It was raining the other day, and when I looked outside I started singing It’s Raining, It’s Pouring. I started thinking about it and I realized that Children’s Rhymes are pretty twisted.
- It’s Raining, It’s Pouring? That guy totally dies. Seriously, he bumped his head and couldn’t get up in the morning? Dead!
- Humpty Dumpty? Yeah, he couldn’t be put back together again. Dead!
- Little Miss Muffet. That spider that sat down beside her and “frightened her away”. Yeah, what they really mean is she had a heart attack. She’s dead.
- Uhh Little Bo Peep? Her sheep were totally slaughtered! “They left their tails behind them…there she espied their tails side by side all hung on a tree to dry.” Dead sheep!
- Ladybug Ladybug: “Ladybug ladybug fly away home, your house is on fire and your children are gone, all except one and that’s little Ann, for she crept under the frying pan.” What even?
- Three Blind Mice? Well first off they’re blind and then the butcher’s wife goes and cuts of their tails with a butcher knife. They’ll live, but not happily.
- Goosey Goosey Gander said something about taking and old man by his left leg and throwing him down some stairs. You know he’s dead!
- Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater: Peter couldn’t keep his wife, so he put her in a pumpkin shell. Dead!
- Rock a bye baby? The baby is in the cradle in the tree top, the bough breaks down will come baby, cradle and all. Dead baby.
- Old Woman, the one who lived in a shoe? Fed her children “broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed.” Abused children.