked back and forth between the two of us while sipping on his straw.
I got stuck behind a woman driving the way I would assume a 12 year old would drive, and of course I had to stay in that lane or else I’d miss my turn.
A couple asked me what Place Beyond the Pines was about and I said, “Ryan Gosling starts robbing banks..” and the guy cut me off saying, “don’t say Ryan Gosling just because she’s a woman.” Oh, alright. How about you tell him to stop starring in movies, that way I won’t have to tell you he’s one of the main fucking characters! Since that’s not a possibility, how about we go with option 1 and you
We had a dude go off on all of us at work one day. He was mad because my manager and supervisors were standing at the computer doing their job, but he thought they were just standing around doing nothing. He was yelling about how only me and another guy were doing any work. Sorry man, but there was literally only you and 4 other people in the lobby; one guy was with you and the 3 others were together, which means there were really only 2 people to help and the woman in front of you was already being helped! So what kind of work did you want everyone to do?
I really enjoy when I tell someone their total and they ask, “really? For this and this?” No, I charged you for a bunch of shit you didn’t ask for.