Random Thoughts of the Week: March 15th-21st

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  • I don’t like when someone asks me directly if I’d like to donate money to a cause, especially when they mention curing pediatric cancer. I mean, what the fuck am I gonna say to that?

Tough Spot

  • My coworker, the one who used the key to clean his ear and asked me to help him with his hangnail, told my manager that he needed to go home because he had diarrhea. He couldn’t just say he was sick, he had to give specifics?

That's Gross

  • To the woman who thought it’d be a good idea to let her tiny child hold three drinks: did you really think that was going to end well? I mean, I knew once you handed them to him that he was going to drop at least one…and what does he do? He dropped all three! Congratulations on that brilliant plan.

Sarcastic Clapping

  • Dallas on St. Patrick’s Day was a complete shit show. There was so much trash that we might as well have been in a landfill, and don’t even get me started on the people there…should’ve just added them to the curb for the street sweeper to pick up with how trashed they were.

HotMess.Org

  • Has anyone seen the old host of Fear Factor? There was a UFC match on at the bar, and he was calling it, and my god has he been hitting the roids or what? If he wasn’t trying to use steroids to compensate for a tiny penis before, then he’ll certainly have to now.
Joe Rogan Before and After
You're Out of Control            Man, you need to do it the old fashioned way…
Shake Weight

  • At work we now play a song by a band called The Milk Carton Boys. What I’m assuming is the explanation behind that ridiculous name: they were all kidnapped, their pictures put on milk cartons, and met while they were in a support group then decided to form a band.

Britney Obviously

  • There was a brand new BMW with a Domino’s delivery sign on top of it. At first, I was thoroughly confused, because those two things definitely don’t go together.

Lucy Confused

  • Then I thought the only explanation would be that the guy is a drug dealer, in which case that would be brilliant. Have the buyer order a pizza while you’re working and make the drug trade at the same time you’re delivering their pizza. Kill two birds with one stone; they’ll have the munchies (if it’s weed they’re buying) and they’ll already have a pizza ready to eat, and the dealer will be making money off of the drug deal and doing his actual job.

Boom

  • On St. Patrick’s Day, a friend of my friend’s asked me if I wanted a shot and I said I didn’t drink; he then asked me if I wanted to watch them take a shot. OH MY GOD, HOW DID YOU KNOW!?

Shocked

  • My mom and stepdad celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary recently, and I just want to say that anyone who has ever made a comment about divorce ruining kids’ lives can fuck off. I’m not saying it’s great for every family, but I can’t stand people who automatically assume that people whose parents are still married are better off than others whose aren’t. A lot of fucked up people come from parents who are still married…just saying. Am I a little sensitive about this topic?

Maybe Fuck Yourself

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