Random Thoughts of the Week: July 19th-25th

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  • There’s a woman who calls me Twilight every time she comes into the theatre. All because I did the twilight trivia for the marathon she was at last year. I never know how to respond.

Just Me

  • I was at a restaurant with my female cousin, aunt and brother (who was sitting between me and my aunt.) So the waiter is taking our order and he starts on the left with my cousin, then my aunt, and then he skips over my brother and asks me what I want. I was like, “what about him?” Apparently, he was doing “ladies first,” so he says to me, “what are you, one of those feminists?” 1) Yeah I am, and everyone should be. 2) I was just trying to follow the pattern of left to right.

Kindly Fuck Off

  • I bought deodorant last week, and I thought I was buying the kind I usually use….apparently not, because it smells fucking terrible. It’s as distracting of a smell as BO is, I just happened to pay for this particular scent.

Kill Me

  • At work I noticed, what I thought was grass, growing from one of our drains. Turns out it was a few corn kernels that grew roots. Seems sanitary.

Turtle Face

  • A couple asked me if I was focused, and I must have looked confused by the question because they clarified with, “you’re either focused or extremely unhappy.” Or…how about this is just my motherfucking face! After I told them that I just don’t smile much, and that I’m not unhappy the guy said, “well give me one then.”

Not Lightin It Up With My Smile

  • We were passing out fake dinosaur tattoos at work, so of course I put a T-Rex on my arm. A woman then said to me, in a completely genuine voice, “cool tat!” I told her it was fake and she was surprised. Really ma’am?

Really? Come on.

  • There’s a business called Praises The Lord Beauty Salon down the street from my house.

Glory To God, Amen!

  • I was at a restaurant with two of my friends, and when the waiter walked up the first thing my friend said to him was, “hey, you look familiar!” He responded, in a rude fucking tone, with, “I’m not.” You wanna take a guess at what else he wasn’t…if you guessed, “your server for the night” then you’d be right.

Toodaloo Motherfucker

  • That incident was the one and only time I’ve complained about service, and I actually still feel a little bad about it. I don’t want the manager, who actually served us for the rest of the night and gave us free dessert, to think we complained just to get free stuff. I should have told her as we were leaving

I'm a Fucking Good Person

  • I hate working across the street from a fountain! I get uncomfortable watching all the children sitting on the jets of water…Seriously kids, please stop.

Scared Head Shake

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Random Thoughts of the Week: July 12th-18th

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  • A girl, no more than 10 years old , put her bloody tooth on the counter at my work and said, “I need a bag for this.” Listen little girl, I am not the tooth fairy and I don’t want anything to do with your nasty tooth!

You did not just ask that!

  • We told a guy he couldn’t bring in his coffee and he dumped it on the floor as he walked outside.

Oh, what the fuck?

  • So security at the Texas capitol was confiscating tampons during the session over the abortion bill…but guns were allowed. Makes perfect sense to me.

Right...

  • I was waiting for my movie to start and a little girl, probably 8, said, “I need my phone, because I can’t stare at this (blank screen) for 40 minutes.” Fucking kids these days…

Enough...Enough...Enough

  • We ordered pizza at work and I got to thinking about Canadian bacon. Do they just call it bacon in Canada or…?

Shifting Eyes

  • I’m sure I’ve mentioned that we have our favorite movie listed on our name tags at work, right? Well one of the guys I work with tweeted about how someone told him he wasn’t old enough to know what that movie was, in reference to his favorite movie. I thought to myself, “jeez what a stupid thing to say.” Of course, one week later, the same thing happens to me. I recently changed my favorite movie to The Breakfast Club, so no one would ever again ask me if my name was Blood Diamond, and some guy told me that I’m too young to know about that movie. Dude, it came out in the 80s, it plays on TV all the time, oh and there’s this thing called a DVD, which means I can watch it any time I want! Isn’t that crazy? Who knew someone could watch a movie that was made over 2 decades ago?!

Shocking...

  • I had a job interview at a police station and as I was waiting, a woman was talking to an officer in a conference room that had the door open. At first, I didn’t really think anything of it and then he started yelling at her and all I could think was, “this is probably the most relaxing setting to be in.”

Nope!

  • You know those rolls of gum that come in the plastic container? Well I shit you not, my sister eats that shit like it’s any other food. She just chews it up a little bit and then swallows it and proceeds until she eats the whole roll within 5 minutes.

What...What is Happening?

  • There was a guy at Walmart that had music playing from his phone, sitting in his shirt pocket, while he was deciding on which hair growth product he wanted to buy.

You Look Ridiculous

Random Thoughts of the Week: July 5th-11th

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  • I saw a clip of the people “eating” in the 4th of July hot dog eating contest and I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn’t even watch it, so I certainly don’t know how anyone could actually do it.

Disgusted

  • At work a grown ass man, probably 6’7, 300 pounds and in his early 50s flipped the fuck out on this kid and her parents. Apparently, from what this guy was yelling at the top of his lungs, the kid (who was no more than 5 years old) stepped on this giant’s toe. The kid’s parents accused the giant of pushing their kid, so the wife got all up in this guy’s face about it. He just kept yelling at this couple, because he felt that the little girl stepped on his toe on purpose. When my manager asked what the problem was he responded with, ” call the police!” He’s so upset about this child, who probably weighs all of 20 pounds, stepping on his toe and everyone is just staring at him.

