- Everyone I work with has been giving me shit for the way I say shampoo. Apparently, I put more emphasis on the poo than a normal person, and I spent about 5 hours trying to say it differently…it’s impossible. Now I’ll never be able to say that word without thinking about how I say it, which means I can add it to the list that also includes the word crayon.
- Things that crawl are unpredictable and it frightens me a little bit. I mean you would expect that once you start walking toward them that they would head the other direction, but sometimes those little fuckers head straight for you! I’ve literally shaken my keys at a lizard, a very large lizard, to get him off the stairs that I needed to use. You’re probably thinking that that’s a little overdramatic, which is what my brother thought when I told him that story. However, he understood my reaction when he had the same exact run in with that same exact baby Godzilla.
- Do you remember me telling you guys about the woman who refers to Jesus as daddy? Well, last week she said to someone, “We’re you talking about my daddy? Because my daddy is sexy.” When I looked at her as if she’d lost her fucking mind, she said, “What? There’s nothing wrong with getting a little intimate with Jesus.” I told her that that’s debatable and she said, “We’re all Jesus freaks, some more so than others.”
- I almost ran over another person this past week. There was a dude walking across the street at 11:30 on a Friday night, and this motherfucker wasn’t even at an intersection! He’s just walking across the road while it’s pitch black out, and can only be seen by headlights on a car as they’re slamming on their brakes. These idiots obviously struggle with all aspects of life, so if I ever see them when I’m not about to run them over I’ll be sure to make it clear.
- I’m not sure why people think I look like a person who wants to see pictures of their children, but they always show them to me and I never have an appropriate reaction. They’re just so excited to show me the pictures, and I always just kind of nod my head.
- I saw a cat just chillin’ in a parked minivan and my first thought, I shit you not, was, “Do those people know that a stray cat got into their car?” Who is taking their cat for a car ride?
- I had an inmate ask me if I was married and my only response was, “Why do you want to know?” It’s as if they thought that whatever the answer was going to be was going to determine whether or not they’ve got a shot with me.