Random Thoughts of the Week: February 22nd-28th

A guy I work with, the same one last week who asked me to help him with his hangnail, was cleaning his ears with his key.

When we went to the bar, I was listening to a conversation that my friend was having with someone she went to high school with. The guy randomly starts talking about how he slept with a bunch of different women where he used to live and since he’s moved back he hasn’t slept with anyone. Does he wonder why?

I was told that, when I met a friend of my friend’s, that the first thing I said was, “I like your blouse” in a sarcastic tone. While I wouldn’t doubt that I would say something like that at some point, I feel like that’s a little harsh for a first introduction…even for me.

At work they’re playing a song by a band called My Pet Dragon. You know they’re using that as a euphemism.

There was a girl at the bar on Saturday who was shit faced within 30 minutes of being there.

What do you know, Tyler Perry has two movies coming out this year and both have “Tyler Perry presents” in front of the title.

When I got to work there were 3 cops cars in front of the building. Turns out that two of my coworkers apparently saw a guy with a gun on his hip. When my manager asked him about it, instead of saying he didn’t have one (which is what he was claiming), he told her to call the cops. So the cops show up, and the guy and his wife get all kinds of pissy. The words “this white girl” were thrown out by the wife at some point and she also claimed that she didn’t feel safe coming to our theatre anymore. Right, we thought you had a gun because you’re black and not because you had a holster on your hip and you don’t feel safe when the whole point was to make sure someone didn’t have a gun in our establishment. All you had to do was show us you didn’t have a gun and that would have been the end of it, but you wanted to turn it into a race isssue and asked us to call the cops. Fuck off!

One of my friends from high school is looking at 15 years in prison (he’s yet to be sentenced, but has plead guilty and been convicted) for armed robbery of a Radio Shack and kidnapping because they tied up the employees. 1) I’m surprised they could even find a Radio Shack to rob and 2) if you ever find yourself thinking “my life isn’t going the way I planned” just think, at least you’re not in prison.

A woman wanted two tickets to Die Hard and when I told her it was $16 she said, “is that senior?” I told her seniors and adults were the same price before 4:00 and she told me, “I’m not paying $8 for a senior ticket” then walked away. Uhh ma’am what kind of discount are you expecting? You’re over 60 congratulations! I’m sure you remember when it used to cost $1 to see a movie, but that’s the economy for you; it costs more to make movies so we have to charge more to see them.

Whenever someone asks me how old they look I try and get away from them without answering, because that’s a trap.

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 15th-21st

On Valentine’s Day, at work, my boss had me pass out Hershey’s Kisses and told me to ask, “would you like a kiss?” as I held out the bowl to them…I refused because that’s creepy as hell.

I was driving down the alley way behind my house to go to work and these three kids were walking in the middle of the street. Instead of moving to the side, so I could go, they just kept walking towards me. Fucking kids these days.

A woman came up to buy tickets and asked, “if my valentine doesn’t show can I get my money back?” She claimed that she was trying to get him to “cooperate, but that it’s hard.” Uhh lady, your “valentine” sounds like a real asshole. He can’t go see a movie with you, especially when said movie is Die Hard and not the new Nicholas Sparks movie? Dump his ass!

I was asked if I knew how to reverse rape someone. They overheard a conversation about it and were curious if I knew.

A guy bought tickets from the automated box office and the tickets didn’t drop down. He decided that it was all my fault so he came up and yelled, “your god damn machine didn’t print my tickets!” I told him that they usually just get stuck at the top. To this he replied, “well if you know what the problem is then you need to fix it!” I tell him that I’ll get them for him and I go out there, reach my hand up and grab his tickets/receipts…seriously it was that easy. In the meantime, while I’m grabbing them, he’s complaining to his companions that we need to have a sign saying it’s broken. It’s not fucking broken you asshole! Sorry that you decided to go to a machine instead of an actual person…that shit tends to malfunction every now and then. All that happened was the paper got stuck in the slot it drops down from. Jesus, you’d think the fucking world was ending!

I’m pretty sure I came into contact with every asshole in Highland Village on Sunday. I should have gone to school to become a proctologist (google it if you don’t know what it is…it’ll be a better joke if you do).

At work, they play an advertisement that’s trying to convince people to visit Florida, the state populated mostly by people over the age of 65, the worst drivers in the country, and the state where people were eating other people….thanks, but no thanks.

I love when people hand me their trash and say, “you can throw this away.” Oh, can I? You can too you fucking asshole!

I got an email saying that some random woman on Pinterest invited me to post on her Wedding board. That sounds like loads of fun.

My manager and I had to unclog the sinks in the women’s room and it’s not something I ever want to do again. It looked like an exorcism was taking place, but instead of green pea soup it was chunky black stuff that was spraying all over us and all over the walls/floor.

