- A dude wanted a ticket to Elysium and asked for a ticket to asylum…not the same thing, my man. I’m sure there’s at least one person reading this thinking to themselves, “well you knew what he meant.” Yeah, I know what he meant, but I also know that he should know the difference between the words elysium and asylum.
- I work with a kid who is so fucking stupid that it’s indescribable. No I’m serious, I honestly cannot explain it to you. Any time I talk to him I have to refrain from slapping him in the face.
- Laying in bed, starting on a nice relaxing stretch, and then getting a charley horse in your calf is what I imagine hell would be like.
- I saw a car that had “for sale” written on the back of it; the problem was, that I saw it broken down on the side of the highway. I’ll pass on that one, thanks though.
- I’ve had a UPS guy give me shit for my signature not looking anything like what I told him my last name was. I didn’t realize you wanted proper cursive, asshole…not that your technology would pick it up anyway. I wouldn’t even be able to print my name clearly on that shit. So, shut up dude!
- I thought I was buying orange gatorade…turns out it was tangerine/mandarin. You suck, Gatorade, for making them the exact same color and the flavor label so fucking small!
- I will never understand why random people, people I have no mutual friends with or that know me in any way, send me friend requests on Facebook.
- While we’re on the subject of Facebook, I’ve decided that as more and more of the people I went to high school with have kids, I’ll have to start hiding them from my newsfeed. I can’t unfriend them just in case I want to creep on them later, but I also don’t want to keep seeing pictures of their kids every other second. They look the same in every. single. picture! Do you honestly think we want to see 10,000 copies of the same picture?