Not Interested in Your Crying

  • A girl I work with got hit on by some random guy, and an hour later he had tried to friend her on Facebook. She doesn’t know this guy in any way and instead of watching his movie he spent his time finding her on Facebook.

Do The Creep

  • I wonder how many years it’s going to take me to remember to check for water on top of dishes before I take them out of the dishwasher. I’m about to be 23 and I still haven’t figured it out. Hopefully,

I'll Figure It Out Later

  • I wonder how dogs feel when they see the ASPCA commercials. Do they feel the same way “most” people feel when they see the kids-in-Africa commercials? I know what you’re thinking,

That is an Excellent Question

  • How about that Jack in the Box commercial that uses the concept of sexting to promote their new burger? If you haven’t seen it, I’ll give you the run down. Friend 1 & 2 are chilling on a bed and have this conversation…Friend 1: he says it’s big. Friend 2: how big? Friend 1: Really big! Friend 2: Tell him to send a pic! Friend 1: No!…ok. Friend 1: *shows Friend 2 a picture of the burger*

I Don't Get It

  • Last week in Brazil at an amateur soccer match, a ref was tied up, beaten, beheaded and quartered (cut into four pieces). Apparently, one of the players was arguing a call with him and threw a punch at the ref, to which he whipped out a knife and stabbed the player. Then, the player’s family rushed the field and proceeded to do all of the previously mentioned actions. When they beheaded him they placed his head on a stake in the middle of the field. I don’t even know what I would do in that situation, like if I saw it happening. I’m pretty sure I’d just stand there in shock.

Help. Police.

  • A girl I work with accepted a peso as a form of payment.

Everyone I work with is an idiot...And by sometimes, I mean all timesAll the timeEvery of the time

  • I don’t like how, on Facebook, when you get a friend request the option is “not now.” I want a “not ever” option.

Can I Get an Amen Up In This Bitch?

  • One of my coworkers told me she’s afraid of ending up in this blog, and most people tell me they feel that way. I’m hoping that means everyone who reads this blog will slowly, but surely stop saying/doing stupid shit. I’m more realistic than that though…

It's Not Gonna Happen

  • Apparently some guy whipped his penis out in Despicable Me 2, before the movie started, and a kid saw it…but he didn’t tell his parents until after the movie and the pervert had already left.

You Sick Bastard!

Random Thoughts of the Week: June 28th-July 4th

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  • There were 3 obviously healthy, teenage girls riding around Walmart in the electric scooters/wheel chairs they have. What if someone actually needed those, you little assholes?!

Youths!

  • There’s a special place in hell for people who have those fucking metal testicles hanging from their bumper. Maybe you should try growing a pair of your own and stop being such a douche bag!

Douchebag Jar

  • I enjoy when sprinklers are aimed toward the street and my windows are down.

Sarcasm

  • Narcissistic: having an inflated idea of one’s own importance. Life lesson kids, don’t ever act, in any way, that would give someone reason to use that word to describe you. If you’ve never once given thought to what someone else might want/need/enjoy then you need to reevaluate your life, and don’t even get offended when someone calls you on it and don’t act like you don’t think the world revolves around you.

Sit in the Corner

  • Any time I’m on the highway I see signs giving information about a missing elderly person. I’m thinking they maybe just no longer want to be stuck in the retirement homes their kids are putting them in, because they’re miserable. I bet they see the signs while they’re driving and hope that no one catches them.

Nos

  • My coworker asked a guy what size water bottles he wanted and he said, “3.” She asked, “do you want small or large?” and he replied, “3!” Sir, I’ve got a suggestion for: before you get attitude, how about you

Listen!

  • To me, dumb bitch is probably the most insulting thing you could call somebody, besides the obvious racist/sexist/homophobic slurs. I have a supervisor who always tries to jokingly call people that…but I’m pretty sure that could never be said with a joking tone.

Bon Qui Qui Rude

  • You know, I thought I should be worried about pain when I had my wisdom teeth removed, but what I should have been worried about was having the nurse from hell! So I’m getting my laughing gas and picking out my music while they’re setting up the IV in my right hand. Next thing I know, I’m waking up and the IV is in my left hand and it looks like I’ve got the hands of the fucking Michelin man! The tops of both of my hands are swollen to a point that it looks like I’ve got half a baseball in each of them. So I look expectantly at the nurse, trying to convey via ESP (because my mouth is full of gauze) “what the fuck happened to my hands, woman?!” As if she heard me she said, “Oh, looks like some anesthesia got stuck in the veins…let’s fix that.” I’m not sure what I thought her idea of fixing would be, but it certainly wasn’t anywhere close to what she did. She lifts up both of her hands and smashes them down onto the tops of mine! My eyes teared up immediately, because not only did my hands hurt but I had the burn of anesthesia going through both my arms. They took me out to my mom’s car, where she was waiting for me, and when she notices my eyes watering she asked me what was wrong. Unfortunately for me, I was trying to tell her the story with a mouth full of gauze, and she didn’t understand any of it. Honestly, that was the worst part of the entire process. Moral of the story, look into your nurses eyes and make sure you can’t see the eternal flames of hell burning in them.

Thanks, Satan