Random Thoughts of the Week: May 23rd-29th

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Well, it’s come to an end. Thanks for reading every Thursday, and if you’re ever in need of a reminder of how ridiculous some humans are the blog will always be here. My final random thought for this blog: It’s been real. It’s been fun. It’s been real fun.

Bye

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 16th-22nd

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  • Sometimes I really don’t like being responsible. I want to buy a new car and I want to adopt a dog, and then I realize that those two things cost money for a long period of time that I’m not willing or able to commit to. So I have to make the smart choice and tell myself no.

Nope, Huh Uh

  • There is a food company out there that named one of its sausages Lil’ Chub…For those of you who don’t know, Chub, as defined by Urban Dictionary, “is a semi erect penis, yet still malleable.” Really? A sausage named after a slang term for a penis?

Really? Come on.

  • I had to strip search a 75 year old woman, and I can tell you that it’s something I hope I never have to do again.

No, hard pass

  • That moment when the person you park next to parks like a jackass, and then makes you have to also park like a jackass just to fit. Then of course, they’ll leave before you and end up making the person after them think that you are actually the jackass who doesn’t know how to park. I always want to be able to explain the situation so that person doesn’t think it’s actually my fault. Like, “I promise, it was the asshole who I had to park next to!”

Points

  • I had an inmate tell me that she thought she had lice, and then my head proceeded to itch for the rest of the night. Needless to say, I was a little paranoid.

Cobweb Freakout

  • I walked by one of the male inmates, who uses a wheelchair, and he asked me if I wanted a “ride.”

Ahaha No

  • I was working a male cell and there were at least 10 guys seriously invested in the new I Wanna Marry Harry show. They’re really rooting for the girl from Dallas. I never thought I’d see a group of grown ass men giving that much attention to a reality show.

Double Confusion

  • I was texting my friend about getting breakfast at one of her favorite places, Cups and Crepes, but my phone autocorrected it to Cups and Creeps. I can’t even imagine what a place like that would be. You get a cup of coffee and your very own stalker?

Agh!

  • For all you regular readers out there, you should start preparing yourselves, because I think I’m gonna lay this blog to rest in the very near future.

Uhh and Run

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 9th-15th

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  • Is anyone else worried about Guy Fieri? Any time he’s on TV he’s yelling. Dude, there’s a microphone picking up everything you’re saying…you don’t need to yell.

no need to shout

  •  Isn’t manure a weird thing? Somebody just thought, “Let’s add some straw to that shit and call that shit manure! What do you guys think?”

Ooohhkay

  • A lot of the inmates have started asking me if I workout, probably because I have the shoulders of a linebacker. I literally opened the door to one of the areas where about 40 male inmates are housed and all I heard was, “Damn, she works out,” and “Yeah man, she’s swole!”

Chelsea shrug

  • I found out the other day that if I go to Whataburger in my uniform I only pay half price. Good looking out, Whataburger.OH You!
  • I saw a guy on a riding lawn mower sitting at a red light, and then proceed to cruise down the road when it turned green.

What Is Happening

  • If you don’t know anything about fire ants, let me tell you the story about how I found out how terrible they are. I grew up in Arkansas, where I didn’t even know what in the hell a fire ant was, but it didn’t take long for me to figure out that those little fuckers sting! We were at my uncle’s house, climbing trees for some reason, and we were using a chair to get a head start. As I’m standing on the chair, my hilarious uncle decides that it’d be a good idea to shake the chair. I fall off the chair and land directly in a fire ant pile. I can’t even explain the feeling of having 100 ants sting you all at once, or the sheer panic of trying to get them off of you. My entire body was covered in bites, which wasn’t the best welcome Texas could’ve given me, but I certainly learned quickly. The morale of the story? Watch where you’re walking in the South, and don’t let your uncle dump you into a fire ant pile…it’ll scar you for life.

Everything hurts and I'm dying

  • I had an inmate say to me, “You have full lips for a white girl.”

Thank You

Random Thoughts of the Week: May 2nd-8th

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  • Please tell me you’ve seen that Target commercial where the guy just drops the card on the 5 story card tower and just destroys the fucking thing. I mean really, what kind of monster does that shit?

Fucking Asshole

  • How about the Swiffer commercial where the son is the messiest fucking person ever and the mom just laughs it off? “Oh hahaha, my son doesn’t know how to clean up after himself.” Lady, did you see all the food on the ground? Your son doesn’t know how to eat either. What kind of animal are you raising?

Oh come on.

