- When I was in high school, we had a substitute that called herself “the slave driver.” Only now do I realize how, kind of, fucked up that is.
- I saw a convertible PT Cruiser and I had to wonder why it was even a thing. Like, it’s still a PT Cruiser, it being a convertible does not make it any cooler to drive.
- Have you ever watched a dog dig around in blankets trying to get comfortable and thought, “wow I totally know the struggle…and am I seriously relating to a dog right now?”
- A woman wanted fresh popcorn, the stuff that had just started popping. So, I handed it to her and she said,”I smell something burning; I hope this isn’t burnt.” Could you be any more of a bitch?
- My friend just got engaged and she was talking about doing their bachelor/bachelorette parties in New Orleans. She asked me if I’d drink for the bachelorette party and I had to remind her that someone would need to be sober to get their drunk asses around the city safely.
- We hired a new kid at work and as he was selling people tickets he would ask them if they come here often. He then stuck is hand under the little window and said, “I’m so-and-so and I’m new here.” For some reason he’s just really excited and everyone else can’t stand him for it.
- A woman bought tickets for the Metallica concert/movie in IMAX and then asked if we had earplugs. Riiight good luck with that.
- A husband and wife got up to board their flight and after about 10 steps the woman says, “honey will you grab my water? I left it back there.” You seriously can’t grab it yourself? She didn’t even continue walking when he went back to get it, she just waited there for him.