Random Thoughts of the Week: October 19th-25th

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  • When I went to the bank I was helped by someone who was in the process of being trained. They asked me who to make the cashiers check out to and I told them Freedom Title Company. The trainee asked the woman training her if it was one or two Ts in the middle of title. No, no I meant for you to make it out to Freedom Tittle Company. I’m actually going in on a business venture for a strip club. Let’s hope she’s better with money than she is with spelling.

  • We spent 30 minutes of my 50 minute class talking about our research paper and what sources we can use. It’s a 3000 level class, how do these people not know how to write a research paper or what a peer reviewed journal article is? It’s not that difficult, use your brains!

  • The woman next to me in class would answer every question under her breath because the teacher won’t call on her. You want to know why she won’t call on her? Because she raises her hand every time there’s a question asked!

  • A group of people were trying to recruit students to be campus tour guides. The only way I’d do it is if they were paying me to talk about how shitty the buildings and classrooms are. “You’d better hope you don’t have a class in there, it hasn’t been updated since it was first built back in 1890. This building? Well you’ll have to stick your ass in people’s faces just to get to your seat, good luck.”

  • My grandma sent me an email with the subject title Jackson’s Message to Black Christians. Last time I checked, I’m not black.

  • I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned how much I can’t stand people who don’t pick up their trash, but I’ve got a few more types of people to add to the inconsiderate-assholes-list: people who don’t put things back on their proper shelf in stores and people who don’t put their carts in the little cart area. Is it really too much trouble? Is it inconvenient for you? How do you think the people who have to deal with you feel?

  • We can dress up for Halloween this weekend at work, unfortunately we can’t wear masks so I’ll still have to see the faces of everyone I can’t stand.

  • My costume idea for work is to steal everyone’s name tags and go around taking turns acting like them for the night. Maybe they’ll all realize how annoying they are.

  • I know most of my coworkers read this…so I don’t dislike all of you, just most of you.

  • The guy I talked about last week who tried to add me on Facebook, the one named Brown, messaged me on Facebook “hey babe what’s up?” Uhh hey creep I don’t know you, nor do I want to. Clearly this is some kind of scam, because no one in their right mind named their kid Brown.

  • Though there were those two girls in my class named Bambi and Ursula…

Random Thoughts of the Week: October 12th-18th

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  • My mother called someone a dick face.

  • I was checking IDs when a woman told me she needed to use the bathroom but didn’t have her ticket. I told her it was fine. What wasn’t fine was when she came back and said, “ahh that’s better.”

  • A woman was wheeled into the theatre bleeding from her eye and ear. Although, one person I work with said she just didn’t have a top or bottom eye lid…which is worse. She also had patches of skin missing from her arms. I’m sure it’s a serious disorder, but I was freaked the fuck out. It looked gruesome, and the chick who was pushing her wheelchair just grabbed a handful of napkins and handed them to her. Something tells me that that isn’t going to help…

  • I sat at a red light for at least 5 minutes and once it finally turned green it lasted long enough for two cars to go through. If that light could talk it would have been saying:

  • I had someone named Brown Williams send me a friend request on Facebook. Pretty sure I don’t know, nor am I friends with, anyone named Brown.

  • How can anyone take a movie with Tyler Perry in it seriously?

  • I went to my mom’s friend’s engagement party to help out and it turned into a total shit show. With a bunch of wasted middle aged women together, there was a lot of this:

  • And a lot of this:

  • I have to stay at my grandma’s trailer mobile home in the  trailer mobile home park for two weeks, until I can move into my house. Turns out they have “security” there. I had to have a man drop a rope of flags so I could drive through, but only after he interrogated me on where I was headed. I don’t know the address of my grandmas’s trailer mobile home! Calm your tits, dude; if I wanted to rob somebody I wouldn’t be looking in the trailer mobile home park.

  • On Pinterest, yes I have a Pinterest, I had to unfollow everyone’s wedding, marriage, baby, future, one day, whatever-the-fuck-they’ve-named-it page. I don’t care about what kind of makeup you’ll have for your wedding or the color of your future kid’s nursery.

  • I love when I pull into a gas station to get gas, because I’m on empty, and every single pump says “sorry out of service.” That’s helpful.

  • A lady walked up with an empty bag of popcorn and said, “I just spilled it way up top. Somebody is gonna have big mess to clean up.” Giggle giggle.

  • I had an older man, probably early 50s, tell me that he liked the way I did my hair and that it’s cute.

  • I went to park in the Walmart parking lot and these two teenage girls were just standing in an empty parking space. That’s alright, don’t worry, I don’t need to park there or anything.

  • I passed by a building called Ogle School. Is that somewhere people can go to master the art of being creepy?

Random Thoughts of the Week: October 5th-11th

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  • One of my friends was having a conversation with her coworker when the coworker said, “If I have pink eye can you get it?” My friend said, “yeah” and the coworker comes back with, “just by looking at you?”

