What I Would Change


Awhile ago I had a manger ask me, “If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?” At first I told him that I wouldn’t change anything, because I genuinely like the person that I am. Then he asked me if I had to choose something, what would it be? I thought about it for a minute, and the one thing I came up with was a poorly worded choice. I told him, “I would want to be able to act like I was happy to see people.” When I said that and saw the look on his face I realized that my answer sounded kind of terrible.

I kind of meant what I said, but there was more to it than that. I don’t want to be one of those always-seems-happy-and-is-always-excited kind of  person.

I’m happy being the bitchy cynic, it works for me. That being said, I do wish that I could at least fake being happier when seeing people and asking them how their day is. At least to a point where it seems genuine. When I gave my answer I was also thinking about how terrible I am at small talk. I just can’t find it in me to care enough about what people have to say to put a smile on and chit chat with them. I become awkward and uncomfortable and I wish I could muster up some fake enthusiasm, or at least enough to get me through a conversation and the awkward fake laughs I have to do.

When I have to talk to strangers at work I try really hard to seem genuine and happy, but I’m sure that my monotone voice and my smile-that-still-looks-like-a-frown doesn’t convince them. I’m not saying that I’m unhappy with how unhappy I seem, that doesn’t bother me. What I am saying, is that I think it would be an easier time for me if people actually thought I cared. Although, sometimes it helps to be the way I am because people know what to expect from me. For example, people I work with know whether or not I like them. I don’t put on some fake persona just to make them feel better about themselves. It cuts down on the awkward “I thought we were friends” conversations.

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