  • There’s an infomercial for a blender, where the guy is doing a demonstration for a bunch of people, and some of them were taking notes. What in the fuck could they possibly be writing down? Put fruit in, turn on blender?

That Is Stupid

  • I love when people tell me that my name is spelled wrong. I told someone my last name was spelled with an H and someone honestly said, “no it’s not.” Shit, I’ve been wrong for over 20 years?

Shocking...

  • Any time I go somewhere in my uniform for work, usually a gas station, at least one person will verify where I work and then proceed to tell me about the time that they did time. Ok cool, you’re an “alleged” criminal.

This is a fun conversation

  • There was a QT advertising beer and wine to go…as opposed to sitting in the gas station and drinking it?

Shocked and speechless

  • Inmates calling my name from the bathroom never bodes well for me, because it usually turns into a will-you-take-a-look-at-this-for-me situation. Which means they usually whip out a body part.

guh!

  • There are multiple construction sites with mannequin dudes made out of those orange barrels. Seriously, one of these things was hanging from a crane. Clearly those gentlemen are hard at work on the roads…taxes well spent.

Oh, riigght

  • This is going to sound terrible, but working in a jail makes me feel smart. Mainly because they always ask me questions that I always know the answers to.

School

  • Let me tell you, the ice cream truck jingle gets a little old after it plays for 5 minutes straight.

No, No, Make It Stop

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 25th-May 1st

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  • Everyone I work with has been giving me shit for the way I say shampoo. Apparently, I put more emphasis on the poo than a normal person, and I spent about 5 hours trying to say it differently…it’s impossible. Now I’ll never be able to say that word without thinking about how I say it, which means I can add it to the list that also includes the word crayon.

Just Me

  • Things that crawl are unpredictable and it frightens me a little bit. I mean you would expect that once you start walking toward them that they would head the other direction, but sometimes those little fuckers head straight for you! I’ve literally shaken my keys at a lizard, a very large lizard, to get him off the stairs that I needed to use. You’re probably thinking that that’s a little overdramatic, which is what my brother thought when I told him that story. However, he understood my reaction when he had the same exact run in with that same exact baby Godzilla.

Running Scared

  • Do you remember me telling you guys about the woman who refers to Jesus as daddy? Well, last week she said to someone, “We’re you talking about my daddy? Because my daddy is sexy.” When I looked at her as if she’d lost her fucking mind, she said, “What? There’s nothing wrong with getting a little intimate with Jesus.” I told her that that’s debatable and she said, “We’re all Jesus freaks, some more so than others.”

I'm sorry, what?

  • I almost ran over another person this past week. There was a dude walking across the street at 11:30 on a Friday night, and this motherfucker wasn’t even at an intersection! He’s just walking across the road while it’s pitch black out, and can only be seen by headlights on a car as they’re slamming on their brakes. These idiots obviously struggle with all aspects of life, so if I ever see them when I’m not about to run them over I’ll be sure to make it clear.

Go, period.   Fuck, period.   Yourself, exlamation point!

 

  • I’m not sure why people think I look like a person who wants to see pictures of their children, but they always show them to me and I never have an appropriate reaction. They’re just so excited to show me the pictures, and I always just kind of nod my head.

 

Awkward interaction

  • I saw a cat just chillin’ in a parked minivan and my first thought, I shit you not, was, “Do those people know that a stray cat got into their car?” Who is taking their cat for a car ride?

I'm confused.

  • I had an inmate ask me if I was married and my only response was, “Why do you want to know?” It’s as if they thought that whatever the answer was going to be was going to determine whether or not they’ve got a shot with me.

It's Not Gonna Happen

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 18th-24th

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  • I got my oil changed last week, and the entire 30 minutes I spent in the waiting room was accompanied by a “beep-beep” noise that happened every 10 seconds.

Kill Me Now

  • In that same waiting room, a woman was talking to another woman about her new born baby and said, “I just want to take her right now.” Sure, she’s probably joking, but isn’t that a weird thing to say? I’m sure it’s meant to be flattering in a oh-you’re-baby-is-so-cute kind of way, but I’m thinking she should just say, “oh you’re baby is so cute,” and leave it at that.

Yeah...No

  • Once the possible kidnapper left, the mother spent the rest of her time loudly talking to her baby; I think it was an effort to get me into a conversation about how cute her baby is…it didn’t work.

I don't care.