A guy I work with asked me if I had nails so that I could help him with his hangnail…

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 8th-14th (Ew Valentine’s Day)

So there’s a Geico commercial where it’s implied that a woman wants to have sex with the Geico pig. A few days later I saw one where a bridesmaid was flirting with the Geico gecko. Geico you need to stop.

I hate having multiple ideas, mainly for this blog, in a short span of time; I forget at least one of them. There are so many idiotic things happening around me that I can’t keep up. I’m going to have to start making voice memos because writing them down isn’t quick enough for me.

Every single person who came to the movies this week to see Identity Thief called it Identity Theft. Come on people it’s right there, you just have to read it. One lady called it The Witness, and I’m sure by the time it’s out of theaters I’ll have someone ask for “the movie with the lady from bridesmaids.”

I made an older woman, probably 70 years old, laugh and she told me I was funny. I’ve decided that it’s more of an accomplishment when the person is older. I’m not sure why, maybe because they’ve experienced a lot of funny things/people which would mean I’m up against some tough competition or because a lot of old people are just plain grumpy. Either way

Sometimes the exit doors at my work get stuck and an older woman, instead of trying the other two doors, turned around and asked me, “how do I get out?” I told her to try the other door and what do you know, it opened.

Things people do that annoy me, and it’s part of an extremely long list: taking their time when people are clearly waiting on them to move. Examples: 1) people who take their time gathering their shit or putting their money away 2) people who fiddle around in their car when someone’s waiting for them to pull out of the parking spot.

Come On

I don’t understand how a person can show up to the movies and not know what they’re seeing. They’re part of the group of people I was talking about above…fucking standing there for 5 minutes trying to decide on a movie, that they don’t even know the plot for, while everyone behind them has to wait for their dumb asses.

Getting the right ratio of oats to marshmallows when eating Lucky Charms, so that you have enough marshmallows at the end, is a science.

I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the estrogen filled madness that is to come at work, with yet another Nicholas Sparks movie coming out. We’ll have the teens/20 somethings seeing it in hopes that they find a love like that, and the 30 and 40 somethings watching and wondering why their husbands couldn’t look/act like that. Kill me now.

For those of you who are single and actually care about not having someone to buy you fucking flowers and chocolates, here have a pole dancing chicken and stop your crying.

Crab and Shrimp Bisque: Cooking With Alex #2

Okay so I found this recipe for crab bisque and I had some leftover baby shrimpies so I decided to jazz it up a bit and make it a dinner for one person. It’s really delicious and incredibly easy, so obviously it’s a new favorite.

WHAT YOU NEED:

13 teaspoons of tomato soup (Yes. Thirteen. I wanted to be precise and it worked out nicely. If you want to eyeball it feel free)
13 teaspoons of cream of mushroom soup
some milk (As much it takes to make the liquid more liquidy)
imitation crab (As much you want)
shrimp (Small. Deveined. I used frozen and it thawed and cooked while I was making the bisque but you can use fresh if you want)
parsley, oregano, basil, garlic powder (Plus whatever other seasonings you like)
onion (I just cut off a tiny bit and tore it up and threw it in there)
cheese (shredded)

WHAT TO DO:

put everything but the cheese in a pot or “saucepan”
make it hot
pour in a bowl
top with as much cheese as you want. indulge. treat yourself.

Boom. Seafood bisque for one.

Enjoy

-Alex

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 1st-7th

I’m not sure why I’m always surprised at some of the stupid things people say; you would think that after all of this time I would expect it, but it still catches me off guard. I hope my body language conveys this message:

Not To Talk At All About Anything

When I was in CVS I saw that the condoms and the pregnancy tests are right next to each other. The message there: If you don’t/didn’t use these, you’ll probably need one of these. Seriously kids use the condoms or else you end up with a less cool version of one of these.

Why are the security things for websites, the ones where you have to type the words you see, so fucking difficult to read? I have perfect vision and I still have trouble reading them. I’m not trying to get into some super secret government website, slow your roll.

Could you imagine being one of the people who have to clean up all of that fucking confetti after the Super Bowl/any kind of championship game?

If anyone ever tries to tell me there has been a better halftime show than beyoncé’s…”BEYONCÉ HAD THE BEST HALFTIME SHOW OF ALL TIME!”

Can we talk about that GoDaddy Superbowl commercial? Completely unnecessary. I don’t even know what the hell GoDaddy is supposed to be, all I know now is that I don’t want any part of it!

If I’m on hold for more than 5 minutes then you’d better be giving me some good music to listen to, not the same instrumental song over and over again. I’m looking at you TXU! Also, when I talk to an actual person I don’t want to hear them say, “I’m gonna put you on a several minute hold…”