Random Thoughts of the Week: August 3rd-8th

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  • There was a man who was talking on his phone loud enough that even a partially deaf person would have found it disturbing. Sir, there’s a microphone that will pick up your voice; it’s not like you’re trying to use one of those little devices with two cans and a string.

  • We have to listen to the same 5 clips from songs, not even entire songs, on a 5 minute loop at work; right now we have a song that’s got a 70s vibe and is one of many from an entire album about the life of a dog. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up.

  • I was telling a story about how my neighbor’s cat tore up my hood and my coworker said, “like your neighborhood?”

  • We have a rewards program at my work and people can link their email with their card. One lady’s email was bragging.rights@blah blab blah.com… Here’s a little tip, don’t put your stupid ass email address onto an account that other people are going to see.

  • I hate working with smokers! Do they really need to take a smoke break every hour? I’ll continue working while you go coat yourself in the essence of cancer.

  • At least 50 times a day, I have to make the extremely hard decision of whether I should make a sarcastic comment or not.

  • If you haven’t been watching the Olympics then you’ve been missing out on some quality stuff. The commentators have really gotten into it this year and seem to stop thinking before they speak. Let me give you some examples, “Wow he just really couldn’t get it up.” “Can he jerk it?” “Wow, she’s really riding her.” “They need to penetrate.” NBC took it a step further and have shown more than a few wardrobe malfunctions; I’ve seen more than one person’s ass and during a women’s water polo game they went to the underwater camera and I saw an Australian woman’s boob. That leaves me with one question, Olympics or porn?

  • Do any of you have a person that you just can’t hold a conversation with? Where it’s like being sucked up into a hurricane of stupidity that you can’t escape?

  • So I told you guys two weeks ago that I was going to a Mary Kay party because my friend suckered me into it; well let me tell you, it wasn’t terrible. My only problem, besides having to participate, was this fucking lady who talked to us about “her experience with Mary Kay.” By “her experience with Mary Kay,” I really mean her stupid ass life story. She seriously just spent 20 minutes talking about how much money she makes, the fact that she’s on her 11th free pink cadillac, and how she used to not like people and hated her job as a teacher.

  • I told someone to have a good day and they said, “alright” like it was an order.

  • A girl I work with asked me if I would give her a hug. We’ve talked about this before and this is how it’d play out (I’d be the giraffe):

  • A coworker came in to see a movie and he had two people with him, and one of them said, “I’m his sister.” I said, “I don’t care.” I meant that I didn’t care that she was seeing a free movie; it didn’t come off that way. Oops.

  • I was selling tickets and this woman walked up, turned around and asked me if her butt was dirty. I told her it wasn’t…it was. She told me it was dirty because she’d been “riding bareback all night.” Hey now!

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