Random Thoughts of the Week: April 4th-10th

  • I heard a grown ass woman refer to God as “Daddy.” She literally said, “It’ll be fine, I’ve got Daddy on my side.” It was weird.


  • I have to deal with a couple of prostitutes at work, and they literally smell like fish. You know, people always joke about vagina smelling like fish, but these ladies’ vagina’s actually do smell like straight up fish.


  •  Anyone who drives 10 under on the highway should not be driving on the highway. Honestly, the access roads usually have a speed limit of 50 so stay on those.

I Mean Seriously

  • You want to know what creates trust issues? People putting on their blinker as they approach where you’re going to pull out of, and then not turning. Bitch, I could’ve pulled out in front of you, assuming you were turning (because your freaking blinker is indicating that that’s what you’re doing), and then you’d hit me.


  • You can always count on mothers to like every single thing you post on social media. Without fail, no matter what you post, your mother will like or comment on it. I could post a picture of a blank white wall and my mom’s probably gonna try and be supportive by saying, “You’re so artistic.” It’d be a nice try.

I'm Not

  • Who was the person who decided to do the whole loop thing with laces? Why not just tie them in regular knots and be done with it?

I don't know *shrug*

  • I was driving behind a person who had a stuffed animal hung from their bumper.


  •  I heard a woman say, “I’m not a racist, but I could kill a Mexican.” Uhh no, I’m pretty sure you’re a racist.

You did not just ask that!


Random Thoughts of the Week: March 28th-April 3rd

  • I can’t believe people willingly drive behind semis that are loaded down with lots of heavy shit that could fall off and kill them.  Hasn’t anyone seen Final Destination?

Final destination death

  • Two dudes pulled up to a drive-thru window and decided to spend way too long digging under their seats for change. They literally paid with a single dollar bill and two handfuls of coins.

Goooo fuck yourself

  • Do you think it’s weird that we can whistle different tones? Like, we’re literally just blowing air through our mouths, but with the slightest change we can make the air sound completely different? No, you’ve never thought about it? So…just me then?

Just Me

  •  There’s no way that advertising a business by putting a dancing person on the side of the road with a sign brings in enough business for them to even cover the cost of paying those fools.


  • A dude drove down the highway for more than 20 minutes with his caution lights on. What is the point? Either get off at one of the 50 exits you passed, or turn off your caution lights! Your car is clearly not breaking down any time soon, ya dickhead! Other people’s lack of basic driving skills is going to drive me insane (no pun intended).

Lose my shit

  • I was driving home from work and saw an elderly couple going into Whataburger at 11:30 at night. There must have been a rave going on at the senior center; that, or bingo got a little out of hand.

Old people dancing

  • My sister forgot to leave her money for the rent/bills on the kitchen table, and told me that she wouldn’t have time to come by the house at any time this week. Her reasoning was that even though she’s works 10 minutes away from our house, it would take 45 minutes with the traffic. So, she decided that the solution would be for me to meet her near her work, which meant I had the joy of sitting in all the traffic.


  • “Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof…” Those are lyrics from Happy by Pharrell, and I don’t know what that means. I’m gonna need a very detailed description for why I have no roof, and what exactly the weather conditions are. Though I’m sure, no matter what the explanation is, “happy” would not be the emotion I feel when I “feel like a room without a roof.”

Confused clapping


Random Thoughts of the Week: March 21st-27th

  • I had two charlie horses, not even a minute apart, in the same calf! I seriously considered just chopping it off.

Everything hurts and I'm dying

  • Let me tell you something, it doesn’t matter how many times I watch the movie Step Mom, I bawl my eyes out every.single.time.


  • When I see two cars parked next to each other, in an empty parking lot, late at night, with one or both cars running, I definitely assume something suspicious is happening.

I'm onto you


  • On that note, I saw three minivans parked next to each other, in an empty parking lot, all running, and the only logical explanation for that one would be a traveling soccer mom convention. Not so suspicious.


  • Some guy, that I had two classes with in college two years ago, randomly texted me, “God’s not dead!”

Uhh...not quite

  • I saw a car with a bumper sticker that said, “don’t worry, your daughter’s in good hands.” So he already seems like a douche bag, but he also had a thing around his license plate that said, “I love hooters!” Ladies, this one seems like a real catch!

Thumbs Down


  • I saw an ambulance responding to an emergency at a sex shop. Seems like someone got a little too excited.

Evil smile

  • I can’t even explain to you how frustrating my job can be. It’s babysitting, but instead of children, they’re “alleged” criminals who could potentially harm me at any moment.

Lopsided shrug


  • I saw a sticker on a bridge that said, “foreskin is not a birth defect!”

Alrighty Then

  • Apparently, a friend of the pilot of the missing plane is telling people that the pilot was “having a rough time,” and implied that he was taking “one last joyride.” Uhh you would think he wouldn’t take 200 other people with him, because he was depressed about his love life. He even said that the pilot was plotting it out on his flight simulator. As if the guy needed a flight plan for where to crash; I’m pretty sure he could crash into a massive ocean without having an x on a map.

You're Not Just Wrong You're Stupid

Random Thoughts of the Week: March 14th-20th


•There’s an allergy medication ad that says, “it’s bad when people can recognize you by your sneeze…” *a woman sneezes* and a kid says, “mom’s home.” Obviously it’s your mom, who-the-fuck-else is it going to be? A murderer certainly isn’t just gonna walk in your front door, middle of the day, sneezing.

