- I went to see a movie and the guy behind me had his shoes off, and his feet on the top of the seat next to me.
- Even after all these years of brushing my own teeth I still haven’t mastered the art of not getting toothpaste all up in the cap. If you’re the kind of person who has, then you’re a sorcerer.
- I had two women get in a cat fight at work this past weekend. One woman was upset because the woman in front of her didn’t know what she wanted and was holding up the line, and of course the woman waiting just had to say something. It went back and forth for about 5 minutes. Lady, why are you upset? Sure, it’s frustrating but you don’t need to be a bitch about it. She had at least two kids with her, so I’m sure she was already frustrated herself, she doesn’t need your fucking input about it. Trust me, we’re all thinking it, but nothing needs to be said.
- There’s always a big ass lizard chilling on my back porch when I get home. As long as him and his friends stay out of my house we’ll be friends forever.
- Let’s talk about how clothing companies make pants with pockets that are sewed shut. I bought a pair of work pants like that recently and couldn’t fathom the point of it. Why do I have to cut stitching out so I can use a pocket that’s there, but was sewed shut? Because that makes a shit ton of sense!
- My first experience at a “country bar” was a shit show if I’ve ever seen one, and trust me I have. I put country bar in quotes because they played at least 1 hip hop for every 2 country songs they played. I witnessed a couple switch off giving each other lap dances, and old people trying to do the wobble.
- Don’t say, “you’re welcome” to me with the implication that I was supposed to be thankful for you doing something that you chose to do on your own. I didn’t ask you to do it and I didn’t tell you to do it, you chose to do it so get out of my face about it.
- The fact that the last 20 seconds of a sports game can be dragged out into 20 minutes, is frustrating as hell. Can we just end it, please?
- I cannot take tennis seriously with all of the grunting. I mean…I think it’s safe to say we all know what sex with any tennis player would sound like. For sure, Maria Sharipova’s neighbors probably hope she doesn’t ever have sex.