- Is anyone else worried about Guy Fieri? Any time he’s on TV he’s yelling. Dude, there’s a microphone picking up everything you’re saying…you don’t need to yell.
- Isn’t manure a weird thing? Somebody just thought, “Let’s add some straw to that shit and call that shit manure! What do you guys think?”
- A lot of the inmates have started asking me if I workout, probably because I have the shoulders of a linebacker. I literally opened the door to one of the areas where about 40 male inmates are housed and all I heard was, “Damn, she works out,” and “Yeah man, she’s swole!”
- I found out the other day that if I go to Whataburger in my uniform I only pay half price. Good looking out, Whataburger.
- I saw a guy on a riding lawn mower sitting at a red light, and then proceed to cruise down the road when it turned green.
- If you don’t know anything about fire ants, let me tell you the story about how I found out how terrible they are. I grew up in Arkansas, where I didn’t even know what in the hell a fire ant was, but it didn’t take long for me to figure out that those little fuckers sting! We were at my uncle’s house, climbing trees for some reason, and we were using a chair to get a head start. As I’m standing on the chair, my hilarious uncle decides that it’d be a good idea to shake the chair. I fall off the chair and land directly in a fire ant pile. I can’t even explain the feeling of having 100 ants sting you all at once, or the sheer panic of trying to get them off of you. My entire body was covered in bites, which wasn’t the best welcome Texas could’ve given me, but I certainly learned quickly. The morale of the story? Watch where you’re walking in the South, and don’t let your uncle dump you into a fire ant pile…it’ll scar you for life.
- I had an inmate say to me, “You have full lips for a white girl.”