Really? Come on.•So the Backstreet Boys announced that they are going on tour with Avril Lavigne this year. Someone told them it’s 2014, right?

It's important to me that you know that

•How are kernel and colonel pronounced the exact same way? Where is the logic?!

I Don't Get It•Have I mentioned how much I can’t stand people who get into the 20 items or less line with a number of items that is clearly more than 20?

Fuck You, You Fucking Fucker•The security guard at Walmart almost backed into me with his car. I literally had to put my hand on his car and push myself back and around to keep him from hitting me.

I'm walking here!

•There was an ad on TV for a senior living referral company called A Place for Mom… So if you’re trying to take care of your old and dying dad you’re shit out of luck!

JLaw grumpy cat face

•On the science channel, there was a show called How Small is the Universe?, which was followed immediately by a show called How Big is the Universe? Which is it, is it small or is it large?

Huh•You know how there are slang terms for all the weird sexual acts? I can’t decide which is worse, the person coming up with the terms or the person who was obviously the first to try them.


Random Thoughts of the Week: March 7th-13th


•Why are there children in front of my house screaming on a weekday? Those little brats should be in school.

I Hate Kids•There’s a Trojan commercial where a son puts a condom in his dad’s jacket pocket and tells him to have a good time…gross!

What...What is Happening?•Some woman let her kid run around my front yard screaming his head off for ten minutes. Lady, you’d better shut that kid up.

Seriously?!•My friend’s cousin, who can’t be more than 14 said, “this watermelon is pretty good for not being in season.” Girl talks as if she’s a 50 year old woman.

Just Weird•My sister wears so much perfume that as soon as she opens her bedroom door to leave, the entire house smells like whatever she’s wearing that day.

Choking•I like when a commercial about a prescription drug ends with “why wait?” Why wait? Hmm let’s see, maybe because you just listed about 20 different side effects, one being an increased risk of cancer.


•Someone asked me, “who drives the minivan?”Listen, my car is totally a “mom car,” but it is certainly not a minivan!

Mad Panda 2

•I was waiting at a stop light and saw a guy to my right open his car door and spit out a loogie.

Nope •I told my sister Friday night that our TV was broken, what we needed to fix it and how much it’d cost. She texted me Monday night asking if our TV was broken…

Eye Roll and Sigh

•Why is a weirdly spelled word.

Disney Shrug

Random Thoughts of the Week: February 28th-March 6th

  • I’ve decided that I’m going to write a book with all the stories I have from my time at my new job; it’s going to be titled Jail Tales. I already have so many stories I want to share, but I also don’t want to get fired.

I don't know

  • I was driving through a parking lot with my windows down and heard a woman yelling from 20 feet away…the kicker? She was sitting in her truck with her widows rolled up.

You Need to Cool It

•Why is it that companies use that plastic packaging that is impossible to get into? Seriously, scissors can barely even cut that shit open and even if it does then you end up cutting your hand when you’re trying to pry it apart. No product is even worth that kind of struggle.

I Give Up•Someone rang my doorbell, which I learned early on not to answer because those little assholes are always just trying to sell something. This time however, it was apparently a couple of realtors, and when I didn’t answer they decided that my “not being home” gave them free reign to go into my backyard and wander about.

Get Out•My brother pulled one of his nose hairs out and was jokingly trying to put it on me when I said, “eww it’s long!” My mom said, “oh I thought you were talking about something else.”

What? No No No•I had to actively avoid driving near a drunk driver going 80 and swerving all over the road. Come on, people! You’re not just gonna get yourself killed with that idiotic decision.

Amy Poehler Really?•There is an ad for some random bar that plays on the radio with the tagline, “we put the f-u in fun.” What does that even mean? We put the fuck you in fun? Is that what they’re saying?

That Is Stupid

•I saw an article the other day about a snake eating an entire crocodile whole.


Random Thoughts of the Week: February 21st-27th


•We have one of those little clock displays that say “we’re closed until…” and it was sitting in the window even though we were obviously open. So of course multiple jackasses feel the need to say, “oh it says you’re still closed hahaha.” I didn’t realize I needed to explain.

Let Me Spell It Out For You Go To Hell•I got my friend a present from Bed Bath & Beyond and of course my cheap ass totally took advantage of their free gift wrapping station. That was where I found out that I am self conscious about my wrapping ability, because I know the woman at the station next to me was totally judging me.

Don't judge me, okay.•I was walking through Walmart and apparently someone thought it was a brilliant idea to display shot glasses next to the juice. Is it so all the 16 and pregnant moms can make their kids feel included when they’re doing shots by having them do shots of juice with them?
•My friend looked at me and said, “your hair actually looks good.” Actually? Actually? What the hell does that mean?

What No Stop•I hate the phrase “hit the head.” What the fuck does that even mean? Are you gonna go hit the head of your penis against something for a couple minutes? I don’t get it and it’s stupid.

Huh•Any time I see that someone has their gas cap open at a stop light I want to get out and close it for them. Then I realize that I live in gun-loving-Texas and if I walked up on someone’s car they would probably end up killing me. I think I’ll pass.

Nah Ah Ah

  • I can’t even begin to explain the amount of information that was forced into my brain during the orientation for my new job.


  • I told my sister that my grandma has the hard copies all of the Nicolas Sparks’ books and she said, “what’s a hard copy?”

Tell me you're not serious

  • My mom was telling a story and said, “…where was he at?” Uhh Mom, you’re the one telling the story.

Lucy Confused


  • Hopefully I can share some good stories from my new job…keep your fingers crossed.

I Hope