- Sometimes I really don’t like being responsible. I want to buy a new car and I want to adopt a dog, and then I realize that those two things cost money for a long period of time that I’m not willing or able to commit to. So I have to make the smart choice and tell myself no.
- There is a food company out there that named one of its sausages Lil’ Chub…For those of you who don’t know, Chub, as defined by Urban Dictionary, “is a semi erect penis, yet still malleable.” Really? A sausage named after a slang term for a penis?
- I had to strip search a 75 year old woman, and I can tell you that it’s something I hope I never have to do again.
- That moment when the person you park next to parks like a jackass, and then makes you have to also park like a jackass just to fit. Then of course, they’ll leave before you and end up making the person after them think that you are actually the jackass who doesn’t know how to park. I always want to be able to explain the situation so that person doesn’t think it’s actually my fault. Like, “I promise, it was the asshole who I had to park next to!”
- I had an inmate tell me that she thought she had lice, and then my head proceeded to itch for the rest of the night. Needless to say, I was a little paranoid.
- I walked by one of the male inmates, who uses a wheelchair, and he asked me if I wanted a “ride.”
- I was working a male cell and there were at least 10 guys seriously invested in the new I Wanna Marry Harry show. They’re really rooting for the girl from Dallas. I never thought I’d see a group of grown ass men giving that much attention to a reality show.
- I was texting my friend about getting breakfast at one of her favorite places, Cups and Crepes, but my phone autocorrected it to Cups and Creeps. I can’t even imagine what a place like that would be. You get a cup of coffee and your very own stalker?
- For all you regular readers out there, you should start preparing yourselves, because I think I’m gonna lay this blog to rest in the very near future.