  • The dude changing my oil of course had other things he thought needed to be done, but his sales pitch was terrible. He literally said, “well you could probably do this, this, and this as well.”Sir, I could “probably do” a lot of things, so thank you for the incredibly unhelpful suggestion. Unfortunately, just like I’m not going to become an astronaut or the first female president, I also won’t have you go ahead and fix the things you think I could “probably do.”

Oh Please (walk away)

  • One of the other mechanics found out where I work and proceeded to tell me a story, a story I never indicated to him that I wanted to hear. The story was about how a judge made him go to 3 months of anger management, because he was defending his daughter by slamming her abusive ex-boyfriend’s head into a car bumper. I hate to break it you, but you’re getting worked up while you’re telling me a story about something that happened 10 years ago…I think you probably have at least a little bit of an anger management issue that 3 months of classes clearly didn’t fix.

Eh...Meh

  • I didn’t realize so much stupid shit could happen to me in a span of 30 minutes. I honestly walked out of that business in shock, and with a strong desire to start changing my own oil.

What is going on?!

  • You are all in luck this week, because I’m gonna tell you a story from my childhood: I can’t even remember what my brother and I were trying to fix, but we were on our front porch with some super glue. Now, we were old enough (I was probably 13 or 14 and my brother was probably 15 or 16) to be using super glue, but clearly I should have been the one in charge of the actual gluing. My brother starts gluing, what was probably a fucking light saber or something, and ends up getting some on his hands. Getting super glue on your skin is super unfortunate, no one wants it, but this genius decides he’s going to somehow shake it off of his hands. Surprisingly, it comes off of his hands, but goes straight onto my fucking face and into my eyes! My eyes were literally super glued closed! It quickly went from, “ha ha you got super glue on your hands” to, “Oh God, what have you done?!”

Ha..Oh god.

  • I literally almost ran a woman over this week. You’re probably thinking that I’m a bad driver, when really this woman is just a complete moron. She literally walked across a busy intersection when we had a green light. I was going 45 mph and she just walked out in front of me with about 15 feet between her and my car. She wasn’t even phased by the fact that multiple cars had to slam on their brakes to avoid killing her. Hell, one car didn’t even slow down, and she just kept on strutting her stupid ass across the street.

I Mean, What The Fuck

  • There was a sign on the highway that said, “guardrail damage ahead.” I’m not really sure what the point of that sign is. I guess it’s just a warning, like, “hey, if you’re gonna crash, don’t do it up here, because some asshole already did and there’s nothing preventing you from going into the oncoming traffic on the other side…”

Good Luck

Random Thoughts of the Week: April 11th-17th

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  • I sometimes wonder how long I’m going to keep doing this blog…I’m probably gonna be 60 and still bitching about how confused I am by stupid people.

Not making any sense

  • The electronic billboard for my bank says, “ask us about our gift cards!” Why in the fuck would I buy a gift card from a bank? What the hell do you even spend money on at a bank, checks? What a great gift…”here’s a gift card to your bank, now go buy some checks and make one out to me.”

They're crazy

  • I saw a pack of playing cards that were the size of note cards, literally 3×5. Why would anyone need cards that big? I don’t care how terrible your vision is, that is excessive. I would never make it through any kind of game; I was laughing hysterically just looking at them.

Hysterical Laughing

  • Peanut M&Ms have a warning on the bag that says, “may contain almonds.” So what happens if you have an allergy to almonds, but really want some Peanut M&Ms? Do you just have to risk it and hope it’s worth it?

IIII Don't Know

  • Someone created an old school handset that plugs into an iPhone. I don’t know why? Their big selling point is, “convert your ordinary smartphone into an old school telephone!” Yeah, put your iphone in your pocket and walk around talking into a handset instead…who doesn’t enjoy looking like an idiot? You might as well get a brick phone from the 80s.

Stupidest Thing I've Ever Heard

  •  Rain was hitting my window, but it sounded like someone was digging through a plastic bag. So I was lying in bed, I don’t know, assuming it could be a thief who decided to use Walmart bags to carry whatever it was he was stealing….that was my only explanation for the noise, there was no other possibility.

Britney Obviously

  • There was a commercial for catheters that advertised them as being “able to fit in a woman’s purse or a man’s pocket.” Why is that even a thing that you’re mentioning as a way to sell them? Are they doing that shit in a public restroom?

Chloe-what the fuck?

  • Every single day at work, at least once a day (more like 10 times a day), I’ll hear, “You smell really good! What are you wearing?” They will literally walk up to me and sniff me. I guess that’s what being locked in a room 24/7, with 30+ other people, for weeks on end will do to you.

Go Away..