Anal Sex and Orgies: Things NOT to Tell People

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My friends have a tradition of going to a bar called Lucky Lou’s every Friday night, and since I’ve just recently turned 21 they’ve asked me to join them. The first week wasn’t too exciting; nobody got drunk and there wasn’t any drama, and I mistakenly thought that every Friday night would that uneventful. I’ll apologize right now because this is going to be a long post, but I promise you that it’s worth it.

This past Friday was an interesting experience for me; quite a few odd and hilarious things happened that night, but I’ll stick to telling you about the one that will amuse all of you the most. It was about 12:45 or 1:00 in the morning and everybody in our little group was either drunk or buzzed, except for me because I don’t drink. We were standing there talking when all of a sudden some guy walked up and started talking to me, which is funny because out of the 9 people in our group I am the one who is the most unapproachable. His opening line was, “what’s with those girls?” referring to the other girls that were out with me, and when I didn’t answer he continued, “that one isn’t so bad, but the rest need to eat a cheeseburger. You know what I mean?” I told him, “I guess, if that’s what you’re in to….I’ll let them know you said that.” That last line was my first mistake, because he proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t say anything because “she already hates me” (as he pointed at one of the girls). Now, before this all went down one of the girls had pointed to a guy and said, “that’s anal sex guy!” I hadn’t seen who she pointed to, but she ended up telling me the story about this guy who talked to her a couple weeks ago about paying for sex in South America and how disgusted she was with him….turns out, it’s the same guy who had started talking to me. So, when he said that she already hated him, I cut him off and told him that I knew why. “It’s because you told her that in South America a blow job is $3 and anal sex is $9,” I said, and he clarified for me, “no, anal sex is $19 and sex without a condom is $22.”

At this point, I think it’s hilarious because it is by far the most interesting conversation I’ve had with a stranger. My friends are confused and slightly appalled by what he’s saying, and I’m pretty sure each and everyone of them asked who he was at least once during the whole ordeal. My friend turned to me and asked me where our other friend was and as I went to answer her, random man looked at her and said, “look at her trying to cock-block.” To say I found that statement amusing would be an understatement; obviously this guy had no chance, and not just because his opening line insulted my friends and then he continued to talk about anal sex and blow jobs. This, however, was only the beginning of the madness. Next up, he asked me about my major, which is where I made my next crucial mistake. I told him that I’m a psychology major and he got excited, which should have been my clue that the situation was only going to get worse. After hearing that information, he asked me what is says about him as a person that when a woman tells him she loves him he loses interest completely. To shorten it up, we continued on and he brought up an example for me. He told me that he was having group sex with 2 guys and 3 girls and that one girl was a lesbian and one guy was super into sleeping with him. He went on to tell me, that he was having sex with one of the girls and in the middle of it she said that she loved him and his desire to “bang” her completely vanished and that he was on Cialis and that he could have “banged” anything.

That was when my friends reached their breaking point. One of my friends, Caitlin, turned to him and said, “I don’t even know you!” with which he stuck out his hand and said, “I’m Paul!” He left a short time later and told me to say hey to him if I ever saw him again on Fry Street, and I can say without a doubt that I will not be starting a conversation with him voluntarily.

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