  • My friend then asks, “when has a disease ever been transmitted that way?” The coworker said, “it will be in the future.” I’ve been informed that this woman was being completely serious and is 27 years old.

  • A big thank you to the assholes who leave their dip cups behind for me to throw away.

  • Watching people take things apart and put them together is extremely amusing, especially when they get frustrated.

  • I got stuck behind a tractor on my way to school. I mean really? A tractor?

  • You know those people who have their conversations at a volume that is unnecessary because they really want attention? I had one of those sit next to me in class and she was talking/yelling about how she’s triple majoring and going to be done in 3 years.

  • The amount of squeaking that comes from the chairs in my classes is ridiculous. You can’t even scratch your head without a loud squeak.

  • We were talking about life after death in class, and at the end of the discussion some idiot yelled out, “YOLO!”

  • My professor was telling us not to capitalize gods when talking about the Roman gods saying, “What are you a bunch of pagans?” The girl who sat behind me whispered, “Yes, actually, I am.” I think she was offended.

  • My history professor told us about a religious disagreement way back in the day where two groups of people threw a dead baby at each other. Pretty much the whole class was trying to hold back laughter. I’m sure that seems terrible, that we were laughing, but just picture that. How ridiculous is that image?

  • I’m not a fan of people who are overly concerned about every little thing. If I say “ow” and look at my thumb I don’t need you to be all “oh my god! Are you ok?”

  • A kid was buying a bottled water and we told him it was only 50 cents more for a large. His friend says to him, “get the large, YOLO!” Yeah go crazy, get the large. You only live once…fucker!

  • Have you ever had one of those days where you aren’t very talkative? (Which for me is quite often) Then everybody thinks you’re in a bad mood, and there’s that one person who feels like it’s their life’s mission to “cheer you up.”

  • Someone getting kicked out of class is an extremely uncomfortable situation.

Random Thoughts of the Week: September 28th-October 4th

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  • What college professor started group projects? It’s fine in high school because kids have to show up to class, but in college there are about 1 in 5 people who are even remotely reliable. Then they play it off by saying, “group projects help you build people skills and teach you how to work on teams for later on in life.”

  • I saw a guy working out in cargo shorts.

  • I hate when I have a good thought for the blog while I’m in the shower and can’t remember it by the time I have a chance to write it down.

  • I don’t know if any of you watch Grey’s Anatomy, but that show will tear your heart out.

  • Getting a house is all well and good, until you realize how much shit you have to buy for it.

  • I like when I catch myself off guard by making a joke I didn’t intend to make.

  • Why do more people go out to do things when it rains compared to when it’s sunny? Stay inside and read a book instead of trying to avoid being locked in your house with your kids, ya assholes.

  • I saw a guy at the movies wearing bright yellow crocs. Not only are they crocs, but bright yellow?

  • A guy asked what the movie Won’t Back Down was about and a guy I work with said, “it’s about these two ladies who get together to reform the education system. It’s got Maggie Gyllenhaal and one of the black ladies from The Help.” One of the black ladies from the help, really? That’s incredibly unhelpful.

  • In class, we were getting in our groups for the first time and I asked one lady what group she was in. She replied, “not yours.” Oh really? I didn’t realize you knew me or what group I was in.

Children’s Rhymes Are Not For Children

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It was raining the other day, and when I looked outside I started singing It’s Raining, It’s Pouring. I started thinking about it and I realized that Children’s Rhymes are pretty twisted.

  • It’s Raining, It’s Pouring? That guy totally dies. Seriously, he bumped his head and couldn’t get up in the morning? Dead!
  • Humpty Dumpty? Yeah, he couldn’t be put back together again. Dead!
  • Little Miss Muffet. That spider that sat down beside her and “frightened her away”. Yeah, what they really mean is she had a heart attack. She’s dead.
  • Uhh Little Bo Peep? Her sheep were totally slaughtered! “They left their tails behind them…there she espied their tails side by side all hung on a tree to dry.” Dead sheep!
  • Ladybug Ladybug: “Ladybug ladybug fly away home, your house is on fire and your children are gone, all except one and that’s little Ann, for she crept under the frying pan.” What even?
  • Three Blind Mice? Well first off they’re blind and then the butcher’s wife goes and cuts of their tails with a butcher knife. They’ll live, but not happily.
  • Goosey Goosey Gander said something about taking and old man by his left leg and throwing him down some stairs. You know he’s dead!
  • Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater: Peter couldn’t keep his wife, so he put her in a pumpkin shell. Dead!
  • Rock a bye baby? The baby is in the cradle in the tree top, the bough breaks down will come baby, cradle and all. Dead baby.
  • Old Woman, the one who lived in a shoe? Fed her children “broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.” Abused children.